And It's Like Nothing Has Changed

Random conversations with someone you haven't spoken to in awhile are always nice. I love having friends that I can always meet up with after not speaking with them for literally months and strike up a conversation about anything and catch up with our lives or talk about our goals. Also, having the support of these friends is really great because it shows that truly no matter the distance or how long it's been that you can still come together and chill together like the old days. I just love this so much, and I don't want friendships like this to end. If anything, I would love for them to grow stronger so that so much time doesn't elapse between our communications any longer.

I just really love people.

Caring Is...Caring

No matter what, I'll always care. And I hate it. I hate that I care so much. Wouldn't it be easier in life if you could just forget about people, completely remove them from your life since it seems like they've already done just that? Sometimes I wonder how is it even possible to care about someone you haven't talked to in awhile (in some cases years)? Are you weird if you do still care about someone when they could care less about you (or so you believe that to be the case)?

I can't read minds. I can "read" people when I'm with them, observing their emotions, body language, reactions, but I still can't necessarily read their mind. I don't know. Maybe it's just this weird thing of missing a person and their company because there was nothing like it. Not to say that when I'm with other people I don't enjoy that time, because that is definitely not the case. It was just...different. Different yet comforting. The air always felt calm and at ease.

And now I feel like I'm in this weird position where I'm thinking about you a lot less, not "worrying" about your well-being so much and if you're happy, yet still hoping things work out for you. I'm meeting new people, reconnecting with old people, and it's a really nice change in my life. I'm not in the house so much anymore just doing nothing- someone is usually around who wants to meet up, chill, or just drive around town for a few hours listening to music. But now I have this new fear of losing someone I truly care about. Granted, this has happened before, but it was usually with people who I never really had a lot in common with at all, so we usually had few memories to share. Maybe it's the fact that so many things remind me of you without even trying, and I think I hate that even more. I just want my friend back.

Even though as I write this I have a specific person in mind, there are a few people I can think of who I just want to have in my life again. I wish everything were as easy as a phone call or some type of message, but that would make life fair, and we all know life can't be fair.

This is what happens when you stay up too late. The thoughts are never-ending. I apologize to any soul who actually reads this for the lack of structure that I at least attempt to have in most of my long text posts.

The Break Up- Over but Fine

Yesterday, my boyfriend and I ended our relationship. I think it was slightly hard in the sense that neither of us really wanted to end it via phone, but I was the one who decided that we should talk on the phone since he was being weird all last week and seemed distant. We're not sad about it though. Though I probably would not have ended things just yet, it was mostly a mutual decision to end things. We would probably be better as friends anyway because we have so much in common. I know he didn't want to end things on the phone, but it would've been hard for me to just sit here 170 miles away not doing anything for two weeks as he's acting odd. He felt like an uber jerk and all (or as he said a "jerkasaurus rex"), but I told him that he's not a jerk because really he isn't. When the feelings aren't the same anymore, you just can't help it. For the most part, the feelings probably weren't there from the beginning. We tried to fool ourselves into believing that we needed to be in a romantic relationship, that we liked each other more than just friends, that because we had so much in common we needed to be together. We lasted roughly a month and a half- that's pretty good for my first relationship haha. We're still going to be friends though, and I hope we truly stick to that because now that he's entered my life, I really don't want him to be out of my life (if that makes sense). We don't need to be in a romantic relationship, but now we can just grow our relationship as friends. He says that we should definitely still hang out, and he's still picking me up from school next week (I would be kinda stuck here if he didn't...). Honestly, he's a really awesome guy that I do have a ton in common with, so we would make pretty freakin awesome friends. Maybe we could be like a dream team or something haha- being sassy and listening to good music and watching good movies and attempting to beat each other at various video games.

The only thing is that I've already sorta started buying his Christmas gifts (it was going to be like a bag full of random shit haha), so I guess I'll just give him what I already bought and just give it to him as a friend. I'll write a nice little note with it too, of course. I just want him to feel appreciated for all of the nice things he's done for me. Guys are always treating girls, but sometimes it takes us girls awhile to get around to treating our guys to something nice. I did plan to do something really nice for him over winter break, but I don't think that'll happen now, unless he feels comfortable just going out somewhere as friends. I mean, I've been on two "friend date"s with my one guy friend here at school, and he has a girlfriend, and we just go out to eat and chat about life and intellectual shit. So, he and I could do the same thing, and talk about books and music and other random shit. I just don't want awkwardness between us at all. After we called it quits, we started talking about regular shit which is kinda weird considering we just ended our relationship. I told our mutual friend that we broke up, and this friend said that instead of us being the "relationship of a generation" that we could now be the "friendship of a generation". Maybe we can.

I'm just hoping for the best from here on out.