Random conversations with someone you haven't spoken to in awhile are always nice. I love having friends that I can always meet up with after not speaking with them for literally months and strike up a conversation about anything and catch up with our lives or talk about our goals. Also, having the support of these friends is really great because it shows that truly no matter the distance or how long it's been that you can still come together and chill together like the old days. I just love this so much, and I don't want friendships like this to end. If anything, I would love for them to grow stronger so that so much time doesn't elapse between our communications any longer.
I just really love people.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
You Deserve Better, But You Were Good For Him/Her
The other day, my grandmother and I were talking about a family member who's been in and out of trouble for years, and she brought up how he needed to stop messing around with these women who have issues. She brought up how she wishes he was still with his ex from 10+ years ago. Yes, it's been that long, but my grandma still believes this woman was great for him. Why was she so great? Well, for one thing, she stood strong, she stood her ground, she challenged him. He couldn't get his way easily with her, and she wasn't going to allow that. All those women who came after her? They were complete followers, submissive to whatever he said/wanted, which is really sad. This specific ex, though, I remember her when I was a little kid. She was always nice to me, bought me chips (because what else do little kids want in life besides junk food), got along with the family, such a sweetheart in general. I don't know who broke up with who or if it was a mutual agreement, but I was sad when she wasn't around anymore. My grandma says this woman was really in love with this family member, so I'm thinking he broke up with her (I wouldn't be surprised). At the same time, though, we could argue that she deserved better, so it's a good thing she isn't with this family member anymore and has gone on to be successful in life. So where is this little story going?
I've been thinking about how people can say person A deserves a better person than person B, but at the same time someone else might say person A was good for person B because they helped keep person B in line, kept them out of trouble a bit. Usually friends and/or family of person A will say they deserve better, while family and/or friends of person B will say that person A was actually good for the former.
What keeps us in relationships with people when we technically "deserve better"? Is that love? Is love that force that keeps you with a person who is..."beneath" you or just nowhere near perfect? I hate to use the term "beneath" because it belittles people, but at this moment I couldn't think of another word to replace it, but you get my point. Now, this isn't to be used in the example of abusive relationships because that is an entirely different story of how I feel about a person deserving better and being good for someone else in that sense. I've digressed...
Anyway, it's just something that's been on my mind lately, especially with my grandma bringing up our family member and his ex. It's also kind of funny because a post I wrote a week or two ago was about being young but not settling for less than what we deserve. Should we hold relationships in the same light? Should we reject the person who is "less than"? Or do we stay with this person because we realize that we caused a change for the better in them, and leaving them would just cause trouble and much pain? I guess this just has me thinking now for people who do stay with a person when they know they could "do better"- are they staying because of love or is it an obligation to keep this person on the right track?
People are powerful, sometimes far more than they know.
I've been thinking about how people can say person A deserves a better person than person B, but at the same time someone else might say person A was good for person B because they helped keep person B in line, kept them out of trouble a bit. Usually friends and/or family of person A will say they deserve better, while family and/or friends of person B will say that person A was actually good for the former.
What keeps us in relationships with people when we technically "deserve better"? Is that love? Is love that force that keeps you with a person who is..."beneath" you or just nowhere near perfect? I hate to use the term "beneath" because it belittles people, but at this moment I couldn't think of another word to replace it, but you get my point. Now, this isn't to be used in the example of abusive relationships because that is an entirely different story of how I feel about a person deserving better and being good for someone else in that sense. I've digressed...
Anyway, it's just something that's been on my mind lately, especially with my grandma bringing up our family member and his ex. It's also kind of funny because a post I wrote a week or two ago was about being young but not settling for less than what we deserve. Should we hold relationships in the same light? Should we reject the person who is "less than"? Or do we stay with this person because we realize that we caused a change for the better in them, and leaving them would just cause trouble and much pain? I guess this just has me thinking now for people who do stay with a person when they know they could "do better"- are they staying because of love or is it an obligation to keep this person on the right track?
People are powerful, sometimes far more than they know.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Caring Is...Caring
No matter what, I'll always care. And I hate it. I hate that I care so much. Wouldn't it be easier in life if you could just forget about people, completely remove them from your life since it seems like they've already done just that? Sometimes I wonder how is it even possible to care about someone you haven't talked to in awhile (in some cases years)? Are you weird if you do still care about someone when they could care less about you (or so you believe that to be the case)?
I can't read minds. I can "read" people when I'm with them, observing their emotions, body language, reactions, but I still can't necessarily read their mind. I don't know. Maybe it's just this weird thing of missing a person and their company because there was nothing like it. Not to say that when I'm with other people I don't enjoy that time, because that is definitely not the case. It was just...different. Different yet comforting. The air always felt calm and at ease.
And now I feel like I'm in this weird position where I'm thinking about you a lot less, not "worrying" about your well-being so much and if you're happy, yet still hoping things work out for you. I'm meeting new people, reconnecting with old people, and it's a really nice change in my life. I'm not in the house so much anymore just doing nothing- someone is usually around who wants to meet up, chill, or just drive around town for a few hours listening to music. But now I have this new fear of losing someone I truly care about. Granted, this has happened before, but it was usually with people who I never really had a lot in common with at all, so we usually had few memories to share. Maybe it's the fact that so many things remind me of you without even trying, and I think I hate that even more. I just want my friend back.
Even though as I write this I have a specific person in mind, there are a few people I can think of who I just want to have in my life again. I wish everything were as easy as a phone call or some type of message, but that would make life fair, and we all know life can't be fair.
This is what happens when you stay up too late. The thoughts are never-ending. I apologize to any soul who actually reads this for the lack of structure that I at least attempt to have in most of my long text posts.
I can't read minds. I can "read" people when I'm with them, observing their emotions, body language, reactions, but I still can't necessarily read their mind. I don't know. Maybe it's just this weird thing of missing a person and their company because there was nothing like it. Not to say that when I'm with other people I don't enjoy that time, because that is definitely not the case. It was just...different. Different yet comforting. The air always felt calm and at ease.
And now I feel like I'm in this weird position where I'm thinking about you a lot less, not "worrying" about your well-being so much and if you're happy, yet still hoping things work out for you. I'm meeting new people, reconnecting with old people, and it's a really nice change in my life. I'm not in the house so much anymore just doing nothing- someone is usually around who wants to meet up, chill, or just drive around town for a few hours listening to music. But now I have this new fear of losing someone I truly care about. Granted, this has happened before, but it was usually with people who I never really had a lot in common with at all, so we usually had few memories to share. Maybe it's the fact that so many things remind me of you without even trying, and I think I hate that even more. I just want my friend back.
Even though as I write this I have a specific person in mind, there are a few people I can think of who I just want to have in my life again. I wish everything were as easy as a phone call or some type of message, but that would make life fair, and we all know life can't be fair.
This is what happens when you stay up too late. The thoughts are never-ending. I apologize to any soul who actually reads this for the lack of structure that I at least attempt to have in most of my long text posts.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Too Much Love in the American Story?
The other night, I watched the French film Lila Says with a friend. While this film was a romantic drama and a bit of a love story, it was not your conventional love story. (*Semi-spoiler alert) While nothing truly physical happened between the two protagonists (nope, not even a kiss), that did not change the fact that they were in love (or that one really loved the other).
I then thought about The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I've seen both the Swedish version and the American remake. Comparing the two, the Swedish version is definitely a lot more gritty and "graphic" (for lack of a better word right now). I realized that the American version kind of "romanticized" relationships more. **SPOILER ALERT** For example, the American version ends with Lisbeth throwing away a leather jacket and driving away on her motorcycle after spotting Mikael getting into a car with his co-worker whom he had an affair with. In the Swedish version, though, the film ends with Lisbeth walking in her blonde, professional woman disguise on the island (or wherever she is) after she has completed the deed to set up that one guy. We do not see her come back for Mikael or return to Sweden at all. Since I haven't read the book yet, I am unsure if the Swedish version left out that final scene or if the Americans added the final scene. Either way, it still leads me to ask the question:
Is there too much love/romance in American stories?
Even as a writer, albeit an amateur, I realize that most of my stories revolve around romantic relationships or include some type of significant romantic relationship (or great desire for one) between characters. I'm not sure if this is because I haven't much relationship experience and try to create the relationships I desire (or want to avoid) in my life through my stories, but I've noticed it in written stories as well as films. There are people who get annoyed when action movies have seemingly unnecessary sex scenes and things of that nature. Think about it, when's the last time you read a book, watched a movie, or watched a tv show that didn't have some type of "important" romantic relationship? When's the last time you read/watched a story that focused strictly on actions and the issues at hand while only featuring friendships or business relationships only? Even movies for kids feature little crushes and "puppy love" stories more and more. Children's stories seem to be the only ones left that focus strictly on friendships, probably because no one wants there nine-year-old to desire to have a boyfriend/girlfriend right at this moment when they're still going through puberty and all of that jazz. Whatever happened to cooties? Anyway...
Do I have a problem with this overwhelming presence of love in our stories? No, no I do not. As a growing writer, though, I'm becoming frustrated with my own writing because it seems like all of my stories will end up being the same because of the focus on romance. A good example of this is a short story I had an idea for. I actually thought out the entire story, and it was not going to include any type of love story. Two friends were to just simply chat about life in a coffee shop when an unexpected event happens. When I actually began to write the story though, another character was introduced who is a love interest of the main protagonist. This frustrated me because I had no intentions of going down that path, but once you start writing, the story tends to guide itself and take control (hence why so many of us writers can become frustrated with our own characters, our own creations, when we could simply say no and rewrite). I've officially decided that I will try to write two versions of this short story, the one mentioned above and one that completely avoids the love aspect, and see how that works.
Maybe it's an American thing. Or maybe it's a Western thing. Or maybe it's a human thing, and I just don't see this as much in stories from other countries. Maybe it's because of the influence of previous works, the classics, that have put us in the mindset that these love stories are very important to the overall story. Like, is a sex/random hookup scene really necessary in a film about zombies taking over the earth or a group of people planning to rob a bank? As they say, sex sells, but it isn't necessary for every film. Also, a ton of sex scenes aren't necessary for a romance story since there is more to love than sex (well, that's technically just an opinion because some people would not agree).
This could just be a result of my over-analyzing, but at least one of my friends has agreed with me about this, so I'm not completely alone. If anyone else does actually read this (doubtful), please share your thoughts on this- whether you agree/disagree, don't care, never noticed, whatever.
I then thought about The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I've seen both the Swedish version and the American remake. Comparing the two, the Swedish version is definitely a lot more gritty and "graphic" (for lack of a better word right now). I realized that the American version kind of "romanticized" relationships more. **SPOILER ALERT** For example, the American version ends with Lisbeth throwing away a leather jacket and driving away on her motorcycle after spotting Mikael getting into a car with his co-worker whom he had an affair with. In the Swedish version, though, the film ends with Lisbeth walking in her blonde, professional woman disguise on the island (or wherever she is) after she has completed the deed to set up that one guy. We do not see her come back for Mikael or return to Sweden at all. Since I haven't read the book yet, I am unsure if the Swedish version left out that final scene or if the Americans added the final scene. Either way, it still leads me to ask the question:
Is there too much love/romance in American stories?
Even as a writer, albeit an amateur, I realize that most of my stories revolve around romantic relationships or include some type of significant romantic relationship (or great desire for one) between characters. I'm not sure if this is because I haven't much relationship experience and try to create the relationships I desire (or want to avoid) in my life through my stories, but I've noticed it in written stories as well as films. There are people who get annoyed when action movies have seemingly unnecessary sex scenes and things of that nature. Think about it, when's the last time you read a book, watched a movie, or watched a tv show that didn't have some type of "important" romantic relationship? When's the last time you read/watched a story that focused strictly on actions and the issues at hand while only featuring friendships or business relationships only? Even movies for kids feature little crushes and "puppy love" stories more and more. Children's stories seem to be the only ones left that focus strictly on friendships, probably because no one wants there nine-year-old to desire to have a boyfriend/girlfriend right at this moment when they're still going through puberty and all of that jazz. Whatever happened to cooties? Anyway...
Do I have a problem with this overwhelming presence of love in our stories? No, no I do not. As a growing writer, though, I'm becoming frustrated with my own writing because it seems like all of my stories will end up being the same because of the focus on romance. A good example of this is a short story I had an idea for. I actually thought out the entire story, and it was not going to include any type of love story. Two friends were to just simply chat about life in a coffee shop when an unexpected event happens. When I actually began to write the story though, another character was introduced who is a love interest of the main protagonist. This frustrated me because I had no intentions of going down that path, but once you start writing, the story tends to guide itself and take control (hence why so many of us writers can become frustrated with our own characters, our own creations, when we could simply say no and rewrite). I've officially decided that I will try to write two versions of this short story, the one mentioned above and one that completely avoids the love aspect, and see how that works.
Maybe it's an American thing. Or maybe it's a Western thing. Or maybe it's a human thing, and I just don't see this as much in stories from other countries. Maybe it's because of the influence of previous works, the classics, that have put us in the mindset that these love stories are very important to the overall story. Like, is a sex/random hookup scene really necessary in a film about zombies taking over the earth or a group of people planning to rob a bank? As they say, sex sells, but it isn't necessary for every film. Also, a ton of sex scenes aren't necessary for a romance story since there is more to love than sex (well, that's technically just an opinion because some people would not agree).
This could just be a result of my over-analyzing, but at least one of my friends has agreed with me about this, so I'm not completely alone. If anyone else does actually read this (doubtful), please share your thoughts on this- whether you agree/disagree, don't care, never noticed, whatever.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Letting Go
For the first time tonight, I cried over a bowl of spaghetti. I cried over you. Usually, I don't like to talk about people directly (as if I am speaking to them about them) in an anonymous fashion, but it's one of those times where I need to just write it out because I'm slightly too lazy to write in my journal (but I will definitely be writing in there soon, probably after this).
I lied to myself, I lied to one of my closest friends. I told myself that I was over "us" and could move on to just being friends and all. But now... now you're just ignoring me, and it honestly makes me feel like shit. If you really don't want to be my friend anymore (because I just can't tell), please just tell me. I'd rather someone tell me that they would rather not speak to me anymore than just ignore me, leading me to believe that maybe they are busy or just trying to avoid me in general. Maybe I'm supposed to not talk to you for weeks or months before we can start speaking again on friendly terms. I don't know how any of this truly works. I'm an amateur to the relationship thing. You know this. I just wish you weren't being such a asshole about it. I wish you weren't playing the victim role now. I haven't posted tons of sappy shit on my blog about having my heart broken, about being a nice girl and no one wanting me, about being let go in general. I didn't even address it on my blog. And I get it, I shouldn't be trying to judge what someone posts on their blog and all, but if they should post personal stuff for the world to see, what do you expect? And I know how you are, so you're prone to post your feelings because it's your escape. Stop whining about being a nice guy who the good/smart girls never want because they always go for assholes. Stop saying that you had your heart broken when you broke up with me. You must be an asshole then because I consider myself to be a pretty good/smart girl, but I thought you were a nice guy. Actually, deep down, I still believe you're a really nice guy, I won't even deny that. I think you just need to get your shit together now. I don't know what you want, I can't read minds. It kind of hurts to see you posting things about being hurt when you're the one who decided to do this. Obviously I still like you, and I am truly convinced that you no longer have feelings for me, and I have come to accept that. It sucks so much, but I can't change your mind. I can't. Everything just happened so fast, so abrupt. I didn't even see it coming. Because we had so much in common, it sucks even more because now so many things I like will remind me of you:
I think you're just lost and don't know what you really want out of life yet. You say you want to be a social worker and go to whatever school, but you're 22 and still haven't made a move. I wanted to help you out a little, just to get you to talk out some goals and such, and we could help each other reach our goals. I just don't want to see you stuck while everyone else is moving forward and moving on in their lives. I don't know what's going on with you, but I guess I'll never know unless you tell. I'll leave it to your friends to help you out because I'm probably the last person you want to speak to right now. I'm always here for you though. If two years from now you decide that you want to talk to me again, I'll be glad to hear from you and I won't hold anything from now against you because it'll be such old news by then. No matter what, I won't forget you (I mean, it would be kinda hard to forget one's first relationship...). I only wish for the best for you.
I have to let you go now. If you want me, you know how to reach me. I can no longer reach out to you first because I can't deal with being ignored again and again. It'll be hard because there will be times where I really miss you and just want to text or call you or send you a picture text of something only you would really find humorous, but I will stay strong and resist. I can't allow all of these emotions to rush back and for me to get hurt because of you. I can't. I'm a smart girl, and I'm not a beggar or someone who forces someone to do something they don't want to do. I'm not going to fight because why should I? I love you, and that's why I have to let you go (cliche or not).
Let the fall make you stronger.- something I read earlier from The Angry Therapist, which came at the most relevant and perfect moment.
I lied to myself, I lied to one of my closest friends. I told myself that I was over "us" and could move on to just being friends and all. But now... now you're just ignoring me, and it honestly makes me feel like shit. If you really don't want to be my friend anymore (because I just can't tell), please just tell me. I'd rather someone tell me that they would rather not speak to me anymore than just ignore me, leading me to believe that maybe they are busy or just trying to avoid me in general. Maybe I'm supposed to not talk to you for weeks or months before we can start speaking again on friendly terms. I don't know how any of this truly works. I'm an amateur to the relationship thing. You know this. I just wish you weren't being such a asshole about it. I wish you weren't playing the victim role now. I haven't posted tons of sappy shit on my blog about having my heart broken, about being a nice girl and no one wanting me, about being let go in general. I didn't even address it on my blog. And I get it, I shouldn't be trying to judge what someone posts on their blog and all, but if they should post personal stuff for the world to see, what do you expect? And I know how you are, so you're prone to post your feelings because it's your escape. Stop whining about being a nice guy who the good/smart girls never want because they always go for assholes. Stop saying that you had your heart broken when you broke up with me. You must be an asshole then because I consider myself to be a pretty good/smart girl, but I thought you were a nice guy. Actually, deep down, I still believe you're a really nice guy, I won't even deny that. I think you just need to get your shit together now. I don't know what you want, I can't read minds. It kind of hurts to see you posting things about being hurt when you're the one who decided to do this. Obviously I still like you, and I am truly convinced that you no longer have feelings for me, and I have come to accept that. It sucks so much, but I can't change your mind. I can't. Everything just happened so fast, so abrupt. I didn't even see it coming. Because we had so much in common, it sucks even more because now so many things I like will remind me of you:
- Fall Out Boy- I don't think I know anyone who loves these guys and wants them to get back together more than you
- Lydia, La Dispute, The Spill Canvas- I started listening to them more because of you
- Green Street Hooligans- the first time we hung out alone/our sorta first date, we watched this movie together, lying on your bed, working on my art project at the same time. I'd seen the movie about 2-3 times before, but it was nice actually watching it with someone else
- The Science of Sleep- while we were still just in our talking/chatting stage, we both found out that it's one of each other's favorite films.
- Criminal Minds, Matthew Gray Gubler, Shemar Moore- not only do we both love the show, we both also love seeing Gubler and Shemar together in photos, on screen , whatever.
- Chipotle and Jimmy Johns- once again, I don't know anyone who loves these places more than you
- Harry Potter, Slytherin, green and silver- biggest Slytherin supporter I know (or self-described Slytherin, I don't know how to describe this). You say that green and silver are your favorite colors, for obvious reasons.
- Food- in general, you understand my love for food, we share this love, you know I'd choose food over sex and practically anything any day/time.
- that mix cd- whenever I rode in the car with you, I pretty much heard that same fuckin mix cd every time, so anytime I hear songs from there, I'll be reminded of you
- "Don't Be So Hard"- a lovely song by The Audition, and one of my faves. It's on said mix cd mentioned in the bullet above.
- 183rd st- super obvious reason. It really sucks that this is a busy street, and I pass it/drive on it often.
- Sassy- until you started calling me sassy, I have never heard so many people call me sassy in my life. I really don't want to be called sassy anymore now...
I think you're just lost and don't know what you really want out of life yet. You say you want to be a social worker and go to whatever school, but you're 22 and still haven't made a move. I wanted to help you out a little, just to get you to talk out some goals and such, and we could help each other reach our goals. I just don't want to see you stuck while everyone else is moving forward and moving on in their lives. I don't know what's going on with you, but I guess I'll never know unless you tell. I'll leave it to your friends to help you out because I'm probably the last person you want to speak to right now. I'm always here for you though. If two years from now you decide that you want to talk to me again, I'll be glad to hear from you and I won't hold anything from now against you because it'll be such old news by then. No matter what, I won't forget you (I mean, it would be kinda hard to forget one's first relationship...). I only wish for the best for you.
I have to let you go now. If you want me, you know how to reach me. I can no longer reach out to you first because I can't deal with being ignored again and again. It'll be hard because there will be times where I really miss you and just want to text or call you or send you a picture text of something only you would really find humorous, but I will stay strong and resist. I can't allow all of these emotions to rush back and for me to get hurt because of you. I can't. I'm a smart girl, and I'm not a beggar or someone who forces someone to do something they don't want to do. I'm not going to fight because why should I? I love you, and that's why I have to let you go (cliche or not).
Let the fall make you stronger.- something I read earlier from The Angry Therapist, which came at the most relevant and perfect moment.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
The Break Up- Over but Fine
Yesterday, my boyfriend and I ended our relationship. I think it was slightly hard in the sense that neither of us really wanted to end it via phone, but I was the one who decided that we should talk on the phone since he was being weird all last week and seemed distant. We're not sad about it though. Though I probably would not have ended things just yet, it was mostly a mutual decision to end things. We would probably be better as friends anyway because we have so much in common. I know he didn't want to end things on the phone, but it would've been hard for me to just sit here 170 miles away not doing anything for two weeks as he's acting odd. He felt like an uber jerk and all (or as he said a "jerkasaurus rex"), but I told him that he's not a jerk because really he isn't. When the feelings aren't the same anymore, you just can't help it. For the most part, the feelings probably weren't there from the beginning. We tried to fool ourselves into believing that we needed to be in a romantic relationship, that we liked each other more than just friends, that because we had so much in common we needed to be together. We lasted roughly a month and a half- that's pretty good for my first relationship haha. We're still going to be friends though, and I hope we truly stick to that because now that he's entered my life, I really don't want him to be out of my life (if that makes sense). We don't need to be in a romantic relationship, but now we can just grow our relationship as friends. He says that we should definitely still hang out, and he's still picking me up from school next week (I would be kinda stuck here if he didn't...). Honestly, he's a really awesome guy that I do have a ton in common with, so we would make pretty freakin awesome friends. Maybe we could be like a dream team or something haha- being sassy and listening to good music and watching good movies and attempting to beat each other at various video games.
The only thing is that I've already sorta started buying his Christmas gifts (it was going to be like a bag full of random shit haha), so I guess I'll just give him what I already bought and just give it to him as a friend. I'll write a nice little note with it too, of course. I just want him to feel appreciated for all of the nice things he's done for me. Guys are always treating girls, but sometimes it takes us girls awhile to get around to treating our guys to something nice. I did plan to do something really nice for him over winter break, but I don't think that'll happen now, unless he feels comfortable just going out somewhere as friends. I mean, I've been on two "friend date"s with my one guy friend here at school, and he has a girlfriend, and we just go out to eat and chat about life and intellectual shit. So, he and I could do the same thing, and talk about books and music and other random shit. I just don't want awkwardness between us at all. After we called it quits, we started talking about regular shit which is kinda weird considering we just ended our relationship. I told our mutual friend that we broke up, and this friend said that instead of us being the "relationship of a generation" that we could now be the "friendship of a generation". Maybe we can.
I'm just hoping for the best from here on out.
The only thing is that I've already sorta started buying his Christmas gifts (it was going to be like a bag full of random shit haha), so I guess I'll just give him what I already bought and just give it to him as a friend. I'll write a nice little note with it too, of course. I just want him to feel appreciated for all of the nice things he's done for me. Guys are always treating girls, but sometimes it takes us girls awhile to get around to treating our guys to something nice. I did plan to do something really nice for him over winter break, but I don't think that'll happen now, unless he feels comfortable just going out somewhere as friends. I mean, I've been on two "friend date"s with my one guy friend here at school, and he has a girlfriend, and we just go out to eat and chat about life and intellectual shit. So, he and I could do the same thing, and talk about books and music and other random shit. I just don't want awkwardness between us at all. After we called it quits, we started talking about regular shit which is kinda weird considering we just ended our relationship. I told our mutual friend that we broke up, and this friend said that instead of us being the "relationship of a generation" that we could now be the "friendship of a generation". Maybe we can.
I'm just hoping for the best from here on out.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
These Feelings...They Can't Be Right...
I'm not okay. Nope. Not okay. I need to stop pretending and putting on that big, fake smile in front of my friends. I was on the phone with one of my friends over an hour ago, he asked me if I was sad, and I said no. He said that he could tell that I was just from my voice. I told him that I was just tired, and that I didn't think that I was sad. It's just like last year around this time and even my freakin' English professor thought that I was depressed and she'd only known me for roughly four months. I used to be so good at hiding my feelings, but I tried to put that behind me since I have amazing people in my life who are there for me and will listen to me. I don't have to pretend anymore, but I don't know why I feel like I should now. My thoughts have been attacking me constantly for the past week, and I hate it. I can't function or be productive because I'm too consumed by my thoughts. So much to do, so little time. There are so many great people who let me know that they care every day, yet I still want, almost need, reassurance from one person, and I hate feeling this way. I'm not very dependent on others, so I don't know why I'm this way with you. I don't want to be this way.
I'm just very overwhelmed with everything. School, relationships in general, the desire for infinite freedom, the urge for "rebellion", the ultimate desire for peace.
I changed my background on my phone to "Fight Off Your Demons" to remind me not to give up, not to let my demons win because right now I'm not even putting up a good fight, and I refuse to let them win. I refuse.
I'm just very overwhelmed with everything. School, relationships in general, the desire for infinite freedom, the urge for "rebellion", the ultimate desire for peace.
I changed my background on my phone to "Fight Off Your Demons" to remind me not to give up, not to let my demons win because right now I'm not even putting up a good fight, and I refuse to let them win. I refuse.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Am I Overthinking? Will I Fit In? Should I Just Not Worry?
Yeah, I'm just overthinking. It's no big deal. No big deal at all.
What am I even talking about? Well, I've been doing a little thinking (or a lot at some points) about meeting my boyfriend's friends. Now, usually this wouldn't be an issue I would even think about, but then again I've never been in this situation before. He's older than me, and pretty much all of his friends are therefore older than me as well. I already look younger than my own age, so that doesn't help me at all of course. I met his best friend, but that was before we were even dating or interested in each other at all. I met one of his friends at that concert, but we didn't really chat or anything because my friends were there too, and I didn't know what to say of course. Over this coming Thanksgiving break, another friend of my boyfriend is supposed to be having some type of shindig the night of Black Friday in the city, and of course the boyfriend wants me to come. At first, I thought it would be cool and fine to go (granted I can even stay out late...), but as I thought about it more, I became nervous. I know none of his friends. None of them. They're all of age, and I'm still freakin' 19. What if they decide they want to go to a bar or something midway through the night, and I can't go because not only am I underage but I also do not own a fake ID? Will I feel uncomfortable being around them since they'll all be drinking, and I won't? I mean, I've been in a room full of people drinking before and felt perfectly fine, but I usually knew at least 3-4 other people there. This time I will literally know one person, and I don't want to seem like the girlfriend who doesn't speak or is a bitch because I don't speak or is weird and doesn't fit in with everyone. I feel like they're all really "hip" people, and I'm just not "hip". I have a diverse set of friends, it's true, so maybe I'll get along better with some of his friends than others. I'm just causing myself unnecessary stress, that's all. If I can go to the party, everything will be fine. I'll just be myself as usual, but I don't want to revert to my shy self because I'm in a room full of strangers (which does happen). I just want everything to go well and for it not to look like I'm trying too hard or something like that. I don't think I would be thinking about this so much if he didn't say that he wants me to come and meet his friends. Can I bring a friend too, just as a back up person? Or what if they end up liking my friend more and basically hating me?
God, I'm being so juvenile right now. But I think this is a legit thing to slightly think/worry about. I mean, is it a sign when you don't fit in with your significant other's friends? Or is the real sign when their friends straight up don't like you at all?
I hate overthinking. I hate thinking about "fitting in" again. I had to worry about this last year when I wanted to leave this school and needed a reason to stay. I just don't know. If his friends don't like me- it happens. I'll have to accept it. Or maybe I'll just have to grow on them. Yeah, maybe that'll be it. They might find me weird and awkward at first, but then maybe they'll grow to like me and we'll all be hanging out and stuff like that. I'm hoping that's what will happen. I think too much. Way too much.
What am I even talking about? Well, I've been doing a little thinking (or a lot at some points) about meeting my boyfriend's friends. Now, usually this wouldn't be an issue I would even think about, but then again I've never been in this situation before. He's older than me, and pretty much all of his friends are therefore older than me as well. I already look younger than my own age, so that doesn't help me at all of course. I met his best friend, but that was before we were even dating or interested in each other at all. I met one of his friends at that concert, but we didn't really chat or anything because my friends were there too, and I didn't know what to say of course. Over this coming Thanksgiving break, another friend of my boyfriend is supposed to be having some type of shindig the night of Black Friday in the city, and of course the boyfriend wants me to come. At first, I thought it would be cool and fine to go (granted I can even stay out late...), but as I thought about it more, I became nervous. I know none of his friends. None of them. They're all of age, and I'm still freakin' 19. What if they decide they want to go to a bar or something midway through the night, and I can't go because not only am I underage but I also do not own a fake ID? Will I feel uncomfortable being around them since they'll all be drinking, and I won't? I mean, I've been in a room full of people drinking before and felt perfectly fine, but I usually knew at least 3-4 other people there. This time I will literally know one person, and I don't want to seem like the girlfriend who doesn't speak or is a bitch because I don't speak or is weird and doesn't fit in with everyone. I feel like they're all really "hip" people, and I'm just not "hip". I have a diverse set of friends, it's true, so maybe I'll get along better with some of his friends than others. I'm just causing myself unnecessary stress, that's all. If I can go to the party, everything will be fine. I'll just be myself as usual, but I don't want to revert to my shy self because I'm in a room full of strangers (which does happen). I just want everything to go well and for it not to look like I'm trying too hard or something like that. I don't think I would be thinking about this so much if he didn't say that he wants me to come and meet his friends. Can I bring a friend too, just as a back up person? Or what if they end up liking my friend more and basically hating me?
God, I'm being so juvenile right now. But I think this is a legit thing to slightly think/worry about. I mean, is it a sign when you don't fit in with your significant other's friends? Or is the real sign when their friends straight up don't like you at all?
I hate overthinking. I hate thinking about "fitting in" again. I had to worry about this last year when I wanted to leave this school and needed a reason to stay. I just don't know. If his friends don't like me- it happens. I'll have to accept it. Or maybe I'll just have to grow on them. Yeah, maybe that'll be it. They might find me weird and awkward at first, but then maybe they'll grow to like me and we'll all be hanging out and stuff like that. I'm hoping that's what will happen. I think too much. Way too much.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Hold Up, Wait A Minute-
I wrote a post a few days ago about watching myself and not changing for another person. After thinking about it more, and reevaluating the situation, and even talking with other friends, I don't think I really did anything wrong last Thursday night. My behavior may have slightly changed, but not enough to make it seem like I was changing for my boyfriend. Also, I think that my friends just aren't used to him yet, and therefore took his comments/actions too seriously. I was talking to a friend who knew him before me, and this friend said that it took them awhile to get used to him because he kinda has a dry sense of humor at times lol. He can be slightly shy and awkward at times, but I'm the same way too. He's not intentionally trying to be a jerk or an asshole. It's just his personality, ya know. He's really nice. I feel like he's kinda the embodiment of my inner sarcastic side that rarely comes out of me. I don't speak up a lot, so I keep plenty of comments to myself.
I shouldn't have been so quick to beat down on myself for "changing" when really I didn't. I was still my same ol' ridiculous self that day. I calmed down a lot during the show because I wanted to pay attention to the music and not pass out from a lack of food. I got tired. I probably shouldn't have wrote that post and got myself into overthinking anyway because I've been so tired since that Thursday that I haven't been able to think straight at all this past week. I've been having difficulties coming up with words and sentences because I've been so out of it. I shall be sleeping for quite awhile the next few days, so then I can function a lot better in the coming weeks for finals and all.
Yeah. I'm glad I thought this all over again. I shouldn't feel guilty for anything.
I shouldn't have been so quick to beat down on myself for "changing" when really I didn't. I was still my same ol' ridiculous self that day. I calmed down a lot during the show because I wanted to pay attention to the music and not pass out from a lack of food. I got tired. I probably shouldn't have wrote that post and got myself into overthinking anyway because I've been so tired since that Thursday that I haven't been able to think straight at all this past week. I've been having difficulties coming up with words and sentences because I've been so out of it. I shall be sleeping for quite awhile the next few days, so then I can function a lot better in the coming weeks for finals and all.
Yeah. I'm glad I thought this all over again. I shouldn't feel guilty for anything.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Girl, You Better Check Yourself
I got caught up. I went blind. I lost myself for a moment.
Thursday, I was full of so much excitement for multiple reasons- I was basically going on a mini roadtrip with my friends to head up to the city for a concert, I didn't even tell my parents about the concert so I felt rebellious, and my boyfriend came with us. Well, the only reason we were going to this show was because of my boyfriend inviting me about a month ago before we were even dating. Anyway, it was a brand new experience for me going on a trip like this and all. After leaving school, we made the roughly 2.5 hour drive to pick up my bf and then make the 45 minute drive to the concert venue from his house. When it was just us girls in the car on the way there, it was all fine and dandy and crazy dancing, but once we picked him up, the atmosphere changed...
I moved from the front passenger seat to the backseat to sit next to the bf which was expected, but my friend who was riding in the back is not as good of a navigator as me, and this is where things got iffy. My driver friend only really picked up my bf because she thought that he knew how to get to the venue, but he had never been there before, so the most he could do was look up the map on his iphone and all. We got turned around a few times because we kept missing our exit to get on the one highway to take us to the city. We wasted between 15-30 minutes because of that. I equally blamed him and my friend who was now in the passenger seat, but I was joking. It was my fault for not watching the road as closely anymore as well just because my bf was now in the car. He blamed my friend for us getting turned around so much and criticized the driving of my other friend, even though he didn't really know them well enough to say those things without it sounding mean and all. We got caught in traffic as soon as we hit the north side of the city on the highway/expressway, so we were running pretty late. The show started at 8 with the main band we came to see going on last. We girls were hungry and originally planned to grab food before we went into the show. I looked up restaurants near the venue, but I didn't write down exact addresses stupidly. We walked towards the venue and got in line, but were still trying to figure out what we wanted to do about food. I was indifferent about grabbing food, and my bf wasn't hungry of course since he'd eaten less than an hour before we picked him up. We walked into the venue and got checked off the "guest list" aka will call, but then there was no re-entry. The venue has a restaurant, so my friends waited back in that area to see if they could get food while the bf and I went into the concert area. My friends met up with us pretty quickly to say that they couldn't eat in the restaurant area because they weren't 21, but the people could bring the food into the concert area for them, which would be weird because there was no seating or tables in that area. So my friends decided that we would wait until after the show. I felt bad because I know that we planned to get food before, and it was kind of my fault. And when my friends said this, my bf said, "Well, you should've spoke up", which was really rude actually. I think that was strike two for him for my friends...
During the show and all, he didn't really talk to my friends. He mainly had his back to them when were all talking and such. Sometimes he would kind of pull me towards him, as one of my friends brought to my attention. It made them feel uncomfortable and kind of unwanted, like they were a third and fourth wheel, or as my friend said, "It was like we were on an entirely different bike". When one of his friends came right before the main band, he introduced him to me, but didn't introduce my friends. During the show, he would put his arms around me, ya know in that whole standing behind me way like you see couples in the movies and all. I never turned around to look at him or anything because I was too absorbed into the music, especially when the main band we came to see performed.
After the show, we went to this nice 24/7 restaurant/kinda-diner about a 5-minute drive away. Things were better then. My friends told me later on that they don't know if he talked to them more because it was a forced environment (sitting at the table together) or not, but he was a lot nicer and all. And he was good on the ride home. Actually, he was pretty quiet on the ride home, as we all were a bit tired. We held hands pretty much the entire ride home, so I thought it was cute. He gave me a good night kiss when I walked with him to his door and all, he didn't make my friends pay him back for the concert tickets (he bought all of ours together on his card, and we were going to pay him back in cash), and he said that he plans to come down and visit me in about two weeks, which made me happy. The ride back to school was pretty smooth because it was so late and hardly any cars were on the road. When I crawled into my bed that night/early-morning, I felt good.
I felt infinite. I said that it was one of the best nights of my life because so many new things happened in one night that made me feel good. I thought we were all infinite that night.
But after my friends opened up to me today (Sunday- I realize that it is now past 2 on Monday morning...), I had to reevaluate my Thursday night adventure. I still will say that I felt infinite that night and the rest of this weekend since I was still reeling from all of the awesomeness. But my friends told me that I changed when my bf got in the car, I was acting differently and joked along with him and didn't really call him out on criticizing them. They tried to defend themselves, but he just acted as if he didn't care and still went along with what he was doing. I made my friends feel uncomfortable for about the first 3 hours with him (aka up until we got food after the show). I feel bad about this now.
When did I lose myself? When did I change? Did I get too caught up in the idea/feelings of rebellion? Was I too excited to see my boyfriend again since we basically have a long-distance relationship and I last saw him 2-3 weeks prior? How did I let myself slip and be so easily swayed without him even directly guiding me his direction?
I'm so happy my friends set me straight because I was surely blind to my actions and the extent of his. Friends always come first, and I put my new boyfriend before my friends who I've known much much longer and who know me so much better than he.
I don't want to lose myself like that again, possibly causing my friends to not have as nice of a time out. The next time he comes to visit, I'm going to talk to him about his behavior on Thursday and see if we can work something out. Was he just in a certain mood that night? Or is that how he is all of the time? Because that could make for big differences in our relationship. It's a lot to think of, but it's not the end of the world. He's only my first boyfriend, and he most likely won't be my last before marriage, but who knows what will happen in life. I didn't completely lose myself that night, but I definitely was not completely myself. I allowed myself to change in ways unknowingly to possibly be more appealing to my bf or just to be a "follower" behind him.
I'm starting to have issues forming words and coherent thoughts since it's so late and I'm lacking some serious sleep, so I'll wrap this up now...
My behavior that night was very uncharacteristic of me, and I'm not happy with myself for acting that way. That wasn't me, and my friends saw it well before I did. I am super thankful to have friends like them in my life who will actually call me out on my actions instead of just letting me feel all giddy about my being with my bf since they know that this is new to me. They're helping me though.
From now on, I'm keeping myself in check so my friends won't have to pick up an extra responsibility. I refuse to let myself change for a guy or to let myself go. I am not a fan. Not a fan. Time to stand strong and pay attention to what I'm doing more carefully.
Thursday, I was full of so much excitement for multiple reasons- I was basically going on a mini roadtrip with my friends to head up to the city for a concert, I didn't even tell my parents about the concert so I felt rebellious, and my boyfriend came with us. Well, the only reason we were going to this show was because of my boyfriend inviting me about a month ago before we were even dating. Anyway, it was a brand new experience for me going on a trip like this and all. After leaving school, we made the roughly 2.5 hour drive to pick up my bf and then make the 45 minute drive to the concert venue from his house. When it was just us girls in the car on the way there, it was all fine and dandy and crazy dancing, but once we picked him up, the atmosphere changed...
I moved from the front passenger seat to the backseat to sit next to the bf which was expected, but my friend who was riding in the back is not as good of a navigator as me, and this is where things got iffy. My driver friend only really picked up my bf because she thought that he knew how to get to the venue, but he had never been there before, so the most he could do was look up the map on his iphone and all. We got turned around a few times because we kept missing our exit to get on the one highway to take us to the city. We wasted between 15-30 minutes because of that. I equally blamed him and my friend who was now in the passenger seat, but I was joking. It was my fault for not watching the road as closely anymore as well just because my bf was now in the car. He blamed my friend for us getting turned around so much and criticized the driving of my other friend, even though he didn't really know them well enough to say those things without it sounding mean and all. We got caught in traffic as soon as we hit the north side of the city on the highway/expressway, so we were running pretty late. The show started at 8 with the main band we came to see going on last. We girls were hungry and originally planned to grab food before we went into the show. I looked up restaurants near the venue, but I didn't write down exact addresses stupidly. We walked towards the venue and got in line, but were still trying to figure out what we wanted to do about food. I was indifferent about grabbing food, and my bf wasn't hungry of course since he'd eaten less than an hour before we picked him up. We walked into the venue and got checked off the "guest list" aka will call, but then there was no re-entry. The venue has a restaurant, so my friends waited back in that area to see if they could get food while the bf and I went into the concert area. My friends met up with us pretty quickly to say that they couldn't eat in the restaurant area because they weren't 21, but the people could bring the food into the concert area for them, which would be weird because there was no seating or tables in that area. So my friends decided that we would wait until after the show. I felt bad because I know that we planned to get food before, and it was kind of my fault. And when my friends said this, my bf said, "Well, you should've spoke up", which was really rude actually. I think that was strike two for him for my friends...
During the show and all, he didn't really talk to my friends. He mainly had his back to them when were all talking and such. Sometimes he would kind of pull me towards him, as one of my friends brought to my attention. It made them feel uncomfortable and kind of unwanted, like they were a third and fourth wheel, or as my friend said, "It was like we were on an entirely different bike". When one of his friends came right before the main band, he introduced him to me, but didn't introduce my friends. During the show, he would put his arms around me, ya know in that whole standing behind me way like you see couples in the movies and all. I never turned around to look at him or anything because I was too absorbed into the music, especially when the main band we came to see performed.
After the show, we went to this nice 24/7 restaurant/kinda-diner about a 5-minute drive away. Things were better then. My friends told me later on that they don't know if he talked to them more because it was a forced environment (sitting at the table together) or not, but he was a lot nicer and all. And he was good on the ride home. Actually, he was pretty quiet on the ride home, as we all were a bit tired. We held hands pretty much the entire ride home, so I thought it was cute. He gave me a good night kiss when I walked with him to his door and all, he didn't make my friends pay him back for the concert tickets (he bought all of ours together on his card, and we were going to pay him back in cash), and he said that he plans to come down and visit me in about two weeks, which made me happy. The ride back to school was pretty smooth because it was so late and hardly any cars were on the road. When I crawled into my bed that night/early-morning, I felt good.
I felt infinite. I said that it was one of the best nights of my life because so many new things happened in one night that made me feel good. I thought we were all infinite that night.
But after my friends opened up to me today (Sunday- I realize that it is now past 2 on Monday morning...), I had to reevaluate my Thursday night adventure. I still will say that I felt infinite that night and the rest of this weekend since I was still reeling from all of the awesomeness. But my friends told me that I changed when my bf got in the car, I was acting differently and joked along with him and didn't really call him out on criticizing them. They tried to defend themselves, but he just acted as if he didn't care and still went along with what he was doing. I made my friends feel uncomfortable for about the first 3 hours with him (aka up until we got food after the show). I feel bad about this now.
When did I lose myself? When did I change? Did I get too caught up in the idea/feelings of rebellion? Was I too excited to see my boyfriend again since we basically have a long-distance relationship and I last saw him 2-3 weeks prior? How did I let myself slip and be so easily swayed without him even directly guiding me his direction?
I'm so happy my friends set me straight because I was surely blind to my actions and the extent of his. Friends always come first, and I put my new boyfriend before my friends who I've known much much longer and who know me so much better than he.
I don't want to lose myself like that again, possibly causing my friends to not have as nice of a time out. The next time he comes to visit, I'm going to talk to him about his behavior on Thursday and see if we can work something out. Was he just in a certain mood that night? Or is that how he is all of the time? Because that could make for big differences in our relationship. It's a lot to think of, but it's not the end of the world. He's only my first boyfriend, and he most likely won't be my last before marriage, but who knows what will happen in life. I didn't completely lose myself that night, but I definitely was not completely myself. I allowed myself to change in ways unknowingly to possibly be more appealing to my bf or just to be a "follower" behind him.
I'm starting to have issues forming words and coherent thoughts since it's so late and I'm lacking some serious sleep, so I'll wrap this up now...
My behavior that night was very uncharacteristic of me, and I'm not happy with myself for acting that way. That wasn't me, and my friends saw it well before I did. I am super thankful to have friends like them in my life who will actually call me out on my actions instead of just letting me feel all giddy about my being with my bf since they know that this is new to me. They're helping me though.
From now on, I'm keeping myself in check so my friends won't have to pick up an extra responsibility. I refuse to let myself change for a guy or to let myself go. I am not a fan. Not a fan. Time to stand strong and pay attention to what I'm doing more carefully.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
The Right Choice
I'm thinking that I definitely made the right decision in being with my boyfriend. I think that some people were trying to guilt trip me because of my involvement with the other guy, but since I still can't really get this other guy to talk to me about this whole situation, I feel even stronger and more certain in my decision. I am not easily swayed by others, and I definitely wasn't going to feel horrible for not "waiting" for this other guy. I was supposed to go to his apartment last night to talk, but then he said that he couldn't borrow his friend's car to pick me up because they had places to go, so he was going to call me at 8 (the time we were supposed to meet). Then he got caught up with his friends again, so I told him to just call when he was free. He said that he would call around 9:25-ish- no call. I sent him a text 10 minutes later saying that he could call just in case he didn't get my previous text saying that it was fine for him to call me then. He never called last night. His friend started texting me around 10:30 last night, and I didn't give him my number but whatever. This guy is a talker. He ends up calling me instead of trying to get info from me via text. I was telling him that really it's not his business and that his friend just needs to talk to me. He kind of told me about stuff going on with his friend and all, and it helped me understand more that it's probably a good thing that I didn't pursue a relationship with him. If he's going through shit right now, then he shouldn't be in a relationship and he shouldn't be messing around with people either. He might have bad people skills and may be bad at expressing his emotions and all, but that's what I'm here for. I would give him all of the time to stumble over his words and all just to get out his thoughts and feelings- I'm a very patient person. I'm not gonna judge him for anything he's done in the past or is currently going through. I'm the vice president of a freakin group that tries to promote open-mindedness and non-judgmental attitudes because you never know what someone has been through, you don't know their story. So I wish that he would just stop blowing me off or making me feel like we'll actually get to talk because he wants to talk in person too and then just get caught up in whatever other stuff.
I appreciate his friend having his back and trying to get info out of me, but I need to just talk to him. His friend thinks that he is this expert at psychology because he took a class or two and really enjoyed them, and he especially loves talking about relationship stuff, but I don't think he's an expert at actually dealing with people. I'm no expert, but I've been through shit, and I understand people. I don't yell at them and get on them for small things like he does. You need to have patience to really understand people, to read them, to hear them out. I may not be "the relationship expert" that he is, but I know people, and I feel for them. I just want him to stop acting like a know-it-all and taking over the conversations and let his fuckin friend talk. He can't work on his communication skills if you're always talking, damn.
Anyway, I just want to be friends with this guy now, and I want him to know that I'll be here for him. Let's put aside what we've done in the past, though that may be slightly hard, but it's for the best. I want him to feel like he can talk to me because I feel like his one friend isn't going to cut it all of the time. He needs some positive influences in his life, and I can be a positive influence (except for in the homework category because I'm such a slacker). He just needs friends right now. I don't think he can really handle a relationship right now with so much other stuff on his plate anyway. I just want him to be alright and for us to be friends and for him to trust me. That's all.
I also wish my boyfriend were closer- the issue with long-distance relationships, but I can handle it. I'll be seeing him Thursday!! I'm so excited. Then I can be sassy with him, and he'll be all cool and cute about it and call me sassasaurus rex haha. Ew, I'm being all girly and shit. I like him, and I'll leave it at that.
I appreciate his friend having his back and trying to get info out of me, but I need to just talk to him. His friend thinks that he is this expert at psychology because he took a class or two and really enjoyed them, and he especially loves talking about relationship stuff, but I don't think he's an expert at actually dealing with people. I'm no expert, but I've been through shit, and I understand people. I don't yell at them and get on them for small things like he does. You need to have patience to really understand people, to read them, to hear them out. I may not be "the relationship expert" that he is, but I know people, and I feel for them. I just want him to stop acting like a know-it-all and taking over the conversations and let his fuckin friend talk. He can't work on his communication skills if you're always talking, damn.
Anyway, I just want to be friends with this guy now, and I want him to know that I'll be here for him. Let's put aside what we've done in the past, though that may be slightly hard, but it's for the best. I want him to feel like he can talk to me because I feel like his one friend isn't going to cut it all of the time. He needs some positive influences in his life, and I can be a positive influence (except for in the homework category because I'm such a slacker). He just needs friends right now. I don't think he can really handle a relationship right now with so much other stuff on his plate anyway. I just want him to be alright and for us to be friends and for him to trust me. That's all.
I also wish my boyfriend were closer- the issue with long-distance relationships, but I can handle it. I'll be seeing him Thursday!! I'm so excited. Then I can be sassy with him, and he'll be all cool and cute about it and call me sassasaurus rex haha. Ew, I'm being all girly and shit. I like him, and I'll leave it at that.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Casual? Or...
Should I do the whole "casual dating" thing? Where I literally go on dates and "talk" to more than one guy at a time? Is this even right for me? Am I willing to try it out because a friend has done it? Will it be like I'm talking to two or three guys and chillin with them but not actually in a real relationship with them? It kind of sucks when a person tells you how much they really like you and think you're really sweet and great and list off all of the reasons they are attracted to you, but that they aren't looking for a serious relationship right now, that maybe in a year they will be ready for a serious relationship and will be ready to be your boyfriend for sure then because they really would like to be your boyfriend. All I can think is "Fuck my life" (pardon my language) because I just see a flashback of the last "fling" I had, and I hated where that went. I can't even look that other guy in the face without cringing on the inside every time. It really sucks when your friends know about the guy and are all excited for you and waiting for you to get in a relationship, and then you never want to have to break it to them that he doesn't want a relationship right now. Why is it so difficult? Why must everything be so casual? If you really like me, why can't we just be together now? Why would we tease ourselves like this? When you were drunk the other night and texted me, I should've understood then what you were trying to say, but I was tired and you were drunkingly texting me and not writing in the most complete of sentences. You said that we would talk and all.
Thanks for taking me on a date and all. I really had a nice time. I really did. I appreciate your honesty. About everything. That "fling" of a guy lead me on- you did not. I'm glad you were upfront with me at the beginning of all of this. I'm glad that you like so many things about me, but I dislike that you don't want a relationship right now. But maybe you're smart for wanting to wait. We shouldn't rush into things anyway. I mean, we truly haven't known each other super long. So maybe I get it. Maybe once we spend more time with each other, maybe your feelings will change. Maybe you'll say "Fuck it" and want to be in a relationship. Waiting is not a bad thing. It's not. But I get that you're also kind of doing this for me. You've been in relationships before- I have not. While we're not actually official, I could go out with other guys (if they should enter my life), figure out what I really want out of a relationship, figure out what I really want in a guy, just figure out all of this shit in general. This is your break from the relationship ordeal for now; you'll just keep it casual. Yeah. Let me keep my options open. I will keep my options open. But I like you. I really fucking do. It's not even like I like you for the wrong reasons either. It's all of the right reasons. It even started off right. It wasn't the whole "oooo he's cute. I wonder if he notices me? Omg, we're actually having a conversation. Omg, he thinks I'm funny. Omg, I think he likes me too. Omg, he's so cute." I wouldn't actually say "omg" that many times, but you (as in you readers, if there are any...) get what I'm saying. I can actually have legit, serious conversations with him! He likes going into detail when he's telling a story or something and then he feels bad about taking so long to tell the story, but I do the exact same thing so of course I have enough patience to hear him tell the entire story. I wish more people explained things in detail. We're in such a fast-paced society that we can't even take the time to listen to someone tell us something thoughtful in great detail- we always want the summary. There's so many genuine things to like about him. I actually think he's the first guy that I've ever had feelings for where I have many reasons to like him that are good reasons- I'm not falling for a druggie/high school dropout, a boy with an accent whose written English skills bring out my inner grammar Nazi, a boy with a pretty face who barely knew I existed, a DJ who was probably too old for me anyway, and other "cute" faces in the crowd. No, I'm not in love or anything because that's a bit too fast and weird. But I really like this guy.
Thanks for taking me on a date and all. I really had a nice time. I really did. I appreciate your honesty. About everything. That "fling" of a guy lead me on- you did not. I'm glad you were upfront with me at the beginning of all of this. I'm glad that you like so many things about me, but I dislike that you don't want a relationship right now. But maybe you're smart for wanting to wait. We shouldn't rush into things anyway. I mean, we truly haven't known each other super long. So maybe I get it. Maybe once we spend more time with each other, maybe your feelings will change. Maybe you'll say "Fuck it" and want to be in a relationship. Waiting is not a bad thing. It's not. But I get that you're also kind of doing this for me. You've been in relationships before- I have not. While we're not actually official, I could go out with other guys (if they should enter my life), figure out what I really want out of a relationship, figure out what I really want in a guy, just figure out all of this shit in general. This is your break from the relationship ordeal for now; you'll just keep it casual. Yeah. Let me keep my options open. I will keep my options open. But I like you. I really fucking do. It's not even like I like you for the wrong reasons either. It's all of the right reasons. It even started off right. It wasn't the whole "oooo he's cute. I wonder if he notices me? Omg, we're actually having a conversation. Omg, he thinks I'm funny. Omg, I think he likes me too. Omg, he's so cute." I wouldn't actually say "omg" that many times, but you (as in you readers, if there are any...) get what I'm saying. I can actually have legit, serious conversations with him! He likes going into detail when he's telling a story or something and then he feels bad about taking so long to tell the story, but I do the exact same thing so of course I have enough patience to hear him tell the entire story. I wish more people explained things in detail. We're in such a fast-paced society that we can't even take the time to listen to someone tell us something thoughtful in great detail- we always want the summary. There's so many genuine things to like about him. I actually think he's the first guy that I've ever had feelings for where I have many reasons to like him that are good reasons- I'm not falling for a druggie/high school dropout, a boy with an accent whose written English skills bring out my inner grammar Nazi, a boy with a pretty face who barely knew I existed, a DJ who was probably too old for me anyway, and other "cute" faces in the crowd. No, I'm not in love or anything because that's a bit too fast and weird. But I really like this guy.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Relationships Are Odd Business
I'm still trying to figure this whole thing out. I don't want to rush into things just because I'm pretty inexperienced. How long do people "talk" before they decide to get into an actual relationship? How many dates do you go out on, especially if you don't know the other person as well? How do you get enough courage to tell a person that you really like them, and it's not just some little crush? You know the crush- when you rarely talk to the person, and you find them quite attractive, but you hardly know anything about them or they barely know you exist. I can safely say that I've moved on from those types of crushes. Actually, I wouldn't even call what feelings I have for most guys "crushes" anymore. I have genuine feelings, ya know. I don't want to obsess over a relationship, and I hope that whatever guy ends up being my first boyfriend or fifth boyfriend or husband realizes that. I'm not trying to say that the relationship isn't important to me, but I want he and I to be able to lead our separate lives as well. I don't want to spend every waking moment with my guy or have to tell him where I am 24/7 or anything like that. I don't want to get tired of him or feel like he's being the jealous type because I went out with my friends and didn't invite him. As I've been told, I'm a pretty chill girl. I'd like to stick to that too because that's just how I am.
So, while I'm stuck in this position where there may be two guys who have feelings for me, I must make decisions. One guy has already openly admitted that he definitely likes me and feels a connection; the other guy seems like a mystery, so I cannot confirm that actually likes me and just doesn't want to be friends. I'm happy with being friends with both of these guys, but I don't want it to be awkward between the first guy and I because he admitted to liking me. It takes a ton of courage to do what he did, and I admire him for that, plus I like him too. At this point, we could just jump right into a relationship, but I don't want to rush into things and have things go badly because we didn't wait longer to make sure our feelings were true and not just illusions for the moment. I want things to work, but I don't want to get my hopes up when disappointment could be right around the corner.
As my title states, relationships are odd business indeed.
So, while I'm stuck in this position where there may be two guys who have feelings for me, I must make decisions. One guy has already openly admitted that he definitely likes me and feels a connection; the other guy seems like a mystery, so I cannot confirm that actually likes me and just doesn't want to be friends. I'm happy with being friends with both of these guys, but I don't want it to be awkward between the first guy and I because he admitted to liking me. It takes a ton of courage to do what he did, and I admire him for that, plus I like him too. At this point, we could just jump right into a relationship, but I don't want to rush into things and have things go badly because we didn't wait longer to make sure our feelings were true and not just illusions for the moment. I want things to work, but I don't want to get my hopes up when disappointment could be right around the corner.
As my title states, relationships are odd business indeed.
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