2012, Oh Wow

I have a lot less to say about the year 2012 than I did 2011. So much happened in 2011, and 2012 was definitely lacking in as many positive/negative experiences, but that is okay. The year was good overall. Here are some of the happenings:

• spontaneous trip to Chicago and Pick Me Up Cafe with a few friends
• spring break in LA with one of my best friends
• seeing La Dispute and All Get Out on May 6th (and almost failing my psych final two days later)
• going to a conference for counselors and future counselors (was the only undergrad student there)
• getting rejected from an internship with Planned Parenthood the day before my interview
• connecting with a friend of a friend and spending at least twice a week with this person over the summer; it's like we built an intimate relationship without the physical or romantic aspects
• realizing that I'd fallen in love but that the person would never be mine
• growing closer with the English department
• growing a little distant from the Psychology department
• an increased interest in issues regarding sexual assault and rape
• many new music findings
• getting my first real job
• finally seeing Kids These Days perform live (and getting to see The Cool Kids again)
• giving second chances, even when I probably should not have
• lessons learned
• etc.

That's 2012 in a nutshell. Not too much. Onward in 2013.

And It's Like Nothing Has Changed

Random conversations with someone you haven't spoken to in awhile are always nice. I love having friends that I can always meet up with after not speaking with them for literally months and strike up a conversation about anything and catch up with our lives or talk about our goals. Also, having the support of these friends is really great because it shows that truly no matter the distance or how long it's been that you can still come together and chill together like the old days. I just love this so much, and I don't want friendships like this to end. If anything, I would love for them to grow stronger so that so much time doesn't elapse between our communications any longer.

I just really love people.

You Deserve Better, But You Were Good For Him/Her

The other day, my grandmother and I were talking about a family member who's been in and out of trouble for years, and she brought up how he needed to stop messing around with these women who have issues. She brought up how she wishes he was still with his ex from 10+ years ago. Yes, it's been that long, but my grandma still believes this woman was great for him. Why was she so great? Well, for one thing, she stood strong, she stood her ground, she challenged him. He couldn't get his way easily with her, and she wasn't going to allow that. All those women who came after her? They were complete followers, submissive to whatever he said/wanted, which is really sad. This specific ex, though, I remember her when I was a little kid. She was always nice to me, bought me chips (because what else do little kids want in life besides junk food), got along with the family, such a sweetheart in general. I don't know who broke up with who or if it was a mutual agreement, but I was sad when she wasn't around anymore. My grandma says this woman was really in love with this family member, so I'm thinking he broke up with her (I wouldn't be surprised). At the same time, though, we could argue that she deserved better, so it's a good thing she isn't with this family member anymore and has gone on to be successful in life. So where is this little story going?

I've been thinking about how people can say person A deserves a better person than person B, but at the same time someone else might say person A was good for person B because they helped keep person B in line, kept them out of trouble a bit. Usually friends and/or family of person A will say they deserve better, while family and/or friends of person B will say that person A was actually good for the former.

What keeps us in relationships with people when we technically "deserve better"? Is that love? Is love that force that keeps you with a person who is..."beneath" you or just nowhere near perfect? I hate to use the term "beneath" because it belittles people, but at this moment I couldn't think of another word to replace it, but you get my point. Now, this isn't to be used in the example of abusive relationships because that is an entirely different story of how I feel about a person deserving better and being good for someone else in that sense. I've digressed...

Anyway, it's just something that's been on my mind lately, especially with my grandma bringing up our family member and his ex. It's also kind of funny because a post I wrote a week or two ago was about being young but not settling for less than what we deserve. Should we hold relationships in the same light? Should we reject the person who is "less than"? Or do we stay with this person because we realize that we caused a change for the better in them, and leaving them would just cause trouble and much pain? I guess this just has me thinking now for people who do stay with a person when they know they could "do better"- are they staying because of love or is it an obligation to keep this person on the right track?

People are powerful, sometimes far more than they know.

We're Young, But We Shouldn't Settle For Less

Living in a college town and being a "poor college student" means sometimes moving into apartments/houses that have been lived in by hundreds of other "poor college students". Some of these places aren't too shabby while others look quite...dated. And I believe "dated" is being nice in some cases. Lessors/landlords don't always help keep the places up as nice as they could because college students will be living there. They figure that we don't really care how the places look, as long as they're affordable and the main utilities work. As long as we're paying good money, we shouldn't just get the bare minimum.

So here's the situation...

Three friends and I will be renting a house not too far from school. Actually, we are currently renting it (12-month lease, $1100/month, that started June 1st) and only two of my roomies are staying there for the summer. I went down to visit the place two days after my other roomies moved in to check things out and take photos and whatnot. A few major issues were discovered as well as many minor issues. I informed my one friend who won't be able to come down to the house until it's time for school to start again about the issues. Her response? Basically, she says that as long as everything is working, why do any of those issues matter, except for like one major issue. I love my friend, but I was actually shocked to hear her response to the issues in the house.

We weren't expecting to live in a perfect house, but we expected for some things to be fixed before we moved in. My one roommate who is staying there now is all "we can fix this, clean that", which is true in some cases, but some things are just not our responsibility at all. We shouldn't be spending our own money to fix a place that we're only renting for a year, repairing damages left before we moved in. It's not fair to us that we have to move into a house that isn't really "ready" for us nor that we have to fix ourselves. Whatever repairs we do to this house ourselves, we should be repaid for honestly, or we can take any additions with us (except for paint on the walls and similar repairs).

• There's a ton of chipped paint throughout the house, a minor issue, but it would be awesome if they gave us paint to fix these walls. 
• We're not responsible for grass care, so it would be awesome if they could cut down all of those weeds in our yard. It looks like they haven't cut the grass in months. I'd just cut the grass myself, but they claim we don't do any yard work, just shovel the snow during winter. 
• The outside of this house needs a paint job, especially by the door.
• There's a hole in the wall in the living room that is about the circumference of a baseball and more than a surface issue. One of my roomies' boyfriend hung a nice painting he did over the hole lol.
• Cracks in the ceiling- water damage maybe? 
• Rat/mice droppings in a cabinet near the floor in our little hallway outside of the kitchen. Do. We. Have. Rats?!!!! This is a major problem that needs to be fixed. No exceptions.
• And other random issues

My point is that as young adults, we have the right to demand nice things as well. People expect us to screw things up all of the time, but not all of us are "bad" or look to purposely damage property. As a lessor/landlord, I would want my lessee(s) to move into a nice and clean place, in hopes that they would want to renew their lease or rent another one of my properties. I wouldn't promise the lessee things that I wouldn't keep... But it's okay. This is all a learning experience.

As Blink-182 said, I guess this is growing up.

Caring Is...Caring

No matter what, I'll always care. And I hate it. I hate that I care so much. Wouldn't it be easier in life if you could just forget about people, completely remove them from your life since it seems like they've already done just that? Sometimes I wonder how is it even possible to care about someone you haven't talked to in awhile (in some cases years)? Are you weird if you do still care about someone when they could care less about you (or so you believe that to be the case)?

I can't read minds. I can "read" people when I'm with them, observing their emotions, body language, reactions, but I still can't necessarily read their mind. I don't know. Maybe it's just this weird thing of missing a person and their company because there was nothing like it. Not to say that when I'm with other people I don't enjoy that time, because that is definitely not the case. It was just...different. Different yet comforting. The air always felt calm and at ease.

And now I feel like I'm in this weird position where I'm thinking about you a lot less, not "worrying" about your well-being so much and if you're happy, yet still hoping things work out for you. I'm meeting new people, reconnecting with old people, and it's a really nice change in my life. I'm not in the house so much anymore just doing nothing- someone is usually around who wants to meet up, chill, or just drive around town for a few hours listening to music. But now I have this new fear of losing someone I truly care about. Granted, this has happened before, but it was usually with people who I never really had a lot in common with at all, so we usually had few memories to share. Maybe it's the fact that so many things remind me of you without even trying, and I think I hate that even more. I just want my friend back.

Even though as I write this I have a specific person in mind, there are a few people I can think of who I just want to have in my life again. I wish everything were as easy as a phone call or some type of message, but that would make life fair, and we all know life can't be fair.

This is what happens when you stay up too late. The thoughts are never-ending. I apologize to any soul who actually reads this for the lack of structure that I at least attempt to have in most of my long text posts.

Damaged and Unbreakable

One of my favorite spoken word artists/writers/Chicagoans/awesome person in general, Chris Gutierrez, wrote a blog post today that kind of accurately describes my feelings from last night (I was in such a weird mood yesterday). You can read that post here. (EDIT: This is from a few weeks ago now.)

I was in such an odd mood that Friday two weeks ago. I can barely describe it. I was feeling pretty good earlier in the day, but by the afternoon, I was just..off. I finally saw Bridesmaids that night with one of my friends, and it wasn't a bad movie, but it definitely wasn't as funny as I thought it was going to be. Some parts of the movie were so relevant to the past year of my life that I didn't know how to handle it afterwards. I came back to my room and was overwhelmed by my thoughts. I even cried a little because I felt shitty, I felt damaged, I felt all of the things I felt from the past year in one night.

I talked to one of my close friends the next day about it, and he said that I wasn't damaged. As a friend, that's easy to say. Being honest though, I am. I made some pretty big mistakes last year, things that left me hurt in the end. Poor decisions. My clouded judgment got the best of me, and it sucks. It really does. I'm not going to go into detail of what I've done because they aren't things that I think should be broadcast to the whole world. Most of my friends don't even know what I've done. I'm not proud. Sometimes I fear that my past will come back and fuck me over. Sometimes, I think that I'll never find a truly decent guy who will be able to look past these things. I think, what if I meet a guy who is too perfect, too clean? Will I be intimidated by his perfection? He could be into me in the beginning...until he finds out more about me, then he might walk away. Really, I just overthink these things, but I truly feel just a bit damaged. I could be a lot more messed up, I really could, so I'm thankful to still be mostly okay. This is why I'm so substance-free, for the most part. I've tried hookah before, but that was once a few weeks ago, and I don't foresee doing that often. None of my friends understand why I won't just drink a little or smoke a little, but I don't want to start now. I don't want to make myself sound super unstable or anything, but I'm not strong enough to handle substances currently. I'll become dependent, there's no doubt. I've seriously considered picking up smoking to de-stress, but I know how unhealthy that would be for my already sucky health. I don't mess with alcohol because the only time I'm ever interested in drinking is when I'm feeling low and want to numb my feelings and not deal with my problems. I never think about alcohol when I want to have fun. I have fun completely sober, I have a ton of fun. I don't want to become dependent on these substances because I know I will, just to have something alter my mood temporarily. I need to stay clean right now.

Though damaged, I am unbreakable. You can beat me, you can try to tear me down, but you can't break me. I'm damaged, but I'm not completely broken. There's always a nice amount of hope left within me, helping to mend some of the cracks. I have to forgive myself for my mistakes, move forward, actually learn from these experiences. It's not the end of the world. I'm not a "horrible" person. I'm going to make it, damaged but unbreakable.

2011, You Weren't Too Shabby

I know it would've been the smart or cool thing to write about my thoughts on 2011 while it was still 2011, but family came over on the 30th and left yesterday, and I couldn't be so rude as to write a blog post in their presence. Anyway...

2011

What can I say? You weren't the worst year I've had (that might go to 2010, which was more of a super bittersweet year with a few highs and many lows), but you probably weren't the best. A lot happened this year. A lot. I wanted new experiences and changes in my life, and boy did I get them. I had my first kiss, pulled my first true all-nighter, had my first boyfriend, went on dates, went to the city (aka Chicago) on a school night for a concert and returned the same night, made new friends, grew even closer to close friends, grew distant from people because we all change, I made mistakes, got hurt, relapsed twice, grew an even stronger dislike for a family member, actually saw weed up close (yes, I had never actually seen marijuana up close until May/June), went to Lollapalooza, read some good books, went to a house show, had two legitimate regrets or so, ate many jumbo marshmallows, volunteered at a great hospital in my favorite city, cuddled, kissed, got a freakin hickey (still only that one to date, not really hoping for more...), truly realized that an older age doesn't always mean more experienced and wise, got out more, had great conversations, got a tattoo, contemplated really making my parents angry by being a rebel (I didn't, but I was close...), was surrounded by alcohol often yet didn't drink, broke shit, lost shit, cried over the death of my external hard drive (music, pictures, old writings, everything), lost my grandfather who I almost forgot was still living (yes, that's sad, but we were never close, and my dad's side of the family is just so distant from each other. I wish I would've known him better), got so angry at myself I didn't know what to do, cried for various reasons, visited Mike's grave with Jon and truly felt his presence, ate a lot, saw so much positivity and optimism in some people that it helped me fight even more to stay strong and positive, felt pain, realized how much my family truly is struggling financially, accepted the fact that my aunt is never going to walk again, hugged a lot of people, tried to keep a smile on my face as often as possible, stressed myself out, almost seriously blacked out, discovered new music, watched new films, barely slept, and I did other random things, but most importantly, I loved.
I loved everyone, and I still do. Sometimes, people angered me or hurt me, and I needed time to cool off and just breathe. I don't hate anyone, but I do dislike very few people, very few. Three guys hurt me to certain extents in their own ways. Two of them I'm not mad at because it wasn't intentional, they're just as fucked up as me, and they're still in my life as friends. But the other one...while I hold no hard feelings for him anymore, he knew what he was doing. He used me, he tried to guilt trip me, he took advantage of my vulnerable state, he cared more about himself and thinking about a future as a rich person with a fancy car than another human being. While I wish him the best in life, I will not stick around to see how everything goes; he is not positive to my life, so he cannot stay. Regardless, I love everyone.

So, 2011, thank you for giving me a year full of many new experiences, for giving me a time of growth, for helping me become stronger. I am officially ready for battle.

I have no resolutions for 2012 besides striving for a positive year. Making resolutions never seems to work for me (or many people...), so I'm just going to prepare myself for whatever may come my way while still keeping my eyes on the future.

2012, bring it on.

Winter Show 2: A House Show

I went to this tonight. I had so much fuckin fun. I ate blueberry pancakes that possibly had alcohol in them. I saw so many people who either went to or currently attend my high school. It sweaty as balls in there. I almost got a fro. Everything was worth it. Fuck yeah.

Letting Go

For the first time tonight, I cried over a bowl of spaghetti. I cried over you. Usually, I don't like to talk about people directly (as if I am speaking to them about them) in an anonymous fashion, but it's one of those times where I need to just write it out because I'm slightly too lazy to write in my journal (but I will definitely be writing in there soon, probably after this).

I lied to myself, I lied to one of my closest friends. I told myself that I was over "us" and could move on to just being friends and all. But now... now you're just ignoring me, and it honestly makes me feel like shit. If you really don't want to be my friend anymore (because I just can't tell), please just tell me. I'd rather someone tell me that they would rather not speak to me anymore than just ignore me, leading me to believe that maybe they are busy or just trying to avoid me in general. Maybe I'm supposed to not talk to you for weeks or months before we can start speaking again on friendly terms. I don't know how any of this truly works. I'm an amateur to the relationship thing. You know this. I just wish you weren't being such a asshole about it. I wish you weren't playing the victim role now. I haven't posted tons of sappy shit on my blog about having my heart broken, about being a nice girl and no one wanting me, about being let go in general. I didn't even address it on my blog. And I get it, I shouldn't be trying to judge what someone posts on their blog and all, but if they should post personal stuff for the world to see, what do you expect? And I know how you are, so you're prone to post your feelings because it's your escape. Stop whining about being a nice guy who the good/smart girls never want because they always go for assholes. Stop saying that you had your heart broken when you broke up with me. You must be an asshole then because I consider myself to be a pretty good/smart girl, but I thought you were a nice guy. Actually, deep down, I still believe you're a really nice guy, I won't even deny that. I think you just need to get your shit together now. I don't know what you want, I can't read minds. It kind of hurts to see you posting things about being hurt when you're the one who decided to do this. Obviously I still like you, and I am truly convinced that you no longer have feelings for me, and I have come to accept that. It sucks so much, but I can't change your mind. I can't. Everything just happened so fast, so abrupt. I didn't even see it coming. Because we had so much in common, it sucks even more because now so many things I like will remind me of you:

• Fall Out Boy- I don't think I know anyone who loves these guys and wants them to get back together more than you
• Lydia, La Dispute, The Spill Canvas- I started listening to them more because of you
• Green Street Hooligans- the first time we hung out alone/our sorta first date, we watched this movie together, lying on your bed, working on my art project at the same time. I'd seen the movie about 2-3 times before, but it was nice actually watching it with someone else
• The Science of Sleep- while we were still just in our talking/chatting stage, we both found out that it's one of each other's favorite films.
• Criminal Minds, Matthew Gray Gubler, Shemar Moore- not only do we both love the show, we both also love seeing Gubler and Shemar together in photos, on screen , whatever.
• Chipotle and Jimmy Johns- once again, I don't know anyone who loves these places more than you
• Harry Potter, Slytherin, green and silver- biggest Slytherin supporter I know (or self-described Slytherin, I don't know how to describe this). You say that green and silver are your favorite colors, for obvious reasons.
• Food- in general, you understand my love for food, we share this love, you know I'd choose food over sex and practically anything any day/time.
• that mix cd- whenever I rode in the car with you, I pretty much heard that same fuckin mix cd every time, so anytime I hear songs from there, I'll be reminded of you
• "Don't Be So Hard"- a lovely song by The Audition, and one of my faves. It's on said mix cd mentioned in the bullet above.
• 183rd st- super obvious reason. It really sucks that this is a busy street, and I pass it/drive on it often.
• Sassy- until you started calling me sassy, I have never heard so many people call me sassy in my life. I really don't want to be called sassy anymore now...

So many things that I see, hear, read, am just exposed to on a regular basis will remind me of you. I love everything about you, except for this current asshole/douchebaggery of yours. I love your flaws, your tattoos, your sarcasm, your eyes, your humor, your taste in everything, your singing (even though you think you're not good at it when you have such a nice voice), your niceness, and even the things you hate about yourself. I just love you for being you. No, I'm not in love with you. That'd be a bit too soon. But I'm a lover, so of course I love and care for you, just like all of my friends. I feel like you get lonely at night sometimes because everyone else is so far away at school or in the city. Sometimes, you just want to drive around listening to music with someone or grab food from some late-night fast food eatery, and I wished I could've been closer all of those times you just wanted to be around someone. We'd stay on skype for hours and not even speak the entire time- I think you just enjoyed the company, it was like someone was there with you.

I think you're just lost and don't know what you really want out of life yet. You say you want to be a social worker and go to whatever school, but you're 22 and still haven't made a move. I wanted to help you out a little, just to get you to talk out some goals and such, and we could help each other reach our goals. I just don't want to see you stuck while everyone else is moving forward and moving on in their lives. I don't know what's going on with you, but I guess I'll never know unless you tell. I'll leave it to your friends to help you out because I'm probably the last person you want to speak to right now. I'm always here for you though. If two years from now you decide that you want to talk to me again, I'll be glad to hear from you and I won't hold anything from now against you because it'll be such old news by then. No matter what, I won't forget you (I mean, it would be kinda hard to forget one's first relationship...). I only wish for the best for you.

I have to let you go now. If you want me, you know how to reach me. I can no longer reach out to you first because I can't deal with being ignored again and again. It'll be hard because there will be times where I really miss you and just want to text or call you or send you a picture text of something only you would really find humorous, but I will stay strong and resist. I can't allow all of these emotions to rush back and for me to get hurt because of you. I can't. I'm a smart girl, and I'm not a beggar or someone who forces someone to do something they don't want to do. I'm not going to fight because why should I? I love you, and that's why I have to let you go (cliche or not).


Let the fall make you stronger.- something I read earlier from The Angry Therapist, which came at the most relevant and perfect moment.

The Break Up- Over but Fine

Yesterday, my boyfriend and I ended our relationship. I think it was slightly hard in the sense that neither of us really wanted to end it via phone, but I was the one who decided that we should talk on the phone since he was being weird all last week and seemed distant. We're not sad about it though. Though I probably would not have ended things just yet, it was mostly a mutual decision to end things. We would probably be better as friends anyway because we have so much in common. I know he didn't want to end things on the phone, but it would've been hard for me to just sit here 170 miles away not doing anything for two weeks as he's acting odd. He felt like an uber jerk and all (or as he said a "jerkasaurus rex"), but I told him that he's not a jerk because really he isn't. When the feelings aren't the same anymore, you just can't help it. For the most part, the feelings probably weren't there from the beginning. We tried to fool ourselves into believing that we needed to be in a romantic relationship, that we liked each other more than just friends, that because we had so much in common we needed to be together. We lasted roughly a month and a half- that's pretty good for my first relationship haha. We're still going to be friends though, and I hope we truly stick to that because now that he's entered my life, I really don't want him to be out of my life (if that makes sense). We don't need to be in a romantic relationship, but now we can just grow our relationship as friends. He says that we should definitely still hang out, and he's still picking me up from school next week (I would be kinda stuck here if he didn't...). Honestly, he's a really awesome guy that I do have a ton in common with, so we would make pretty freakin awesome friends. Maybe we could be like a dream team or something haha- being sassy and listening to good music and watching good movies and attempting to beat each other at various video games.

The only thing is that I've already sorta started buying his Christmas gifts (it was going to be like a bag full of random shit haha), so I guess I'll just give him what I already bought and just give it to him as a friend. I'll write a nice little note with it too, of course. I just want him to feel appreciated for all of the nice things he's done for me. Guys are always treating girls, but sometimes it takes us girls awhile to get around to treating our guys to something nice. I did plan to do something really nice for him over winter break, but I don't think that'll happen now, unless he feels comfortable just going out somewhere as friends. I mean, I've been on two "friend date"s with my one guy friend here at school, and he has a girlfriend, and we just go out to eat and chat about life and intellectual shit. So, he and I could do the same thing, and talk about books and music and other random shit. I just don't want awkwardness between us at all. After we called it quits, we started talking about regular shit which is kinda weird considering we just ended our relationship. I told our mutual friend that we broke up, and this friend said that instead of us being the "relationship of a generation" that we could now be the "friendship of a generation". Maybe we can.

I'm just hoping for the best from here on out.

These Feelings...They Can't Be Right...

I'm not okay. Nope. Not okay. I need to stop pretending and putting on that big, fake smile in front of my friends. I was on the phone with one of my friends over an hour ago, he asked me if I was sad, and I said no. He said that he could tell that I was just from my voice. I told him that I was just tired, and that I didn't think that I was sad. It's just like last year around this time and even my freakin' English professor thought that I was depressed and she'd only known me for roughly four months. I used to be so good at hiding my feelings, but I tried to put that behind me since I have amazing people in my life who are there for me and will listen to me. I don't have to pretend anymore, but I don't know why I feel like I should now. My thoughts have been attacking me constantly for the past week, and I hate it. I can't function or be productive because I'm too consumed by my thoughts. So much to do, so little time. There are so many great people who let me know that they care every day, yet I still want, almost need, reassurance from one person, and I hate feeling this way. I'm not very dependent on others, so I don't know why I'm this way with you. I don't want to be this way.

I'm just very overwhelmed with everything. School, relationships in general, the desire for infinite freedom, the urge for "rebellion", the ultimate desire for peace.

I changed my background on my phone to "Fight Off Your Demons" to remind me not to give up, not to let my demons win because right now I'm not even putting up a good fight, and I refuse to let them win. I refuse.

Hold Up, Wait A Minute-

I wrote a post a few days ago about watching myself and not changing for another person. After thinking about it more, and reevaluating the situation, and even talking with other friends, I don't think I really did anything wrong last Thursday night. My behavior may have slightly changed, but not enough to make it seem like I was changing for my boyfriend. Also, I think that my friends just aren't used to him yet, and therefore took his comments/actions too seriously. I was talking to a friend who knew him before me, and this friend said that it took them awhile to get used to him because he kinda has a dry sense of humor at times lol. He can be slightly shy and awkward at times, but I'm the same way too. He's not intentionally trying to be a jerk or an asshole. It's just his personality, ya know. He's really nice. I feel like he's kinda the embodiment of my inner sarcastic side that rarely comes out of me. I don't speak up a lot, so I keep plenty of comments to myself.

I shouldn't have been so quick to beat down on myself for "changing" when really I didn't. I was still my same ol' ridiculous self that day. I calmed down a lot during the show because I wanted to pay attention to the music and not pass out from a lack of food. I got tired. I probably shouldn't have wrote that post and got myself into overthinking anyway because I've been so tired since that Thursday that I haven't been able to think straight at all this past week. I've been having difficulties coming up with words and sentences because I've been so out of it. I shall be sleeping for quite awhile the next few days, so then I can function a lot better in the coming weeks for finals and all.

Yeah. I'm glad I thought this all over again. I shouldn't feel guilty for anything.

Girl, You Better Check Yourself

I got caught up. I went blind. I lost myself for a moment.

Thursday, I was full of so much excitement for multiple reasons- I was basically going on a mini roadtrip with my friends to head up to the city for a concert, I didn't even tell my parents about the concert so I felt rebellious, and my boyfriend came with us. Well, the only reason we were going to this show was because of my boyfriend inviting me about a month ago before we were even dating. Anyway, it was a brand new experience for me going on a trip like this and all. After leaving school, we made the roughly 2.5 hour drive to pick up my bf and then make the 45 minute drive to the concert venue from his house. When it was just us girls in the car on the way there, it was all fine and dandy and crazy dancing, but once we picked him up, the atmosphere changed...

I moved from the front passenger seat to the backseat to sit next to the bf which was expected, but my friend who was riding in the back is not as good of a navigator as me, and  this is where things got iffy. My driver friend only really picked up my bf because she thought that he knew how to get to the venue, but he had never been there before, so the most he could do was look up the map on his iphone and all. We got turned around a few times because we kept missing our exit to get on the one highway to take us to the city. We wasted between 15-30 minutes because of that. I equally blamed him and my friend who was now in the passenger seat, but I was joking. It was my fault for not watching the road as closely anymore as well just because my bf was now in the car. He blamed my friend for us getting turned around so much and criticized the driving of my other friend, even though he didn't really know them well enough to say those things without it sounding mean and all. We got caught in traffic as soon as we hit the north side of the city on the highway/expressway, so we were running pretty late. The show started at 8 with the main band we came to see going on last. We girls were hungry and originally planned to grab food before we went into the show. I looked up restaurants near the venue, but I didn't write down exact addresses stupidly. We walked towards the venue and got in line, but were still trying to figure out what we wanted to do about food. I was indifferent about grabbing food, and my bf wasn't hungry of course since he'd eaten less than an hour before we picked him up. We walked into the venue and got checked off the "guest list" aka will call, but then there was no re-entry. The venue has a restaurant, so my friends waited back in that area to see if they could get food while the bf and I went into the concert area. My friends met up with us pretty quickly to say that they couldn't eat in the restaurant area because they weren't 21, but the people could bring the food into the concert area for them, which would be weird because there was no seating or tables in that area. So my friends decided that we would wait until after the show. I felt bad because I know that we planned to get food before, and it was kind of my fault. And when my friends said this, my bf said, "Well, you should've spoke up", which was really rude actually. I think that was strike two for him for my friends...

During the show and all, he didn't really talk to my friends. He mainly had his back to them when were all talking and such. Sometimes he would kind of pull me towards him, as one of my friends brought to my attention. It made them feel uncomfortable and kind of unwanted, like they were a third and fourth wheel, or as my friend said, "It was like we were on an entirely different bike". When one of his friends came right before the main band, he introduced him to me, but didn't introduce my friends. During the show, he would put his arms around me, ya know in that whole standing behind me way like you see couples in the movies and all. I never turned around to look at him or anything because I was too absorbed into the music, especially when the main band we came to see performed.

After the show, we went to this nice 24/7 restaurant/kinda-diner about a 5-minute drive away. Things were better then. My friends told me later on that they don't know if he talked to them more because it was a forced environment (sitting at the table together) or not, but he was a lot nicer and all. And he was good on the ride home. Actually, he was pretty quiet on the ride home, as we all were a bit tired. We held hands pretty much the entire ride home, so I thought it was cute. He gave me a good night kiss when I walked with him to his door and all, he didn't make my friends pay him back for the concert tickets (he bought all of ours together on his card, and we were going to pay him back in cash), and he said that he plans to come down and visit me in about two weeks, which made me happy. The ride back to school was pretty smooth because it was so late and hardly any cars were on the road. When I crawled into my bed that night/early-morning, I felt good.

I felt infinite. I said that it was one of the best nights of my life because so many new things happened in one night that made me feel good. I thought we were all infinite that night.

But after my friends opened up to me today (Sunday- I realize that it is now past 2 on Monday morning...), I had to reevaluate my Thursday night adventure. I still will say that I felt infinite that night and the rest of this weekend since I was still reeling from all of the awesomeness. But my friends told me that I changed when my bf got in the car, I was acting differently and joked along with him and didn't really call him out on criticizing them. They tried to defend themselves, but he just acted as if he didn't care and still went along with what he was doing. I made my friends feel uncomfortable for about the first 3 hours with him (aka up until we got food after the show). I feel bad about this now.

When did I lose myself? When did I change? Did I get too caught up in the idea/feelings of rebellion? Was I too excited to see my boyfriend again since we basically have a long-distance relationship and I last saw him 2-3 weeks prior? How did I let myself slip and be so easily swayed without him even directly guiding me his direction?

I'm so happy my friends set me straight because I was surely blind to my actions and the extent of his. Friends always come first, and I put my new boyfriend before my friends who I've known much much longer and who know me so much better than he.

I don't want to lose myself like that again, possibly causing my friends to not have as nice of a time out. The next time he comes to visit, I'm going to talk to him about his behavior on Thursday and see if we can work something out. Was he just in a certain mood that night? Or is that how he is all of the time? Because that could make for big differences in our relationship. It's a lot to think of, but it's not the end of the world. He's only my first boyfriend, and he most likely won't be my last before marriage, but who knows what will happen in life. I didn't completely lose myself that night, but I definitely was not completely myself. I allowed myself to change in ways unknowingly to possibly be more appealing to my bf or just to be a "follower" behind him.

I'm starting to have issues forming words and coherent thoughts since it's so late and I'm lacking some serious sleep, so I'll wrap this up now...

My behavior that night was very uncharacteristic of me, and I'm not happy with myself for acting that way. That wasn't me, and my friends saw it well before I did. I am super thankful to have friends like them in my life who will actually call me out on my actions instead of just letting me feel all giddy about my being with my bf since they know that this is new to me. They're helping me though.

From now on, I'm keeping myself in check so my friends won't have to pick up an extra responsibility. I refuse to let myself change for a guy or to let myself go. I am not a fan. Not a fan. Time to stand strong and pay attention to what I'm doing more carefully.

The Right Choice

I'm thinking that I definitely made the right decision in being with my boyfriend. I think that some people were trying to guilt trip me because of my involvement with the other guy, but since I still can't really get this other guy to talk to me about this whole situation, I feel even stronger and more certain in my decision. I am not easily swayed by others, and I definitely wasn't going to feel horrible for not "waiting" for this other guy. I was supposed to go to his apartment last night to talk, but then he said that he couldn't borrow his friend's car to pick me up because they had places to go, so he was going to call me at 8 (the time we were supposed to meet). Then he got caught up with his friends again, so I told him to just call when he was free. He said that he would call around 9:25-ish- no call. I sent him a text 10 minutes later saying that he could call just in case he didn't get my previous text saying that it was fine for him to call me then. He never called last night. His friend started texting me around 10:30 last night, and I didn't give him my number but whatever. This guy is a talker. He ends up calling me instead of trying to get info from me via text. I was telling him that really it's not his business and that his friend just needs to talk to me. He kind of told me about stuff going on with his friend and all, and it helped me understand more that it's probably a good thing that I didn't pursue a relationship with him. If he's going through shit right now, then he shouldn't be in a relationship and he shouldn't be messing around with people either. He might have bad people skills and may be bad at expressing his emotions and all, but that's what I'm here for. I would give him all of the time to stumble over his words and all just to get out his thoughts and feelings- I'm a very patient person. I'm not gonna judge him for anything he's done in the past or is currently going through. I'm the vice president of a freakin group that tries to promote open-mindedness and non-judgmental attitudes because you never know what someone has been through, you don't know their story.    So I wish that he would just stop blowing me off or making me feel like we'll actually get to talk because he wants to talk in person too and then just get caught up in whatever other stuff.

I appreciate his friend having his back and trying to get info out of me, but I need to just talk to him. His friend thinks that he is this expert at psychology because he took a class or two and really enjoyed them, and he especially loves talking about relationship stuff, but I don't think he's an expert at actually dealing with people. I'm no expert, but I've been through shit, and I understand people. I don't yell at them and get on them for small things like he does. You need to have patience to really understand people, to read them, to hear them out. I may not be "the relationship expert" that he is, but I know people, and I feel for them. I just want him to stop acting like a know-it-all and taking over the conversations and let his fuckin friend talk. He can't work on his communication skills if you're always talking, damn.

Anyway, I just want to be friends with this guy now, and I want him to know that I'll be here for him. Let's put aside what we've done in the past, though that may be slightly hard, but it's for the best. I want him to feel like he can talk to me because I feel like his one friend isn't going to cut it all of the time. He needs some positive influences in his life, and I can be a positive influence (except for in the homework category because I'm such a slacker). He just needs friends right now. I don't think he can really handle a relationship right now with so much other stuff on his plate anyway. I just want him to be alright and for us to be friends and for him to trust me. That's all.

I also wish my boyfriend were closer- the issue with long-distance relationships, but I can handle it. I'll be seeing him Thursday!! I'm so excited. Then I can be sassy with him, and he'll be all cool and cute about it and call me sassasaurus rex haha. Ew, I'm being all girly and shit. I like him, and I'll leave it at that.

Boys on the Mind

So, these are just random thoughts for right now. I'm not trying to sound like a girl that only thinks about guys and shit either. This is more than just guys of interest or whatever- this is about guys in general....

I don't fully understand guys right now. I never do those anonymous things where you talk about the person without mentioning their name so that they would have to guess if it's them if they should come across this blog. Well, I guess I'm going to do that now for the first time because there's a lot running through my mind regarding certain guys. Stream of consciousness is to follow...

A) You're slowly turning into the guy I hoped you wouldn't be. I don't know. We both crossed the line in our own ways, but it still shouldn't be this hard to get you to sit down and have a conversation. You don't want a relationship, and I get that and respect that, but I don't know if you're trying to avoid having a "talk" with me because you think that I'm going to pretty much ask you out or say that I really want a relationship with you or not. That's not what I want to tell you at all. I just want you to find the same time to talk to me that you could find before to come over and kiss me. I just want to be friends and let you know that I've moved on. Seriously. Grow up and man up. You're not going to hurt my feelings by telling me the truth.

B) So I guess we're official and all now, which is pretty cool and new to me, but I feel like we talk less now which really doesn't make sense. If we're together now, shouldn't we talk more? I'm not pushy or anything, but you used to text me for like an hour or two a few nights a week until we decided to go to sleep, but that hasn't happened recently. No good night stuff or anything. Maybe we're not so official then? Or maybe now that we're official you don't feel like you have to talk to me everyday to...I don't know, make sure that I'm still interested because you have me or something? Or if we are randomly texting in the day, you just don't reply at some point, and then I don't hear from you anymore. Am I being annoying? I don't get it at all. Maybe you're just busy, or maybe I did something this past weekend to make you mad or irritated though you didn't seem it. Who knows. Maybe I'm just overthinking as usual. This is nothing new. I'll see you next week, and maybe I can read you better then. I don't know.

C) You're probably my closest guy friend here at school, and I'm very grateful to have you as a friend. You make me worry though. Yeah, you're in a very demanding major and everything, but I'm worried that you'll stress yourself out and have some type of breakdown or whatnot. I feel like you're trying to take on too much at once. Piling up on classes to graduate in four years isn't really worth it if you'll give yourself an ulcer. I don't want to see your health decrease or see you go down a dark path because you want to overwork yourself. I'm glad that we're going to talk this weekend because I need to understand better what you're trying to do with your life and all. There's too much going on with you right now, and I know you're overwhelmed, and I feel like you're adding unnecessary stress to your life. I just want you to breathe and pace yourself.


Okay. I think I've cleared my mind the best I could. I've got chills running through my body now. Time to sleep.

The Drinking Game

Pretty much all of my friends drink, which is no problem to me. I could care less if they drink or not. I do not drink though. Alcohol is not my friend. When it comes to meeting new people, the topic of alcohol/drinking activities/parties usually comes up early on, especially on a college campus. When people find out that I don't drink, they ask why not. Instead of always giving my usual response of how I don't actually need it to have a great time, I should ask them why they drink in the first place.

Let's face it, at some point in our teen/young adult years, drinking becomes something to be curious about, something that doesn't seem as bad as it is usually portrayed in films, by our parents, etc. Sometimes, it gets hard to be the minority among a group of friends. Surprisingly, I still haven't felt a true temptation to pick up the bottle. I was in a situation once where a guy of interest asked me why I didn't drink, I gave him the usual response, then he asked, "You wouldn't even drink for me?" Now, that would be the most stupid reason for me to ever drink- for a boy. Girls, you are setting yourself up if you decide to drink just to impress a guy- you make yourself vulnerable, and he could take advantage of you. After learning more about this guy and spending a little more time with him, I realized that he definitely was not the guy for me and surely would've tried something if he and/or I were under the influence. He was kinda shady anyway. Anyway...

I just don't see the importance of drinking at my age. The more underage kids I see drinking, the less impressed I am by the alcohol life. I already don't drink, and you think seeing the way my peers act over alcohol should make me want to join in on the fun? No thank you. I'm perfectly fine sober. I can be as crazy and as loose as a drunk person. As I tell people, when I'm delirious, I am equivalent to a drunk person.

As for now, I don't drink. I'm content sober. I don't trust myself under the influence. I'm bound to do something regrettable. I love that my friends can have a great time with alcohol, and I will chill with them while they drink. I'll always be the mama/designated driver of the group, but I'm fine with that. I care too much.

Drink responsibly, kiddies.

Relationships Are Odd Business

I'm still trying to figure this whole thing out. I don't want to rush into things just because I'm pretty inexperienced. How long do people "talk" before they decide to get into an actual relationship? How many dates do you go out on, especially if you don't know the other person as well? How do you get enough courage to tell a person that you really like them, and it's not just some little crush? You know the crush- when you rarely talk to the person, and you find them quite attractive, but you hardly know anything about them or they barely know you exist. I can safely say that I've moved on from those types of crushes. Actually, I wouldn't even call what feelings I have for most guys "crushes" anymore. I have genuine feelings, ya know. I don't want to obsess over a relationship, and I hope that whatever guy ends up being my first boyfriend or fifth boyfriend or husband realizes that. I'm not trying to say that the relationship isn't important to me, but I want he and I to be able to lead our separate lives as well. I don't want to spend every waking moment with my guy or have to tell him where I am 24/7 or anything like that. I don't want to get tired of him or feel like he's being the jealous type because I went out with my friends and didn't invite him. As I've been told, I'm a pretty chill girl. I'd like to stick to that too because that's just how I am.

So, while I'm stuck in this position where there may be two guys who have feelings for me, I must make decisions. One guy has already openly admitted that he definitely likes me and feels a connection; the other guy seems like a mystery, so I cannot confirm that actually likes me and just doesn't want to be friends. I'm happy with being friends with both of these guys, but I don't want it to be awkward between the first guy and I because he admitted to liking me. It takes a ton of courage to do what he did, and I admire him for that, plus I like him too. At this point, we could just jump right into a relationship, but I don't want to rush into things and have things go badly because we didn't wait longer to make sure our feelings were true and not just illusions for the moment. I want things to work, but I don't want to get my hopes up when disappointment could be right around the corner.

As my title states, relationships are odd business indeed.

Music of Life's Past: Part 1 (copied from my other blog)

Recently, I’ve been listening to a lot of “older” music, except for Foster the People and some others. When I say older, I mean to say music that is either older than me, makes me feel old/young, or from artists that have been a part of my life for quite some time. I’ve been thinking how I’ve grown with some of these musicians or how I might have slightly lost some interest in them or they were pushed to the side because some newer artist caught my eye (forgive me for somewhat kicking you to the curb).

Just yesterday, Refused’s fb page posted a status asking everyone what their favorite song was. I didn’t think about it too long, but I feel that “Rather Be Dead” is probably my favorite Refused song. “New Noise” is how I got into them and is probably their most mainstream song that can be heard in movies and video games and all, but “Rather Be Dead” moves me differently and has a stronger meaning/message behind it.

For the past two nights, I’ve been listening to Incubus’ Light Grenades to help me go to sleep (don’t judge my choices of music to fall asleep to). While flipping through the album booklet, I realized that it came out in 2006- five years ago. Five years?! And they just released their latest album last week, I believe. I was in the 8th grade when Light Grenades came out, and now I’m about to be a sophomore in college. I can’t say what my truly favorite Incubus song is, but for now I’ll say “Dig”. I’d have that song on repeat for so long, I’m surprised that I didn’t somehow wear out the cd. First song that I head from these guys? Most likely “Drive”. I played that song a lot too. I remember watching the music video often as well and always staring at Brandon Boyd’s red tattoo (that I now know is of a koi fish, thanks to the internet when I was 12) because I was seriously mesmorized by its design. Another fun fact about Incubus is that I use to always confuse them with Hoobastank when I was younger; I’m guessing that I thought the lead singers looked similar and they had a similar sound. Once I finally got my glasses in 7th grade, that confusion ended because obviously Brandon Boyd is a more beautiful being. Anyway…

The other day, I was listening to Pet Shop Boys. I went from only knowing “West End Girls” as a child to owning their Discography: The Complete Singles Collection album. Now, I can’t really call myself a true, hardcore fan because I don’t own all of their albums or anything, but when I do hear one of their songs, I get pretty excited. Favorite song? “Being Boring” for sure. It’s a feel good song and makes me want to have a snazzy party with all of my friends (see the video and understand). Unless my dad is hiding any other albums of theirs besides the “West End Girls” single, this is all I own in the world of Pet Shop Boys. Hearing their music makes me wonder why I wasn’t born in the ’80s…

Lucy Pearl. ”Who is that?” you may ask. Well, they were a short-lived R&B ”supergroup”, composed of Raphael Saadiq (Tony! Toni! Toné!), Dawn Robinson (En Vogue), and Ali Shaheed Muhammad (A Tribe Called Quest). Their most popular song is “Dance Tonight”, which most people remember being played in the film Love & Basketball. They only had one album, so you can only judge them from that, but their self-titled album is one of my favorites. I seriously wish that they would’ve put out at least one more album. They had good chemistry, in my opinion. My favorite song out of their 15? “Remember The Times”. It reminds me of my youth, not necessarily saying that everything in that song is exactly reminescent of my childhood. It does make me think of going to my grandma’s house too. Why didn’t they put out another album?! There was so much quality on that one album. They even were nominated for a Grammy for their most popular song. Thank God Raphael Saadiq still makes music so I can just listen to his voice forever, not that the others don’t make music still. Raphael just has a wonderful voice period, so he could sing in any group or be solo (as he is currently) and still be fine with me. I just really like Raphael Saadiq. Anyway…

I think I’ll end this right here for now and make a part two later, for anyone who cares anyway.

Stuck in the Middle (I should really be sleeping)

I've been feeling a bit stuck lately. I'm at that age where I'm technically an adult, but I'm still living under my parents roof when I come home from college, making it even harder to live an "adult life" and make "adult decisions". I'm in no rush to grow up, believe me. I just don't like this whole...tease of adult life, shall we say.

For example, the gay pride parade is this Sunday, but my mother will not grant me permission to go. Now, if I didn't have to ask my parents for a ride to the train station (though I'm sure a friend could swing by and pick me up on the way to the train station) or had to tell them of my exact whereabouts, I could easily hop on the train with my friends and have a ball. First thing is the simple fact that my parents are homophobes, unfortunately. My dad is even more homophobic than my mom with his comments and all, which is why I did not even think about asking him about Sunday- I dread the lecture that surely would have followed. My mom is slightly more accepting than my father, but she still doesn't approve of homosexuals. I keep having these little rebellious urges to just ask a friend to swing by my house and just leave Sunday morning. Sometimes, you just want to go out and do things and forget about the consequences that may follow (I guess that's how people feel when they just want to go out and drink all night, right?). What would be at stake, though? My parents trust in myself? My freedom? Honestly, I have my freedom. I do. I have this bittersweet thing that we've all been given called free will. I could be that teen (should I even call myself a teen? I'm a year away from having lived an entire score) who does whatever she wants in the world just because I can. I just don't know. There's just this inner conflict within myself to just runaway and start my life off on my own finally. I'll probably struggle at first to survive, but life isn't easy anyway.

Sometimes, I just need a break, a vacation from everyone. Currently, this is pretty impossible. It's not that my parents don't trust me. It's the rest of the world that they don't trust. They're afraid of me getting hurt, which I totally get, but they can't protect me and follow me and stop me from exploring the world forever.

By the grace of God, I'll make it in this world, and I'm not going to let negativity stop me.