These Feelings...They Can't Be Right...

I'm not okay. Nope. Not okay. I need to stop pretending and putting on that big, fake smile in front of my friends. I was on the phone with one of my friends over an hour ago, he asked me if I was sad, and I said no. He said that he could tell that I was just from my voice. I told him that I was just tired, and that I didn't think that I was sad. It's just like last year around this time and even my freakin' English professor thought that I was depressed and she'd only known me for roughly four months. I used to be so good at hiding my feelings, but I tried to put that behind me since I have amazing people in my life who are there for me and will listen to me. I don't have to pretend anymore, but I don't know why I feel like I should now. My thoughts have been attacking me constantly for the past week, and I hate it. I can't function or be productive because I'm too consumed by my thoughts. So much to do, so little time. There are so many great people who let me know that they care every day, yet I still want, almost need, reassurance from one person, and I hate feeling this way. I'm not very dependent on others, so I don't know why I'm this way with you. I don't want to be this way.

I'm just very overwhelmed with everything. School, relationships in general, the desire for infinite freedom, the urge for "rebellion", the ultimate desire for peace.

I changed my background on my phone to "Fight Off Your Demons" to remind me not to give up, not to let my demons win because right now I'm not even putting up a good fight, and I refuse to let them win. I refuse.

Boys on the Mind

So, these are just random thoughts for right now. I'm not trying to sound like a girl that only thinks about guys and shit either. This is more than just guys of interest or whatever- this is about guys in general....

I don't fully understand guys right now. I never do those anonymous things where you talk about the person without mentioning their name so that they would have to guess if it's them if they should come across this blog. Well, I guess I'm going to do that now for the first time because there's a lot running through my mind regarding certain guys. Stream of consciousness is to follow...

A) You're slowly turning into the guy I hoped you wouldn't be. I don't know. We both crossed the line in our own ways, but it still shouldn't be this hard to get you to sit down and have a conversation. You don't want a relationship, and I get that and respect that, but I don't know if you're trying to avoid having a "talk" with me because you think that I'm going to pretty much ask you out or say that I really want a relationship with you or not. That's not what I want to tell you at all. I just want you to find the same time to talk to me that you could find before to come over and kiss me. I just want to be friends and let you know that I've moved on. Seriously. Grow up and man up. You're not going to hurt my feelings by telling me the truth.

B) So I guess we're official and all now, which is pretty cool and new to me, but I feel like we talk less now which really doesn't make sense. If we're together now, shouldn't we talk more? I'm not pushy or anything, but you used to text me for like an hour or two a few nights a week until we decided to go to sleep, but that hasn't happened recently. No good night stuff or anything. Maybe we're not so official then? Or maybe now that we're official you don't feel like you have to talk to me everyday to...I don't know, make sure that I'm still interested because you have me or something? Or if we are randomly texting in the day, you just don't reply at some point, and then I don't hear from you anymore. Am I being annoying? I don't get it at all. Maybe you're just busy, or maybe I did something this past weekend to make you mad or irritated though you didn't seem it. Who knows. Maybe I'm just overthinking as usual. This is nothing new. I'll see you next week, and maybe I can read you better then. I don't know.

C) You're probably my closest guy friend here at school, and I'm very grateful to have you as a friend. You make me worry though. Yeah, you're in a very demanding major and everything, but I'm worried that you'll stress yourself out and have some type of breakdown or whatnot. I feel like you're trying to take on too much at once. Piling up on classes to graduate in four years isn't really worth it if you'll give yourself an ulcer. I don't want to see your health decrease or see you go down a dark path because you want to overwork yourself. I'm glad that we're going to talk this weekend because I need to understand better what you're trying to do with your life and all. There's too much going on with you right now, and I know you're overwhelmed, and I feel like you're adding unnecessary stress to your life. I just want you to breathe and pace yourself.


Okay. I think I've cleared my mind the best I could. I've got chills running through my body now. Time to sleep.

The Drinking Game

Pretty much all of my friends drink, which is no problem to me. I could care less if they drink or not. I do not drink though. Alcohol is not my friend. When it comes to meeting new people, the topic of alcohol/drinking activities/parties usually comes up early on, especially on a college campus. When people find out that I don't drink, they ask why not. Instead of always giving my usual response of how I don't actually need it to have a great time, I should ask them why they drink in the first place.

Let's face it, at some point in our teen/young adult years, drinking becomes something to be curious about, something that doesn't seem as bad as it is usually portrayed in films, by our parents, etc. Sometimes, it gets hard to be the minority among a group of friends. Surprisingly, I still haven't felt a true temptation to pick up the bottle. I was in a situation once where a guy of interest asked me why I didn't drink, I gave him the usual response, then he asked, "You wouldn't even drink for me?" Now, that would be the most stupid reason for me to ever drink- for a boy. Girls, you are setting yourself up if you decide to drink just to impress a guy- you make yourself vulnerable, and he could take advantage of you. After learning more about this guy and spending a little more time with him, I realized that he definitely was not the guy for me and surely would've tried something if he and/or I were under the influence. He was kinda shady anyway. Anyway...

I just don't see the importance of drinking at my age. The more underage kids I see drinking, the less impressed I am by the alcohol life. I already don't drink, and you think seeing the way my peers act over alcohol should make me want to join in on the fun? No thank you. I'm perfectly fine sober. I can be as crazy and as loose as a drunk person. As I tell people, when I'm delirious, I am equivalent to a drunk person.

As for now, I don't drink. I'm content sober. I don't trust myself under the influence. I'm bound to do something regrettable. I love that my friends can have a great time with alcohol, and I will chill with them while they drink. I'll always be the mama/designated driver of the group, but I'm fine with that. I care too much.

Drink responsibly, kiddies.

Stuck in the Middle (I should really be sleeping)

I've been feeling a bit stuck lately. I'm at that age where I'm technically an adult, but I'm still living under my parents roof when I come home from college, making it even harder to live an "adult life" and make "adult decisions". I'm in no rush to grow up, believe me. I just don't like this whole...tease of adult life, shall we say.

For example, the gay pride parade is this Sunday, but my mother will not grant me permission to go. Now, if I didn't have to ask my parents for a ride to the train station (though I'm sure a friend could swing by and pick me up on the way to the train station) or had to tell them of my exact whereabouts, I could easily hop on the train with my friends and have a ball. First thing is the simple fact that my parents are homophobes, unfortunately. My dad is even more homophobic than my mom with his comments and all, which is why I did not even think about asking him about Sunday- I dread the lecture that surely would have followed. My mom is slightly more accepting than my father, but she still doesn't approve of homosexuals. I keep having these little rebellious urges to just ask a friend to swing by my house and just leave Sunday morning. Sometimes, you just want to go out and do things and forget about the consequences that may follow (I guess that's how people feel when they just want to go out and drink all night, right?). What would be at stake, though? My parents trust in myself? My freedom? Honestly, I have my freedom. I do. I have this bittersweet thing that we've all been given called free will. I could be that teen (should I even call myself a teen? I'm a year away from having lived an entire score) who does whatever she wants in the world just because I can. I just don't know. There's just this inner conflict within myself to just runaway and start my life off on my own finally. I'll probably struggle at first to survive, but life isn't easy anyway.

Sometimes, I just need a break, a vacation from everyone. Currently, this is pretty impossible. It's not that my parents don't trust me. It's the rest of the world that they don't trust. They're afraid of me getting hurt, which I totally get, but they can't protect me and follow me and stop me from exploring the world forever.

By the grace of God, I'll make it in this world, and I'm not going to let negativity stop me.