"All the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands" by Sufjan Stevens
If you don't know how much I love Sufjan Stevens, now you know. Sometimes, I feel as if I could listen to his music forever, seriously.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Damaged and Unbreakable
One of my favorite spoken word artists/writers/Chicagoans/awesome person in general, Chris Gutierrez, wrote a blog post today that kind of accurately describes my feelings from last night (I was in such a weird mood yesterday). You can read that post here. (EDIT: This is from a few weeks ago now.)
I was in such an odd mood that Friday two weeks ago. I can barely describe it. I was feeling pretty good earlier in the day, but by the afternoon, I was just..off. I finally saw Bridesmaids that night with one of my friends, and it wasn't a bad movie, but it definitely wasn't as funny as I thought it was going to be. Some parts of the movie were so relevant to the past year of my life that I didn't know how to handle it afterwards. I came back to my room and was overwhelmed by my thoughts. I even cried a little because I felt shitty, I felt damaged, I felt all of the things I felt from the past year in one night.
I talked to one of my close friends the next day about it, and he said that I wasn't damaged. As a friend, that's easy to say. Being honest though, I am. I made some pretty big mistakes last year, things that left me hurt in the end. Poor decisions. My clouded judgment got the best of me, and it sucks. It really does. I'm not going to go into detail of what I've done because they aren't things that I think should be broadcast to the whole world. Most of my friends don't even know what I've done. I'm not proud. Sometimes I fear that my past will come back and fuck me over. Sometimes, I think that I'll never find a truly decent guy who will be able to look past these things. I think, what if I meet a guy who is too perfect, too clean? Will I be intimidated by his perfection? He could be into me in the beginning...until he finds out more about me, then he might walk away. Really, I just overthink these things, but I truly feel just a bit damaged. I could be a lot more messed up, I really could, so I'm thankful to still be mostly okay. This is why I'm so substance-free, for the most part. I've tried hookah before, but that was once a few weeks ago, and I don't foresee doing that often. None of my friends understand why I won't just drink a little or smoke a little, but I don't want to start now. I don't want to make myself sound super unstable or anything, but I'm not strong enough to handle substances currently. I'll become dependent, there's no doubt. I've seriously considered picking up smoking to de-stress, but I know how unhealthy that would be for my already sucky health. I don't mess with alcohol because the only time I'm ever interested in drinking is when I'm feeling low and want to numb my feelings and not deal with my problems. I never think about alcohol when I want to have fun. I have fun completely sober, I have a ton of fun. I don't want to become dependent on these substances because I know I will, just to have something alter my mood temporarily. I need to stay clean right now.
Though damaged, I am unbreakable. You can beat me, you can try to tear me down, but you can't break me. I'm damaged, but I'm not completely broken. There's always a nice amount of hope left within me, helping to mend some of the cracks. I have to forgive myself for my mistakes, move forward, actually learn from these experiences. It's not the end of the world. I'm not a "horrible" person. I'm going to make it, damaged but unbreakable.
I was in such an odd mood that Friday two weeks ago. I can barely describe it. I was feeling pretty good earlier in the day, but by the afternoon, I was just..off. I finally saw Bridesmaids that night with one of my friends, and it wasn't a bad movie, but it definitely wasn't as funny as I thought it was going to be. Some parts of the movie were so relevant to the past year of my life that I didn't know how to handle it afterwards. I came back to my room and was overwhelmed by my thoughts. I even cried a little because I felt shitty, I felt damaged, I felt all of the things I felt from the past year in one night.
I talked to one of my close friends the next day about it, and he said that I wasn't damaged. As a friend, that's easy to say. Being honest though, I am. I made some pretty big mistakes last year, things that left me hurt in the end. Poor decisions. My clouded judgment got the best of me, and it sucks. It really does. I'm not going to go into detail of what I've done because they aren't things that I think should be broadcast to the whole world. Most of my friends don't even know what I've done. I'm not proud. Sometimes I fear that my past will come back and fuck me over. Sometimes, I think that I'll never find a truly decent guy who will be able to look past these things. I think, what if I meet a guy who is too perfect, too clean? Will I be intimidated by his perfection? He could be into me in the beginning...until he finds out more about me, then he might walk away. Really, I just overthink these things, but I truly feel just a bit damaged. I could be a lot more messed up, I really could, so I'm thankful to still be mostly okay. This is why I'm so substance-free, for the most part. I've tried hookah before, but that was once a few weeks ago, and I don't foresee doing that often. None of my friends understand why I won't just drink a little or smoke a little, but I don't want to start now. I don't want to make myself sound super unstable or anything, but I'm not strong enough to handle substances currently. I'll become dependent, there's no doubt. I've seriously considered picking up smoking to de-stress, but I know how unhealthy that would be for my already sucky health. I don't mess with alcohol because the only time I'm ever interested in drinking is when I'm feeling low and want to numb my feelings and not deal with my problems. I never think about alcohol when I want to have fun. I have fun completely sober, I have a ton of fun. I don't want to become dependent on these substances because I know I will, just to have something alter my mood temporarily. I need to stay clean right now.
Though damaged, I am unbreakable. You can beat me, you can try to tear me down, but you can't break me. I'm damaged, but I'm not completely broken. There's always a nice amount of hope left within me, helping to mend some of the cracks. I have to forgive myself for my mistakes, move forward, actually learn from these experiences. It's not the end of the world. I'm not a "horrible" person. I'm going to make it, damaged but unbreakable.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)