I know it would've been the smart or cool thing to write about my thoughts on 2011 while it was still 2011, but family came over on the 30th and left yesterday, and I couldn't be so rude as to write a blog post in their presence. Anyway...
2011
What can I say? You weren't the worst year I've had (that might go to 2010, which was more of a super bittersweet year with a few highs and many lows), but you probably weren't the best. A lot happened this year.
A lot. I wanted new experiences and changes in my life, and boy did I get them. I had my first kiss, pulled my first true all-nighter, had my first boyfriend, went on dates, went to the city (aka Chicago) on a school night for a concert and returned the same night, made new friends, grew even closer to close friends, grew distant from people because we all change, I made mistakes, got hurt, relapsed twice, grew an even stronger dislike for a family member, actually saw weed up close (yes, I had never actually
seen marijuana up close until May/June), went to Lollapalooza, read some good books, went to a house show, had two legitimate regrets or so, ate many jumbo marshmallows, volunteered at a great hospital in my favorite city, cuddled, kissed, got a freakin hickey (still only that one to date, not really hoping for more...), truly realized that an older age doesn't always mean more experienced and wise, got out more, had great conversations, got a tattoo, contemplated really making my parents angry by being a rebel (I didn't, but I was close...), was surrounded by alcohol often yet didn't drink, broke shit, lost shit, cried over the death of my external hard drive (music, pictures, old writings, everything), lost my grandfather who I almost forgot was still living (yes, that's sad, but we were never close, and my dad's side of the family is just so distant from each other. I wish I would've known him better), got so angry at myself I didn't know what to do, cried for various reasons, visited Mike's grave with Jon and truly felt his presence, ate a lot, saw so much positivity and optimism in some people that it helped me fight even more to stay strong and positive, felt pain, realized how much my family truly is struggling financially, accepted the fact that my aunt is never going to walk again, hugged a lot of people, tried to keep a smile on my face as often as possible, stressed myself out, almost seriously blacked out, discovered new music, watched new films, barely slept, and I did other random things, but most importantly, I
loved.
I loved everyone, and I still do. Sometimes, people angered me or hurt me, and I needed time to cool off and just breathe. I don't hate anyone, but I do dislike very few people, very few. Three guys hurt me to certain extents in their own ways. Two of them I'm not mad at because it wasn't intentional, they're just as fucked up as me, and they're still in my life as friends. But the other one...while I hold no hard feelings for him anymore, he knew what he was doing. He used me, he tried to guilt trip me, he took advantage of my vulnerable state, he cared more about himself and thinking about a future as a rich person with a fancy car than another human being. While I wish him the best in life, I will not stick around to see how everything goes; he is not positive to my life, so he cannot stay. Regardless, I love everyone.
So, 2011, thank you for giving me a year full of many new experiences, for giving me a time of growth, for helping me become stronger. I am officially ready for battle.
I have no resolutions for 2012 besides striving for a positive year. Making resolutions never seems to work for me (or many people...), so I'm just going to prepare myself for whatever may come my way while still keeping my eyes on the future.
2012, bring it on.
