Video for a Day: "Doo Wah" by Kids These Days

"Doo Wah" by Kids These Days

This group is one of my favorites to come out of Chicago. I'm so happy that they're getting more exposure and touring across the country. I think I'm also really proud of them because of the fact that we're the same age, and I always have a soft spot for people my age doing big things. Also, director Austin Vesely is one to keep an eye on. He's going to be making videos for all of your favorite musicians one day. I honestly believe they're going to grow even more successful here on out.

Kids These Days' debut album Traphouse Rock is available to download (for freeeee) from their website kidsthesedaysband.com. 

And It's Like Nothing Has Changed

Random conversations with someone you haven't spoken to in awhile are always nice. I love having friends that I can always meet up with after not speaking with them for literally months and strike up a conversation about anything and catch up with our lives or talk about our goals. Also, having the support of these friends is really great because it shows that truly no matter the distance or how long it's been that you can still come together and chill together like the old days. I just love this so much, and I don't want friendships like this to end. If anything, I would love for them to grow stronger so that so much time doesn't elapse between our communications any longer.

I just really love people.

Video for a Day: "Beg" by Bombay Bicycle Club

"Beg" by Bombay Bicycle Club

I'm bringing this back for a minute.

Video for a Day: "Try" by Pink

"Try" by Pink

Wow oh wow. This new Pink video and the song are awesome. Beautifully done; I feel the love and pain. So good.

National Suicide Prevention Week and a Reflection

This week, 9/9-9/15, is National Suicide Prevention Week. What exactly is this week about? It's about raising awareness, getting informed, and helping others. We need to join together and fight the stigmas that exist in the mental health community and encourage one another to lend a helping hand however we can. (See resources at the end of this post)

Two communities where I've personally sensed hesitation and stigma are the Christian and African-American communities. Not all Christians hold a stigma, but on campus, I've sensed hesitation from some of my fellow Christian friends when telling them about my involvement in TWLOHA and that they should stop by a meeting. Some of them have just kinda remained silent as I told them what it's about or respond with "oh" or something similar. It's frustrating because as Christians, we want to help others, right? Isn't it our duty to help others? And by "help" I do NOT mean convert people. I think that this stigma might stem from the view of suicide as a sin, therefore leaving some Christians unsure of how to feel or react to such news- some may feel sympathy, others may feel nothing because the person sinned. I want to see that change.

Also, suicide and depression are stigmas among the African-American community. For example, I noticed at the activity fair this year that the few black students who stopped at the TWLOHA table either knew one of the members at the table, was a current member (not many...), or stopped because they saw me there aka a fellow black child at a predominantly white institution. Once I informed them on what our group was about, I could see them lose interest in the group while still keeping on a smile and being friendly when they leave. I even had a friend years ago who said something on the lines of "they committed suicide? They needed help because they were obviously messed up in the mind." It was the same sound of disgust or disapproval of a pervert/molester pretty much. It wasn't that empathetic statement of a person needing to seek out help; it was the same stigmatizing statement that causes so many people not to reach out for help. Who can you turn to who won't make you feel like a "mental case" and just help you? It's really difficult to break these stigmas, but I'm trying.

This week has also brought me back to reflecting on some things. As some may know (if anyone who personally knows me even reads this blog...), I lost an acquaintance, a friend at the beginning of the last semester of my senior year of high school. Though it's been over two years now, I'm still not completely "over" his death. Pretty much my last month at home this summer, I thought about him every single day. It was weird because even though I always think about him from time to time, there was just this overpowering feeling in me that I couldn't and still can't explain. I planned to visit his grave before heading back to school, but procrastination and running out of time prevented me from making my visit. I'm still frustrated with my self for not going. Regardless, I always wonder what he'd be up to now if he were still here. It's nice looking back at old pictures on Facebook at Free Hug Days and seeing his smile. I still smile about the fact that I'm in his profile picture from one of our last free hug days with him. Mike, I just really miss you.

With all of that being said, never hesitate to reach out to someone. I'd rather someone reach out to me when I'm alright than not reach out at all when I may truly need someone. You never know what someone is going through, and you never know if they're silently screaming for help. Spread the love <3


For more info, check out these resources:
http://www.suicidology.org/about-aas/nspw
http://www.afsp.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewPage&page_ID=25FA2BE6-D681-4A19-43497FA63C212876
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
http://www.twloha.com/

Give the "Christian" Bands a Chance

About a week ago, I went to see the band Anberlin with two close friends of mine. Did I really want to see Anberlin? Not really, but we were having a girl's night, so I figured I would just go along with what my two friends wanted to do...which was see Anberlin for free (aka for a suggested $10 donation). I don't have anything against Anberlin. I was once an actual fan of them, but that was when I was 13. It seems that my two friends are now getting into a lot of bands I listened to when I was in 7th and 8th grade, so it's like music nostalgia for me when I'm with them. The way they get excited over these bands is entertaining sometimes, mainly because I just don't get that excited anymore...

Anyway, so one of my friends opened up about her recent dissatisfaction with Christianity and how she's distancing herself from it. So I guess she's agnostic now, on a journey to find where she belongs faith-wise. After seeing Anberlin and looking up more info about them, she read that they were a Christian band. She then said how she's not a fan of Christian bands (or really Christian music in general) because it's all praise and worship-y and preachy and pointless (another sign that she's clearly not digging Christianity much at all lol). Luckily for Anberlin, she thought that they were good. My friend isn't the only one to hold this opinion about "Christian" bands, dismissing them before really even listening to them. The thing is, Anberlin doesn't actually label themselves as a "Christian band" (you can thank the press and critics for that), even though all of the members are Christian.

So how can people separate a band full of Christian members from a band that actually labels itself "Christian"? Give them a chance, listen to the lyrics, see whether or not the band labels itself that way, etc.

There are many bands out there full of Christian members that don't label themselves as a Christian band, but don't think they won't talk about faith in at least a few of their songs. These bands approach songs about faith differently than a band truly labeled as Christian- this is usually obvious when the subject matter is questioning faith and whatnot vs directly praising God. You will also notice that many of these bands try to distance themselves from the Christian label. I'll give some examples of bands:

bands with Christian members (who have been mislabeled as "Christian" bands):
Anberlin
Oceana
Thrice
Acceptance
Chevelle
mewithoutYou
The Devil Wears Prada
Switchfoot

Christian bands:
Underoath
Leeland
Showbread
The Almost
Building 429
Children 18:3
P.O.D
Family Force 5
Demon Hunter

Some of the bands I listed on the latter list don't necessarily "preach" in their music, therefore allowing them to be open to a wider audience. Most of these bands aren't trying to preach in their music, regardless of their label, but their faith does play an important role in how they write the great music they make.

My friend's feelings about Christian bands is a common misconception held my many people, but she will eventually learn how to truly spot the difference in Christian bands. I mean, my ex is a freakin' atheist, and he's the one who introduced me to Oceana and bonded with me over listening to Underoath back in the day. He also introduced me to Listener, and those guys are Christians too. So...

In a way, it feels like my friend is currently going through the short phase I had at 12 years of age- my discovery of music other than Top 40 hits and oldies, a world of music that was mainly underground at the time. You grow tired of all of the overly sexual and objectifying and demeaning songs, and you relate to music with lyrics full of meaning. This usually translates to having a strong dislike for mainstream hip hop and pop and taking a strong liking to rock and its sub-genres. But in all fairness, we can't assume all hip hop and pop doesn't have meaning or that all rock has meaning (because there are plenty of examples out there to prove this point).

In conclusion to this random post, all I'm asking is to give the Christian bands a chance even if you aren't one. I say give any musician a chance until you've actually listened to them, that way you be proven right or wrong with evidence and not just prejudice.

The end.

Video for a Day: "Two Weeks/Head Over Heels", a mashup by Kimbra

She has a great voice. Two songs that I enjoy very much, mashed together. No other words necessary.

You Deserve Better, But You Were Good For Him/Her

The other day, my grandmother and I were talking about a family member who's been in and out of trouble for years, and she brought up how he needed to stop messing around with these women who have issues. She brought up how she wishes he was still with his ex from 10+ years ago. Yes, it's been that long, but my grandma still believes this woman was great for him. Why was she so great? Well, for one thing, she stood strong, she stood her ground, she challenged him. He couldn't get his way easily with her, and she wasn't going to allow that. All those women who came after her? They were complete followers, submissive to whatever he said/wanted, which is really sad. This specific ex, though, I remember her when I was a little kid. She was always nice to me, bought me chips (because what else do little kids want in life besides junk food), got along with the family, such a sweetheart in general. I don't know who broke up with who or if it was a mutual agreement, but I was sad when she wasn't around anymore. My grandma says this woman was really in love with this family member, so I'm thinking he broke up with her (I wouldn't be surprised). At the same time, though, we could argue that she deserved better, so it's a good thing she isn't with this family member anymore and has gone on to be successful in life. So where is this little story going?

I've been thinking about how people can say person A deserves a better person than person B, but at the same time someone else might say person A was good for person B because they helped keep person B in line, kept them out of trouble a bit. Usually friends and/or family of person A will say they deserve better, while family and/or friends of person B will say that person A was actually good for the former.

What keeps us in relationships with people when we technically "deserve better"? Is that love? Is love that force that keeps you with a person who is..."beneath" you or just nowhere near perfect? I hate to use the term "beneath" because it belittles people, but at this moment I couldn't think of another word to replace it, but you get my point. Now, this isn't to be used in the example of abusive relationships because that is an entirely different story of how I feel about a person deserving better and being good for someone else in that sense. I've digressed...

Anyway, it's just something that's been on my mind lately, especially with my grandma bringing up our family member and his ex. It's also kind of funny because a post I wrote a week or two ago was about being young but not settling for less than what we deserve. Should we hold relationships in the same light? Should we reject the person who is "less than"? Or do we stay with this person because we realize that we caused a change for the better in them, and leaving them would just cause trouble and much pain? I guess this just has me thinking now for people who do stay with a person when they know they could "do better"- are they staying because of love or is it an obligation to keep this person on the right track?

People are powerful, sometimes far more than they know.

Chandler London and Why I Think I'm Falling In Love

Okay, maybe I'm over-exaggerating when I say that I'm "falling in love", but I am honestly digging Chandler London's mixtape The Science of Sleep (produced by Stefan Ponce). I know I'm late in discovering him and this mixtape (released in 2011), but better late than never, right? While listening to a local radio station that I'd just discovered a few days ago, London's "Stéphanie" came on. The beat caught my ear first, then I recognized the sample being used and got really excited. My internet search for more info on this Chicago native began after the song ended.

Now, I might be slightly biased when it comes to this mixtape for a few reasons: 1) The Science of Sleep is one of my favorite (if not my absolute favorite) films, 2) Chandler London is from Chicago, 3) samples from some of my favorite musicians are featured on this mixtape (including Lykke Li and M83), and 4) I'm in love for the previously mentioned reasons and more.

Bias aside, don't sleep on The Science of Sleep (see what I did there?) because it's pretty great and London is legit. I'm at a loss of intelligent words to describe this collection of songs, which flows in a dreamlike manner, or as if I'm traveling through memories of the good and bad times in life. I've been listening to this mixtape everyday, and I swear I'm not exaggerating- that's just how much I love it. All I can really say is that you should hear it for yourself. Download it, and I doubt you'll be disappointed.

http://chandlerlondon.com/
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Lil' Wayne- Skater with a Clothing Line?

I know I'm behind on the times, but I just found out that rapper Lil' Wayne started a clothing line called TrukFit, which is a skate brand of sorts, specializing in t-shirts and snapbacks (that's simply a baseball cap for you old timers like me, I'll save further discussion of these hats for a later post). This clothing line is only available online from TrukFit's official site, Karmaloop, CCS, and Zumiez (I'm assuming at least some of the items can be found in Zumiez stores nationwide). The design on the shirts are similar to your average skate brand shirt- some featuring the brand name in all caps, a little "mascot" of sorts, some catchy slogans, and etc. There's even this martians shirt with the face of a martian who looks to be high, which would make sense that the slogan on the shirt says "Feelin' Spacey", but who knows if they're actually trying to subliminally reference marijuana in a t-shirt (but I wouldn't be surprised at all if that were the case). Overall, I think the line is alright.

Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's because I'm older, but none of the items in the collection really grab my attention. Part of this could be because I'm starting to move away from screen printed t-shirts (blame my evolving sense of style that still isn't that great), but I still like t-shirts. Maybe it's the font style used for the shirts and hats, I don't know. It's just not my thing.

Now, many people have called Weezy (I think that's what he goes by...) a poser for his recent involvement in the skate community, while others have welcomed and embraced him. Whether or not he is a poser is not for me to decide, and honestly I do not care about that fact right now. I'm just trying to figure out how a guy who really just got into skating over the last year has his own clothing line. Well, the fact that he has a clothing line is not the unbelievable part (he is Lil' Wayne after all), it's the whole fact that this clothing line is being clearly marketed towards the skate community. How often does an amateur skater get their own clothing line? I've seen videos of Weezy skating, and he's not bad, but he's nowhere near pro level. It's hard to tell if this is just a phase for him, if he's legit trying to go pro, or if he's just genuinely interested in the skate community and wanting to give back in some way.

In a way, I'm probably making myself sound like a "hater", but believe me when I say that I am not. I honestly would rather see a young skater with a ton of talent start his or her own skate apparel collection. This could be someone who hasn't gotten sponsored yet, but they've got the talent to be pro. It doesn't take too much to start your own t-shirt line (I've seen it a few times by different people from area), but actually getting the attention of a wider audience besides your friends/family is the tough part. Lil' Wayne has a huge advantage because he's already popular in today's culture, and he's also becoming buddies with more and more pro skaters (including some of my faves, such as Paul Rodriguez and Nyjah Huston). He has the connections these young skaters wish they had.

What was the point of this post anyway? Well, I guess it's to see if this clothing line is just a money thing (but who would really openly admit that?), or if Weezy really wanted to start this collection because he believes it's truly that awesome. Or maybe if it were revealed that TrukFit gives a percentage of its profit to skate-related charities, then I would have no problem with this collection (even though I still wouldn't find it appealing to me) since it's not for complete personal gain. Let's just sit back and see how long this collection lasts.

Video for a Day: "Lightspeed" by Grieves

"Lightspeed" by Grieves

You need to slow down 

Every once in awhile sometimes

To see how the world goes around

You need to slow down every once in awhile

'Cause you don't know, you don't

No, you don't need to go so fast

We're Young, But We Shouldn't Settle For Less

Living in a college town and being a "poor college student" means sometimes moving into apartments/houses that have been lived in by hundreds of other "poor college students". Some of these places aren't too shabby while others look quite...dated. And I believe "dated" is being nice in some cases. Lessors/landlords don't always help keep the places up as nice as they could because college students will be living there. They figure that we don't really care how the places look, as long as they're affordable and the main utilities work. As long as we're paying good money, we shouldn't just get the bare minimum.

So here's the situation...

Three friends and I will be renting a house not too far from school. Actually, we are currently renting it (12-month lease, $1100/month, that started June 1st) and only two of my roomies are staying there for the summer. I went down to visit the place two days after my other roomies moved in to check things out and take photos and whatnot. A few major issues were discovered as well as many minor issues. I informed my one friend who won't be able to come down to the house until it's time for school to start again about the issues. Her response? Basically, she says that as long as everything is working, why do any of those issues matter, except for like one major issue. I love my friend, but I was actually shocked to hear her response to the issues in the house.

We weren't expecting to live in a perfect house, but we expected for some things to be fixed before we moved in. My one roommate who is staying there now is all "we can fix this, clean that", which is true in some cases, but some things are just not our responsibility at all. We shouldn't be spending our own money to fix a place that we're only renting for a year, repairing damages left before we moved in. It's not fair to us that we have to move into a house that isn't really "ready" for us nor that we have to fix ourselves. Whatever repairs we do to this house ourselves, we should be repaid for honestly, or we can take any additions with us (except for paint on the walls and similar repairs).

• There's a ton of chipped paint throughout the house, a minor issue, but it would be awesome if they gave us paint to fix these walls. 
• We're not responsible for grass care, so it would be awesome if they could cut down all of those weeds in our yard. It looks like they haven't cut the grass in months. I'd just cut the grass myself, but they claim we don't do any yard work, just shovel the snow during winter. 
• The outside of this house needs a paint job, especially by the door.
• There's a hole in the wall in the living room that is about the circumference of a baseball and more than a surface issue. One of my roomies' boyfriend hung a nice painting he did over the hole lol.
• Cracks in the ceiling- water damage maybe? 
• Rat/mice droppings in a cabinet near the floor in our little hallway outside of the kitchen. Do. We. Have. Rats?!!!! This is a major problem that needs to be fixed. No exceptions.
• And other random issues

My point is that as young adults, we have the right to demand nice things as well. People expect us to screw things up all of the time, but not all of us are "bad" or look to purposely damage property. As a lessor/landlord, I would want my lessee(s) to move into a nice and clean place, in hopes that they would want to renew their lease or rent another one of my properties. I wouldn't promise the lessee things that I wouldn't keep... But it's okay. This is all a learning experience.

As Blink-182 said, I guess this is growing up.

Caring Is...Caring

No matter what, I'll always care. And I hate it. I hate that I care so much. Wouldn't it be easier in life if you could just forget about people, completely remove them from your life since it seems like they've already done just that? Sometimes I wonder how is it even possible to care about someone you haven't talked to in awhile (in some cases years)? Are you weird if you do still care about someone when they could care less about you (or so you believe that to be the case)?

I can't read minds. I can "read" people when I'm with them, observing their emotions, body language, reactions, but I still can't necessarily read their mind. I don't know. Maybe it's just this weird thing of missing a person and their company because there was nothing like it. Not to say that when I'm with other people I don't enjoy that time, because that is definitely not the case. It was just...different. Different yet comforting. The air always felt calm and at ease.

And now I feel like I'm in this weird position where I'm thinking about you a lot less, not "worrying" about your well-being so much and if you're happy, yet still hoping things work out for you. I'm meeting new people, reconnecting with old people, and it's a really nice change in my life. I'm not in the house so much anymore just doing nothing- someone is usually around who wants to meet up, chill, or just drive around town for a few hours listening to music. But now I have this new fear of losing someone I truly care about. Granted, this has happened before, but it was usually with people who I never really had a lot in common with at all, so we usually had few memories to share. Maybe it's the fact that so many things remind me of you without even trying, and I think I hate that even more. I just want my friend back.

Even though as I write this I have a specific person in mind, there are a few people I can think of who I just want to have in my life again. I wish everything were as easy as a phone call or some type of message, but that would make life fair, and we all know life can't be fair.

This is what happens when you stay up too late. The thoughts are never-ending. I apologize to any soul who actually reads this for the lack of structure that I at least attempt to have in most of my long text posts.

Sean Bones' latest album- Buzzards Boy

Sean Bones has his entire album up for streaming currently. It's very..."feel good", if you know what I mean. It just has a nice air to it. It's too late at night for me to be writing this and trying to make logical sense, so enjoy the music if you should randomly come across this post.

All Get Out- Possibly One of My New Favorite Bands

Here's my boys' setlist from the tour (taken from their post on Facebook lol):

1) Oo de la li (Cover)
2) Me and My Lovers
3) Lucky Bastard
4) Subject to Change
5) Girl, Gun
6) Let Me Go
7) The Season

Basically, they played all of my favorite songs from their album. I felt like I was the only person singing (or lip-syncing) along to their songs that night. People need to fall in love with them. Also, I just want to be buddies with all of the guys and be their merch girl. The bassist shouldn't always have to sell the merch alone out there lol. I will see them again next time they're in town. No regrets, yo. I love them. The end.

Also, I'll write a more in-depth review of the entire concert that I'm referring to in a later post.

Song for the Day: "Here Now" by Sean Bones

"Here Now" by Sean Bones

New music from Sean Bones. His sophomore album, Buzzards Boy, hits stores May 8th. Check him outttt. 

Too Much Love in the American Story?

The other night, I watched the French film Lila Says with a friend. While this film was a romantic drama and a bit of a love story, it was not your conventional love story. (*Semi-spoiler alert) While nothing truly physical happened between the two protagonists (nope, not even a kiss), that did not change the fact that they were in love (or that one really loved the other).

I then thought about The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I've seen both the Swedish version and the American remake. Comparing the two, the Swedish version is definitely a lot more gritty and "graphic" (for lack of a better word right now). I realized that the American version kind of "romanticized" relationships more. **SPOILER ALERT** For example, the American version ends with Lisbeth throwing away a leather jacket and driving away on her motorcycle after spotting Mikael getting into a car with his co-worker whom he had an affair with. In the Swedish version, though, the film ends with Lisbeth walking in her blonde, professional woman disguise on the island (or wherever she is) after she has completed the deed to set up that one guy. We do not see her come back for Mikael or return to Sweden at all. Since I haven't read the book yet, I am unsure if the Swedish version left out that final scene or if the Americans added the final scene. Either way, it still leads me to ask the question:

Is there too much love/romance in American stories?

Even as a writer, albeit an amateur, I realize that most of my stories revolve around romantic relationships or include some type of significant romantic relationship (or great desire for one) between characters. I'm not sure if this is because I haven't much relationship experience and try to create the relationships I desire (or want to avoid) in my life through my stories, but I've noticed it in written stories as well as films. There are people who get annoyed when action movies have seemingly unnecessary sex scenes and things of that nature. Think about it, when's the last time you read a book, watched a movie, or watched a tv show that didn't have some type of "important" romantic relationship? When's the last time you read/watched a story that focused strictly on actions and the issues at hand while only featuring friendships or business relationships only? Even movies for kids feature little crushes and "puppy love" stories more and more. Children's stories seem to be the only ones left that focus strictly on friendships, probably because no one wants there nine-year-old to desire to have a boyfriend/girlfriend right at this moment when they're still going through puberty and all of that jazz. Whatever happened to cooties? Anyway...

Do I have a problem with this overwhelming presence of love in our stories? No, no I do not. As a growing writer, though, I'm becoming frustrated with my own writing because it seems like all of my stories will end up being the same because of the focus on romance. A good example of this is a short story I had an idea for. I actually thought out the entire story, and it was not going to include any type of love story. Two friends were to just simply chat about life in a coffee shop when an unexpected event happens. When I actually began to write the story though, another character was introduced who is a love interest of the main protagonist. This frustrated me because I had no intentions of going down that path, but once you start writing, the story tends to guide itself and take control (hence why so many of us writers can become frustrated with our own characters, our own creations, when we could simply say no and rewrite). I've officially decided that I will try to write two versions of this short story, the one mentioned above and one that completely avoids the love aspect, and see how that works.

Maybe it's an American thing. Or maybe it's a Western thing. Or maybe it's a human thing, and I just don't see this as much in stories from other countries. Maybe it's because of the influence of previous works, the classics, that have put us in the mindset that these love stories are very important to the overall story. Like, is a sex/random hookup scene really necessary in a film about zombies taking over the earth or a group of people planning to rob a bank? As they say, sex sells, but it isn't necessary for every film. Also, a ton of sex scenes aren't necessary for a romance story since there is more to love than sex (well, that's technically just an opinion because some people would not agree).

This could just be a result of my over-analyzing, but at least one of my friends has agreed with me about this, so I'm not completely alone. If anyone else does actually read this (doubtful), please share your thoughts on this- whether you agree/disagree, don't care, never noticed, whatever.

Video for a Day: "All the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands" by Sufjan Stevens

"All the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands" by Sufjan Stevens

If you don't know how much I love Sufjan Stevens, now you know. Sometimes, I feel as if I could listen to his music forever, seriously. 

Damaged and Unbreakable

One of my favorite spoken word artists/writers/Chicagoans/awesome person in general, Chris Gutierrez, wrote a blog post today that kind of accurately describes my feelings from last night (I was in such a weird mood yesterday). You can read that post here. (EDIT: This is from a few weeks ago now.)

I was in such an odd mood that Friday two weeks ago. I can barely describe it. I was feeling pretty good earlier in the day, but by the afternoon, I was just..off. I finally saw Bridesmaids that night with one of my friends, and it wasn't a bad movie, but it definitely wasn't as funny as I thought it was going to be. Some parts of the movie were so relevant to the past year of my life that I didn't know how to handle it afterwards. I came back to my room and was overwhelmed by my thoughts. I even cried a little because I felt shitty, I felt damaged, I felt all of the things I felt from the past year in one night.

I talked to one of my close friends the next day about it, and he said that I wasn't damaged. As a friend, that's easy to say. Being honest though, I am. I made some pretty big mistakes last year, things that left me hurt in the end. Poor decisions. My clouded judgment got the best of me, and it sucks. It really does. I'm not going to go into detail of what I've done because they aren't things that I think should be broadcast to the whole world. Most of my friends don't even know what I've done. I'm not proud. Sometimes I fear that my past will come back and fuck me over. Sometimes, I think that I'll never find a truly decent guy who will be able to look past these things. I think, what if I meet a guy who is too perfect, too clean? Will I be intimidated by his perfection? He could be into me in the beginning...until he finds out more about me, then he might walk away. Really, I just overthink these things, but I truly feel just a bit damaged. I could be a lot more messed up, I really could, so I'm thankful to still be mostly okay. This is why I'm so substance-free, for the most part. I've tried hookah before, but that was once a few weeks ago, and I don't foresee doing that often. None of my friends understand why I won't just drink a little or smoke a little, but I don't want to start now. I don't want to make myself sound super unstable or anything, but I'm not strong enough to handle substances currently. I'll become dependent, there's no doubt. I've seriously considered picking up smoking to de-stress, but I know how unhealthy that would be for my already sucky health. I don't mess with alcohol because the only time I'm ever interested in drinking is when I'm feeling low and want to numb my feelings and not deal with my problems. I never think about alcohol when I want to have fun. I have fun completely sober, I have a ton of fun. I don't want to become dependent on these substances because I know I will, just to have something alter my mood temporarily. I need to stay clean right now.

Though damaged, I am unbreakable. You can beat me, you can try to tear me down, but you can't break me. I'm damaged, but I'm not completely broken. There's always a nice amount of hope left within me, helping to mend some of the cracks. I have to forgive myself for my mistakes, move forward, actually learn from these experiences. It's not the end of the world. I'm not a "horrible" person. I'm going to make it, damaged but unbreakable.

Video for a Day/Food for Thought: "Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus"

Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus

This video has been going "viral" lately, or at least among a few of my facebook friends. It was kinda crazy that I saw this video the same night after having a discussion about this with a few of my friends earlier in the day (*it's been about two weeks now; I had this as a draft and unfortunately forgot about it for awhile). A lot of our views on religion have changed since we were younger, with many of these changes occurring during high school and becoming more defined in college. I consider myself a Christian, but I don't want to be confused for an extremist, fundamentalist, "I am right, you are wrong", shove my beliefs down your throat person though. I'm not the most religious, and I doubt I ever will be. For the most part, this video accurately describes my views on religion and my love for Jesus.

I originally had so much more to say, but as I mentioned before, I started this two weeks ago and wasn't able to finish it at the time. This is why you can't put things off.

Video for a Day: "How Strong We Are" by Mark Rose

"How Strong We Are" by Mark Rose

I loved this song the first day I heard it a few years ago. This is a remastered version he did for his debut album which was released last year. If you don't know Mark Rose, you should. He has a great voice, he's talented, and he's reppin' the Chi, so those are the only reasons you need to love him.

Now, I actually want to talk about this video a little bit. I love the shots of Chicago, love 'em. I like that a lot of people were seen, besides just simply whoever walked by while following the singer (what usually happens in music videos), ya know like how the camera was specifically on certain people for lengths of time. I really enjoyed the way this was shot.

The only criticism I have is for the times that it was just Mark chillin in Grant Park, leaning against the railings of bridges and such. While these were shot just as nicely as the rest of the video, I wasn't a fan of Mark's sorta blahness. He never actually looks straight into the camera at all during this entire video. I guess he was going for the serious look and all, but he could've looked into the camera a few times. Also, he could've smiled a few times as well. This isn't a sad song; it's about staying strong during the rough times and getting past those things. Now, this could have been the director's decision to not have him smile or look into the camera and not Mark's. Regardless, though, I think there should've been some smiling and direct eye contact. It would've made it feel a little more personable and not like he was a Chicago-native staring at tourists and all or something. I don't know. Maybe it's just me haha.

2011, You Weren't Too Shabby

I know it would've been the smart or cool thing to write about my thoughts on 2011 while it was still 2011, but family came over on the 30th and left yesterday, and I couldn't be so rude as to write a blog post in their presence. Anyway...

2011

What can I say? You weren't the worst year I've had (that might go to 2010, which was more of a super bittersweet year with a few highs and many lows), but you probably weren't the best. A lot happened this year. A lot. I wanted new experiences and changes in my life, and boy did I get them. I had my first kiss, pulled my first true all-nighter, had my first boyfriend, went on dates, went to the city (aka Chicago) on a school night for a concert and returned the same night, made new friends, grew even closer to close friends, grew distant from people because we all change, I made mistakes, got hurt, relapsed twice, grew an even stronger dislike for a family member, actually saw weed up close (yes, I had never actually seen marijuana up close until May/June), went to Lollapalooza, read some good books, went to a house show, had two legitimate regrets or so, ate many jumbo marshmallows, volunteered at a great hospital in my favorite city, cuddled, kissed, got a freakin hickey (still only that one to date, not really hoping for more...), truly realized that an older age doesn't always mean more experienced and wise, got out more, had great conversations, got a tattoo, contemplated really making my parents angry by being a rebel (I didn't, but I was close...), was surrounded by alcohol often yet didn't drink, broke shit, lost shit, cried over the death of my external hard drive (music, pictures, old writings, everything), lost my grandfather who I almost forgot was still living (yes, that's sad, but we were never close, and my dad's side of the family is just so distant from each other. I wish I would've known him better), got so angry at myself I didn't know what to do, cried for various reasons, visited Mike's grave with Jon and truly felt his presence, ate a lot, saw so much positivity and optimism in some people that it helped me fight even more to stay strong and positive, felt pain, realized how much my family truly is struggling financially, accepted the fact that my aunt is never going to walk again, hugged a lot of people, tried to keep a smile on my face as often as possible, stressed myself out, almost seriously blacked out, discovered new music, watched new films, barely slept, and I did other random things, but most importantly, I loved.
I loved everyone, and I still do. Sometimes, people angered me or hurt me, and I needed time to cool off and just breathe. I don't hate anyone, but I do dislike very few people, very few. Three guys hurt me to certain extents in their own ways. Two of them I'm not mad at because it wasn't intentional, they're just as fucked up as me, and they're still in my life as friends. But the other one...while I hold no hard feelings for him anymore, he knew what he was doing. He used me, he tried to guilt trip me, he took advantage of my vulnerable state, he cared more about himself and thinking about a future as a rich person with a fancy car than another human being. While I wish him the best in life, I will not stick around to see how everything goes; he is not positive to my life, so he cannot stay. Regardless, I love everyone.

So, 2011, thank you for giving me a year full of many new experiences, for giving me a time of growth, for helping me become stronger. I am officially ready for battle.

I have no resolutions for 2012 besides striving for a positive year. Making resolutions never seems to work for me (or many people...), so I'm just going to prepare myself for whatever may come my way while still keeping my eyes on the future.

2012, bring it on.

Video for a Day: "I'll Try Anything Once" by The Strokes

"I'll Try Anything Once" by The Strokes

I've enjoyed this song since the first time I heard it 2-3 years ago. It just came up on shuffle, and nostalgia seeped into my veins.