It's That Time of the Year Again

I'm doing NaNoWriMo again! Even though I probably have even less free time this November than last, I'm still going to try to work out a novel. I've already written down ideas for the novel I want to work on. Completely new idea than what I usually come up with. Well, maybe it's not super new, but it's not as dramatic as what I usually think of. This is going to be somewhat action packed, thriller-esque haha, with my usual "dramatic" moments. I want to start writing it now, but it's not November 1st yet, and I want to play fair. I no longer have physical evidence of the novel I started to write last year because my external hard drive died and it was only on there. Oh well. Here's to a fresh start and hopefully an exciting November!

Also, if you don't know what National Novel Writing Month is, well, it's kind of self-explanatory, but the goal is to write a novel of 50,000 words or more only during the month of November. You can always continue writing and working on the novel after that, but the challenge of trying to get 50,000 words out of you in 30 days makes it even more interesting. Sometimes, this is the motivation you need to work on the novel you've always wanted to start writing and whatnot. Make friends, have your friends join with you, go to write-ins (where you write with other fellow participants in your area), and more. Who knows, maybe your novel will come out so great that you'll do a little editing and actually try to publish it.

Check out the nanowrimo website for more info.

Girl, You Better Check Yourself

I got caught up. I went blind. I lost myself for a moment.

Thursday, I was full of so much excitement for multiple reasons- I was basically going on a mini roadtrip with my friends to head up to the city for a concert, I didn't even tell my parents about the concert so I felt rebellious, and my boyfriend came with us. Well, the only reason we were going to this show was because of my boyfriend inviting me about a month ago before we were even dating. Anyway, it was a brand new experience for me going on a trip like this and all. After leaving school, we made the roughly 2.5 hour drive to pick up my bf and then make the 45 minute drive to the concert venue from his house. When it was just us girls in the car on the way there, it was all fine and dandy and crazy dancing, but once we picked him up, the atmosphere changed...

I moved from the front passenger seat to the backseat to sit next to the bf which was expected, but my friend who was riding in the back is not as good of a navigator as me, and  this is where things got iffy. My driver friend only really picked up my bf because she thought that he knew how to get to the venue, but he had never been there before, so the most he could do was look up the map on his iphone and all. We got turned around a few times because we kept missing our exit to get on the one highway to take us to the city. We wasted between 15-30 minutes because of that. I equally blamed him and my friend who was now in the passenger seat, but I was joking. It was my fault for not watching the road as closely anymore as well just because my bf was now in the car. He blamed my friend for us getting turned around so much and criticized the driving of my other friend, even though he didn't really know them well enough to say those things without it sounding mean and all. We got caught in traffic as soon as we hit the north side of the city on the highway/expressway, so we were running pretty late. The show started at 8 with the main band we came to see going on last. We girls were hungry and originally planned to grab food before we went into the show. I looked up restaurants near the venue, but I didn't write down exact addresses stupidly. We walked towards the venue and got in line, but were still trying to figure out what we wanted to do about food. I was indifferent about grabbing food, and my bf wasn't hungry of course since he'd eaten less than an hour before we picked him up. We walked into the venue and got checked off the "guest list" aka will call, but then there was no re-entry. The venue has a restaurant, so my friends waited back in that area to see if they could get food while the bf and I went into the concert area. My friends met up with us pretty quickly to say that they couldn't eat in the restaurant area because they weren't 21, but the people could bring the food into the concert area for them, which would be weird because there was no seating or tables in that area. So my friends decided that we would wait until after the show. I felt bad because I know that we planned to get food before, and it was kind of my fault. And when my friends said this, my bf said, "Well, you should've spoke up", which was really rude actually. I think that was strike two for him for my friends...

During the show and all, he didn't really talk to my friends. He mainly had his back to them when were all talking and such. Sometimes he would kind of pull me towards him, as one of my friends brought to my attention. It made them feel uncomfortable and kind of unwanted, like they were a third and fourth wheel, or as my friend said, "It was like we were on an entirely different bike". When one of his friends came right before the main band, he introduced him to me, but didn't introduce my friends. During the show, he would put his arms around me, ya know in that whole standing behind me way like you see couples in the movies and all. I never turned around to look at him or anything because I was too absorbed into the music, especially when the main band we came to see performed.

After the show, we went to this nice 24/7 restaurant/kinda-diner about a 5-minute drive away. Things were better then. My friends told me later on that they don't know if he talked to them more because it was a forced environment (sitting at the table together) or not, but he was a lot nicer and all. And he was good on the ride home. Actually, he was pretty quiet on the ride home, as we all were a bit tired. We held hands pretty much the entire ride home, so I thought it was cute. He gave me a good night kiss when I walked with him to his door and all, he didn't make my friends pay him back for the concert tickets (he bought all of ours together on his card, and we were going to pay him back in cash), and he said that he plans to come down and visit me in about two weeks, which made me happy. The ride back to school was pretty smooth because it was so late and hardly any cars were on the road. When I crawled into my bed that night/early-morning, I felt good.

I felt infinite. I said that it was one of the best nights of my life because so many new things happened in one night that made me feel good. I thought we were all infinite that night.

But after my friends opened up to me today (Sunday- I realize that it is now past 2 on Monday morning...), I had to reevaluate my Thursday night adventure. I still will say that I felt infinite that night and the rest of this weekend since I was still reeling from all of the awesomeness. But my friends told me that I changed when my bf got in the car, I was acting differently and joked along with him and didn't really call him out on criticizing them. They tried to defend themselves, but he just acted as if he didn't care and still went along with what he was doing. I made my friends feel uncomfortable for about the first 3 hours with him (aka up until we got food after the show). I feel bad about this now.

When did I lose myself? When did I change? Did I get too caught up in the idea/feelings of rebellion? Was I too excited to see my boyfriend again since we basically have a long-distance relationship and I last saw him 2-3 weeks prior? How did I let myself slip and be so easily swayed without him even directly guiding me his direction?

I'm so happy my friends set me straight because I was surely blind to my actions and the extent of his. Friends always come first, and I put my new boyfriend before my friends who I've known much much longer and who know me so much better than he.

I don't want to lose myself like that again, possibly causing my friends to not have as nice of a time out. The next time he comes to visit, I'm going to talk to him about his behavior on Thursday and see if we can work something out. Was he just in a certain mood that night? Or is that how he is all of the time? Because that could make for big differences in our relationship. It's a lot to think of, but it's not the end of the world. He's only my first boyfriend, and he most likely won't be my last before marriage, but who knows what will happen in life. I didn't completely lose myself that night, but I definitely was not completely myself. I allowed myself to change in ways unknowingly to possibly be more appealing to my bf or just to be a "follower" behind him.

I'm starting to have issues forming words and coherent thoughts since it's so late and I'm lacking some serious sleep, so I'll wrap this up now...

My behavior that night was very uncharacteristic of me, and I'm not happy with myself for acting that way. That wasn't me, and my friends saw it well before I did. I am super thankful to have friends like them in my life who will actually call me out on my actions instead of just letting me feel all giddy about my being with my bf since they know that this is new to me. They're helping me though.

From now on, I'm keeping myself in check so my friends won't have to pick up an extra responsibility. I refuse to let myself change for a guy or to let myself go. I am not a fan. Not a fan. Time to stand strong and pay attention to what I'm doing more carefully.

Video for a Day: "Skin + Bones" by Lydia

"Skin and Bones" by Lydia

I just saw this band live for the first time the other day, and they were so great. I had never listened to them until about a little over a month ago. I think I'm in love with this band, and it's probably because of the lead singer's voice.

The Right Choice

I'm thinking that I definitely made the right decision in being with my boyfriend. I think that some people were trying to guilt trip me because of my involvement with the other guy, but since I still can't really get this other guy to talk to me about this whole situation, I feel even stronger and more certain in my decision. I am not easily swayed by others, and I definitely wasn't going to feel horrible for not "waiting" for this other guy. I was supposed to go to his apartment last night to talk, but then he said that he couldn't borrow his friend's car to pick me up because they had places to go, so he was going to call me at 8 (the time we were supposed to meet). Then he got caught up with his friends again, so I told him to just call when he was free. He said that he would call around 9:25-ish- no call. I sent him a text 10 minutes later saying that he could call just in case he didn't get my previous text saying that it was fine for him to call me then. He never called last night. His friend started texting me around 10:30 last night, and I didn't give him my number but whatever. This guy is a talker. He ends up calling me instead of trying to get info from me via text. I was telling him that really it's not his business and that his friend just needs to talk to me. He kind of told me about stuff going on with his friend and all, and it helped me understand more that it's probably a good thing that I didn't pursue a relationship with him. If he's going through shit right now, then he shouldn't be in a relationship and he shouldn't be messing around with people either. He might have bad people skills and may be bad at expressing his emotions and all, but that's what I'm here for. I would give him all of the time to stumble over his words and all just to get out his thoughts and feelings- I'm a very patient person. I'm not gonna judge him for anything he's done in the past or is currently going through. I'm the vice president of a freakin group that tries to promote open-mindedness and non-judgmental attitudes because you never know what someone has been through, you don't know their story.    So I wish that he would just stop blowing me off or making me feel like we'll actually get to talk because he wants to talk in person too and then just get caught up in whatever other stuff.

I appreciate his friend having his back and trying to get info out of me, but I need to just talk to him. His friend thinks that he is this expert at psychology because he took a class or two and really enjoyed them, and he especially loves talking about relationship stuff, but I don't think he's an expert at actually dealing with people. I'm no expert, but I've been through shit, and I understand people. I don't yell at them and get on them for small things like he does. You need to have patience to really understand people, to read them, to hear them out. I may not be "the relationship expert" that he is, but I know people, and I feel for them. I just want him to stop acting like a know-it-all and taking over the conversations and let his fuckin friend talk. He can't work on his communication skills if you're always talking, damn.

Anyway, I just want to be friends with this guy now, and I want him to know that I'll be here for him. Let's put aside what we've done in the past, though that may be slightly hard, but it's for the best. I want him to feel like he can talk to me because I feel like his one friend isn't going to cut it all of the time. He needs some positive influences in his life, and I can be a positive influence (except for in the homework category because I'm such a slacker). He just needs friends right now. I don't think he can really handle a relationship right now with so much other stuff on his plate anyway. I just want him to be alright and for us to be friends and for him to trust me. That's all.

I also wish my boyfriend were closer- the issue with long-distance relationships, but I can handle it. I'll be seeing him Thursday!! I'm so excited. Then I can be sassy with him, and he'll be all cool and cute about it and call me sassasaurus rex haha. Ew, I'm being all girly and shit. I like him, and I'll leave it at that.

Video for a Day: "Shuffle" by Bombay Bicycle Club

"Shuffle" by Bombay Bicycle Club

I love the BBC boys. I want to see them so badly. Now that they've somewhat grown in popularity, they actually travel stateside. I need to see them one day. One day. 

Boys on the Mind

So, these are just random thoughts for right now. I'm not trying to sound like a girl that only thinks about guys and shit either. This is more than just guys of interest or whatever- this is about guys in general....

I don't fully understand guys right now. I never do those anonymous things where you talk about the person without mentioning their name so that they would have to guess if it's them if they should come across this blog. Well, I guess I'm going to do that now for the first time because there's a lot running through my mind regarding certain guys. Stream of consciousness is to follow...

A) You're slowly turning into the guy I hoped you wouldn't be. I don't know. We both crossed the line in our own ways, but it still shouldn't be this hard to get you to sit down and have a conversation. You don't want a relationship, and I get that and respect that, but I don't know if you're trying to avoid having a "talk" with me because you think that I'm going to pretty much ask you out or say that I really want a relationship with you or not. That's not what I want to tell you at all. I just want you to find the same time to talk to me that you could find before to come over and kiss me. I just want to be friends and let you know that I've moved on. Seriously. Grow up and man up. You're not going to hurt my feelings by telling me the truth.

B) So I guess we're official and all now, which is pretty cool and new to me, but I feel like we talk less now which really doesn't make sense. If we're together now, shouldn't we talk more? I'm not pushy or anything, but you used to text me for like an hour or two a few nights a week until we decided to go to sleep, but that hasn't happened recently. No good night stuff or anything. Maybe we're not so official then? Or maybe now that we're official you don't feel like you have to talk to me everyday to...I don't know, make sure that I'm still interested because you have me or something? Or if we are randomly texting in the day, you just don't reply at some point, and then I don't hear from you anymore. Am I being annoying? I don't get it at all. Maybe you're just busy, or maybe I did something this past weekend to make you mad or irritated though you didn't seem it. Who knows. Maybe I'm just overthinking as usual. This is nothing new. I'll see you next week, and maybe I can read you better then. I don't know.

C) You're probably my closest guy friend here at school, and I'm very grateful to have you as a friend. You make me worry though. Yeah, you're in a very demanding major and everything, but I'm worried that you'll stress yourself out and have some type of breakdown or whatnot. I feel like you're trying to take on too much at once. Piling up on classes to graduate in four years isn't really worth it if you'll give yourself an ulcer. I don't want to see your health decrease or see you go down a dark path because you want to overwork yourself. I'm glad that we're going to talk this weekend because I need to understand better what you're trying to do with your life and all. There's too much going on with you right now, and I know you're overwhelmed, and I feel like you're adding unnecessary stress to your life. I just want you to breathe and pace yourself.


Okay. I think I've cleared my mind the best I could. I've got chills running through my body now. Time to sleep.

Video for a Day: "Dateless for Armageddon" by 2*Sweet

"Dateless for Armageddon" by 2*Sweet

I miss these boys. A lot. 

Song of the Day: "Midnight City" by M83

Midnight City by M83

New M83. Loving it.

Video for a Day: "Crave You" by Flight Facilities ft. Giselle

"Crave You" by Flight Facilities ft. Giselle



This song is all too relevant right now. Not even gonna lie. Why is commitment so hard? What's so scary about it? It's not like I ask for a lot in life. Everything just gets more and more complicated as days go by.