Winter Show 2: A House Show

I went to this tonight. I had so much fuckin fun. I ate blueberry pancakes that possibly had alcohol in them. I saw so many people who either went to or currently attend my high school. It sweaty as balls in there. I almost got a fro. Everything was worth it. Fuck yeah.

Letting Go

For the first time tonight, I cried over a bowl of spaghetti. I cried over you. Usually, I don't like to talk about people directly (as if I am speaking to them about them) in an anonymous fashion, but it's one of those times where I need to just write it out because I'm slightly too lazy to write in my journal (but I will definitely be writing in there soon, probably after this).

I lied to myself, I lied to one of my closest friends. I told myself that I was over "us" and could move on to just being friends and all. But now... now you're just ignoring me, and it honestly makes me feel like shit. If you really don't want to be my friend anymore (because I just can't tell), please just tell me. I'd rather someone tell me that they would rather not speak to me anymore than just ignore me, leading me to believe that maybe they are busy or just trying to avoid me in general. Maybe I'm supposed to not talk to you for weeks or months before we can start speaking again on friendly terms. I don't know how any of this truly works. I'm an amateur to the relationship thing. You know this. I just wish you weren't being such a asshole about it. I wish you weren't playing the victim role now. I haven't posted tons of sappy shit on my blog about having my heart broken, about being a nice girl and no one wanting me, about being let go in general. I didn't even address it on my blog. And I get it, I shouldn't be trying to judge what someone posts on their blog and all, but if they should post personal stuff for the world to see, what do you expect? And I know how you are, so you're prone to post your feelings because it's your escape. Stop whining about being a nice guy who the good/smart girls never want because they always go for assholes. Stop saying that you had your heart broken when you broke up with me. You must be an asshole then because I consider myself to be a pretty good/smart girl, but I thought you were a nice guy. Actually, deep down, I still believe you're a really nice guy, I won't even deny that. I think you just need to get your shit together now. I don't know what you want, I can't read minds. It kind of hurts to see you posting things about being hurt when you're the one who decided to do this. Obviously I still like you, and I am truly convinced that you no longer have feelings for me, and I have come to accept that. It sucks so much, but I can't change your mind. I can't. Everything just happened so fast, so abrupt. I didn't even see it coming. Because we had so much in common, it sucks even more because now so many things I like will remind me of you:

• Fall Out Boy- I don't think I know anyone who loves these guys and wants them to get back together more than you
• Lydia, La Dispute, The Spill Canvas- I started listening to them more because of you
• Green Street Hooligans- the first time we hung out alone/our sorta first date, we watched this movie together, lying on your bed, working on my art project at the same time. I'd seen the movie about 2-3 times before, but it was nice actually watching it with someone else
• The Science of Sleep- while we were still just in our talking/chatting stage, we both found out that it's one of each other's favorite films.
• Criminal Minds, Matthew Gray Gubler, Shemar Moore- not only do we both love the show, we both also love seeing Gubler and Shemar together in photos, on screen , whatever.
• Chipotle and Jimmy Johns- once again, I don't know anyone who loves these places more than you
• Harry Potter, Slytherin, green and silver- biggest Slytherin supporter I know (or self-described Slytherin, I don't know how to describe this). You say that green and silver are your favorite colors, for obvious reasons.
• Food- in general, you understand my love for food, we share this love, you know I'd choose food over sex and practically anything any day/time.
• that mix cd- whenever I rode in the car with you, I pretty much heard that same fuckin mix cd every time, so anytime I hear songs from there, I'll be reminded of you
• "Don't Be So Hard"- a lovely song by The Audition, and one of my faves. It's on said mix cd mentioned in the bullet above.
• 183rd st- super obvious reason. It really sucks that this is a busy street, and I pass it/drive on it often.
• Sassy- until you started calling me sassy, I have never heard so many people call me sassy in my life. I really don't want to be called sassy anymore now...

So many things that I see, hear, read, am just exposed to on a regular basis will remind me of you. I love everything about you, except for this current asshole/douchebaggery of yours. I love your flaws, your tattoos, your sarcasm, your eyes, your humor, your taste in everything, your singing (even though you think you're not good at it when you have such a nice voice), your niceness, and even the things you hate about yourself. I just love you for being you. No, I'm not in love with you. That'd be a bit too soon. But I'm a lover, so of course I love and care for you, just like all of my friends. I feel like you get lonely at night sometimes because everyone else is so far away at school or in the city. Sometimes, you just want to drive around listening to music with someone or grab food from some late-night fast food eatery, and I wished I could've been closer all of those times you just wanted to be around someone. We'd stay on skype for hours and not even speak the entire time- I think you just enjoyed the company, it was like someone was there with you.

I think you're just lost and don't know what you really want out of life yet. You say you want to be a social worker and go to whatever school, but you're 22 and still haven't made a move. I wanted to help you out a little, just to get you to talk out some goals and such, and we could help each other reach our goals. I just don't want to see you stuck while everyone else is moving forward and moving on in their lives. I don't know what's going on with you, but I guess I'll never know unless you tell. I'll leave it to your friends to help you out because I'm probably the last person you want to speak to right now. I'm always here for you though. If two years from now you decide that you want to talk to me again, I'll be glad to hear from you and I won't hold anything from now against you because it'll be such old news by then. No matter what, I won't forget you (I mean, it would be kinda hard to forget one's first relationship...). I only wish for the best for you.

I have to let you go now. If you want me, you know how to reach me. I can no longer reach out to you first because I can't deal with being ignored again and again. It'll be hard because there will be times where I really miss you and just want to text or call you or send you a picture text of something only you would really find humorous, but I will stay strong and resist. I can't allow all of these emotions to rush back and for me to get hurt because of you. I can't. I'm a smart girl, and I'm not a beggar or someone who forces someone to do something they don't want to do. I'm not going to fight because why should I? I love you, and that's why I have to let you go (cliche or not).


Let the fall make you stronger.- something I read earlier from The Angry Therapist, which came at the most relevant and perfect moment.

Video for a Day: "Unravel" by Bjork

"Unravel" by Bjork

How could you not love her? Seriously, love this song. I'll post the Radiohead (or more specifically Thom Yorke) cover one day.

While you are away
My heart comes undone
Slowly unravels
In a ball of yarn
The devil collects it
With a grin
Our love 
In a ball of yarn


He'll never return it


So when you come back
We'll have to make new love

The Break Up- Over but Fine

Yesterday, my boyfriend and I ended our relationship. I think it was slightly hard in the sense that neither of us really wanted to end it via phone, but I was the one who decided that we should talk on the phone since he was being weird all last week and seemed distant. We're not sad about it though. Though I probably would not have ended things just yet, it was mostly a mutual decision to end things. We would probably be better as friends anyway because we have so much in common. I know he didn't want to end things on the phone, but it would've been hard for me to just sit here 170 miles away not doing anything for two weeks as he's acting odd. He felt like an uber jerk and all (or as he said a "jerkasaurus rex"), but I told him that he's not a jerk because really he isn't. When the feelings aren't the same anymore, you just can't help it. For the most part, the feelings probably weren't there from the beginning. We tried to fool ourselves into believing that we needed to be in a romantic relationship, that we liked each other more than just friends, that because we had so much in common we needed to be together. We lasted roughly a month and a half- that's pretty good for my first relationship haha. We're still going to be friends though, and I hope we truly stick to that because now that he's entered my life, I really don't want him to be out of my life (if that makes sense). We don't need to be in a romantic relationship, but now we can just grow our relationship as friends. He says that we should definitely still hang out, and he's still picking me up from school next week (I would be kinda stuck here if he didn't...). Honestly, he's a really awesome guy that I do have a ton in common with, so we would make pretty freakin awesome friends. Maybe we could be like a dream team or something haha- being sassy and listening to good music and watching good movies and attempting to beat each other at various video games.

The only thing is that I've already sorta started buying his Christmas gifts (it was going to be like a bag full of random shit haha), so I guess I'll just give him what I already bought and just give it to him as a friend. I'll write a nice little note with it too, of course. I just want him to feel appreciated for all of the nice things he's done for me. Guys are always treating girls, but sometimes it takes us girls awhile to get around to treating our guys to something nice. I did plan to do something really nice for him over winter break, but I don't think that'll happen now, unless he feels comfortable just going out somewhere as friends. I mean, I've been on two "friend date"s with my one guy friend here at school, and he has a girlfriend, and we just go out to eat and chat about life and intellectual shit. So, he and I could do the same thing, and talk about books and music and other random shit. I just don't want awkwardness between us at all. After we called it quits, we started talking about regular shit which is kinda weird considering we just ended our relationship. I told our mutual friend that we broke up, and this friend said that instead of us being the "relationship of a generation" that we could now be the "friendship of a generation". Maybe we can.

I'm just hoping for the best from here on out.

These Feelings...They Can't Be Right...

I'm not okay. Nope. Not okay. I need to stop pretending and putting on that big, fake smile in front of my friends. I was on the phone with one of my friends over an hour ago, he asked me if I was sad, and I said no. He said that he could tell that I was just from my voice. I told him that I was just tired, and that I didn't think that I was sad. It's just like last year around this time and even my freakin' English professor thought that I was depressed and she'd only known me for roughly four months. I used to be so good at hiding my feelings, but I tried to put that behind me since I have amazing people in my life who are there for me and will listen to me. I don't have to pretend anymore, but I don't know why I feel like I should now. My thoughts have been attacking me constantly for the past week, and I hate it. I can't function or be productive because I'm too consumed by my thoughts. So much to do, so little time. There are so many great people who let me know that they care every day, yet I still want, almost need, reassurance from one person, and I hate feeling this way. I'm not very dependent on others, so I don't know why I'm this way with you. I don't want to be this way.

I'm just very overwhelmed with everything. School, relationships in general, the desire for infinite freedom, the urge for "rebellion", the ultimate desire for peace.

I changed my background on my phone to "Fight Off Your Demons" to remind me not to give up, not to let my demons win because right now I'm not even putting up a good fight, and I refuse to let them win. I refuse.

Gateways

About a week ago, a friend and I were having a discussion about marijuana. Neither of us smoke (though I believe she used to smoke in the past, during her high school days), but we were reading an article in the school paper saying how administration doesn't really know how to handle the issue with marijuana on campus. Technically, there isn't a true "issue" at hand, but the cases of students caught with it has gone up almost twice the amount of last year at this time (last year=4, this year=7 students). Yes, it's not super expensive, making it easier for college students to get their hands on it, but in the paper they noted it as a gateway drug...

Now, many people (mostly marijuana smokers) become defensive when it is considered a "gateway drug" and deny that it is. Personally, I don't care who smokes or whatnot, but it's just something that I choose not to do. Plus, I bet I would be randomly drug tested not too long after I've smoked or something like that. My friend doesn't believe that it is a gateway drug, and spoke from personal experience that smoking pot never led her to pick up any hard drugs and such. Sure, it will be that way for many pot smokers because no one wants to become a druggie and fucked up in the brain.

Here's my opinion though...
Marijuana is not always a gateway drug, but it can be a gateway drug under certain circumstances. If a person is dealing with some personal issues and a ton of stress, marijuana may only help out with that for a short while, leading that person to turn to something harder to feel less pain and more bliss. This is how some people do end up as drug addicts, unfortunately. Because so many people do not see marijuana as a possible gateway drug, they don't always pay attention to those who might be developing a strong habit with smoking the green plant. No one believes that someone can be addicted to marijuana, but many people do become very dependent upon it. Dependence isn't too far from addiction, though in many cases the terms are used interchangeably. I know people who smoke pot everyday, claim that you can't be addicted to marijuana, yet they don't know how to function or be productive if they haven't had their fix for the day. What does that even say?

I'm not trying to say that marijuana is "bad" or should be illegal, but I'm not really trying to promote it at the same time. I guess I'm just pretty indifferent to how I feel about people using it, but this was specifically to talk about whether or not it is a gateway drug. Everyone has a right to their own opinion and to make their own decisions in life. Every action has a reaction. To all my green-smoking friends, have fun, chill, relax, get creative and all of that jazz, but don't be too quick to discredit your favorite plant as a gateway drug when you haven't been seriously/clinically depressed, abused by family or other loved ones, bullied, or dealt with other serious problems in your lifetime. Smoking pot isn't going to solve someone's problems forever. In fact, it won't solve them at all, but it might help calm someone for awhile.

This is one of the main reasons why I personally choose not to drink or do drugs- I'd be using them to escape rather than to just have an enjoyable time or be "social". Maybe that makes me slightly biased on the topic, but I'm not trying to change people's opinions on pot altogether. I'm just trying to provide a different perspective on the effect it has on some people who smoke pot and not all people who do.

Video for a Day: "Walking on a Dream" by Empire of the Sun

"Walking on a Dream" by Empire of the Sun

I've been listening to this song a lot lately, 'tis true. 

Am I Overthinking? Will I Fit In? Should I Just Not Worry?

Yeah, I'm just overthinking. It's no big deal. No big deal at all.

What am I even talking about? Well, I've been doing a little thinking (or a lot at some points) about meeting my boyfriend's friends. Now, usually this wouldn't be an issue I would even think about, but then again I've never been in this situation before. He's older than me, and pretty much all of his friends are therefore older than me as well. I already look younger than my own age, so that doesn't help me at all of course. I met his best friend, but that was before we were even dating or interested in each other at all. I met one of his friends at that concert, but we didn't really chat or anything because my friends were there too, and I didn't know what to say of course. Over this coming Thanksgiving break, another friend of my boyfriend is supposed to be having some type of shindig the night of Black Friday in the city, and of course the boyfriend wants me to come. At first, I thought it would be cool and fine to go (granted I can even stay out late...), but as I thought about it more, I became nervous. I know none of his friends. None of them. They're all of age, and I'm still freakin' 19. What if they decide they want to go to a bar or something midway through the night, and I can't go because not only am I underage but I also do not own a fake ID? Will I feel uncomfortable being around them since they'll all be drinking, and I won't? I mean, I've been in a room full of people drinking before and felt perfectly fine, but I usually knew at least 3-4 other people there. This time I will literally know one person, and I don't want to seem like the girlfriend who doesn't speak or is a bitch because I don't speak or is weird and doesn't fit in with everyone. I feel like they're all really "hip" people, and I'm just not "hip". I have a diverse set of friends, it's true, so maybe I'll get along better with some of his friends than others. I'm just causing myself unnecessary stress, that's all. If I can go to the party, everything will be fine. I'll just be myself as usual, but I don't want to revert to my shy self because I'm in a room full of strangers (which does happen). I just want everything to go well and for it not to look like I'm trying too hard or something like that. I don't think I would be thinking about this so much if he didn't say that he wants me to come and meet his friends. Can I bring a friend too, just as a back up person? Or what if they end up liking my friend more and basically hating me?

God, I'm being so juvenile right now. But I think this is a legit thing to slightly think/worry about. I mean, is it a sign when you don't fit in with your significant other's friends? Or is the real sign when their friends straight up don't like you at all?

I hate overthinking. I hate thinking about "fitting in" again. I had to worry about this last year when I wanted to leave this school and needed a reason to stay. I just don't know. If his friends don't like me- it happens. I'll have to accept it. Or maybe I'll just have to grow on them. Yeah, maybe that'll be it. They might find me weird and awkward at first, but then maybe they'll grow to like me and we'll all be hanging out and stuff like that. I'm hoping that's what will happen. I think too much. Way too much.

Video for a Day: "Royal Blue" by Cold War Kids

"Royal Blue" by Cold War Kids

I don't have much to say about this song really, but I do enjoy it much. 

From now on with the sky as my roof
From now on let the risk lead me to
From now on somewhere I never knew
From now on call me royal blue

From now on fly as high as I want
From now on I'll show my weak spot
From now on you know that I do
From now on call me Royal Blue

From now on wear my love for you loose
From now on I am just passing through
From now on trust my feeling is true
From now on call me royal blue

Some Things Are Hard to Sit Through

Last night, I went out to dinner with two of my close friends here at school because we needed a break from dorm food. Uncharacteristic of me, I was pretty quiet for most of the meal. Why is that? Well, they were talking about an organization that they are a part of here at school, an organization that we all applied to last November but only they would be chosen as members. It was kind of hard for me to see two friends make it while I was kind of left out in the dumps. I wasn't a fan of the rejection email that I (and every other person who didn't make it) received- the wording was a little harsh, in my opinion. Anyway, they've been in this organization (which is more of a committee that brings various forms of entertainment to campus, especially big concerts and speakers and such) for a year, and it's time for them to re-apply along with new people who want to join.

Now, they are pretty much guaranteed their same positions, but if they want to switch committees among the organization, they have to state that in their application and all. My one friend will have an open position alongside her for the music committee, which is what was my 1st pick when applying for this and wasn't even in her top 3 (you can be chosen to be on a committee that isn't in your top 3 if the board members think you would fit better somewhere else). My other friend actually wants the open position alongside our friend or the position for the other music committee that does the big concerts. Only about twice have my friends said that I should apply again. But I figure, why even bother? When I was rejected last year, it crushed me. I secretly cried because during that time, I was losing faith in this school and befriending anymore people here. I wanted to truly be a part of group to make me feel like I belonged here. I needed to be a part of a group like this. I felt like it was perfect for me- event planning, bring musicians to school, bringing diversity, etc. It's such an important group here on campus, and it would've made me feel important to my student body. It was like I was being rejected left and right for everything I wanted to do. But I'm happy I stayed here because if I didn't, I wouldn't have met so many great people second semester (or I would've had to leave them after that if I didn't return in the fall), and I wouldn't be Vice President of my school's TWLOHA UChapter. Everything happens for a reason.

Back to my original thoughts... Since my friends have been a part of this organization, they've learned a lot and know much more about what goes on than when they weren't a part of it. But it's hard hearing them say constantly, "People don't realize how much work you have do in this organization. It's not as easy as they think...People think that they can just bring whoever they want here and that there's plenty of money to spend to bring artists and such here, but they will be proven wrong fast" and things like that. Yes, I get that you know pretty much all there is to know about the group now, but this was you last year- not knowing what really goes on, being naive and thinking you could bring practically whoever. Maybe if the group had an open forum of sorts with the student body and let them know what really goes on, people would realize what's really up. If you let people know what to expect beforehand, maybe some applicants will realize that they're not ready for that huge of responsibilities. Or explain to people that you don't have free reign to money here on campus to fund your events. The students are ignorant and naive to this info because you don't share it openly. Because I have friends that are part of it, I get insider info and I'm not naive or ignorant about how things run in there.

I ate quietly while they went back in forth about business regarding this group. It wasn't meant for me. Better things came along aka TWLOHA. I have my chance to plan events and bring musicians as a part of my group (when we get money lol), and it is for a great cause. While they may get many benefits from being a part of their group, I think that the benefits I get from twloha mean much more to me than free tickets to movies on campus and free admission to the big concerts and photos with the big name musicians who come here- I get to help people, support each other, build a sense of community with my fellow students, and just see people feel comfortable sharing their stories with others. I love twloha.

Even though sometimes I have thoughts of how it would be if I were a part of that group with my friends, I've moved on, and I'm probably doing a lot better now anyway. I'm happy being in twloha, and I get to be a board member with some of the greatest people ever.

Song for the Day: "Don't Be So Hard" by The Audition

The Audition - Dont Be So Hard by Morhgone

A lovely band from Chicago. I adore them. This song is just great.

Hold Up, Wait A Minute-

I wrote a post a few days ago about watching myself and not changing for another person. After thinking about it more, and reevaluating the situation, and even talking with other friends, I don't think I really did anything wrong last Thursday night. My behavior may have slightly changed, but not enough to make it seem like I was changing for my boyfriend. Also, I think that my friends just aren't used to him yet, and therefore took his comments/actions too seriously. I was talking to a friend who knew him before me, and this friend said that it took them awhile to get used to him because he kinda has a dry sense of humor at times lol. He can be slightly shy and awkward at times, but I'm the same way too. He's not intentionally trying to be a jerk or an asshole. It's just his personality, ya know. He's really nice. I feel like he's kinda the embodiment of my inner sarcastic side that rarely comes out of me. I don't speak up a lot, so I keep plenty of comments to myself.

I shouldn't have been so quick to beat down on myself for "changing" when really I didn't. I was still my same ol' ridiculous self that day. I calmed down a lot during the show because I wanted to pay attention to the music and not pass out from a lack of food. I got tired. I probably shouldn't have wrote that post and got myself into overthinking anyway because I've been so tired since that Thursday that I haven't been able to think straight at all this past week. I've been having difficulties coming up with words and sentences because I've been so out of it. I shall be sleeping for quite awhile the next few days, so then I can function a lot better in the coming weeks for finals and all.

Yeah. I'm glad I thought this all over again. I shouldn't feel guilty for anything.

Video for a Day: "Think About It" by Owen

"Think About It" by Owen

I just heard this song for the first time the other day. I enjoy it mucho. It has a nice feel to it. It feels...calm...safe...comforting.

It's That Time of the Year Again

I'm doing NaNoWriMo again! Even though I probably have even less free time this November than last, I'm still going to try to work out a novel. I've already written down ideas for the novel I want to work on. Completely new idea than what I usually come up with. Well, maybe it's not super new, but it's not as dramatic as what I usually think of. This is going to be somewhat action packed, thriller-esque haha, with my usual "dramatic" moments. I want to start writing it now, but it's not November 1st yet, and I want to play fair. I no longer have physical evidence of the novel I started to write last year because my external hard drive died and it was only on there. Oh well. Here's to a fresh start and hopefully an exciting November!

Also, if you don't know what National Novel Writing Month is, well, it's kind of self-explanatory, but the goal is to write a novel of 50,000 words or more only during the month of November. You can always continue writing and working on the novel after that, but the challenge of trying to get 50,000 words out of you in 30 days makes it even more interesting. Sometimes, this is the motivation you need to work on the novel you've always wanted to start writing and whatnot. Make friends, have your friends join with you, go to write-ins (where you write with other fellow participants in your area), and more. Who knows, maybe your novel will come out so great that you'll do a little editing and actually try to publish it.

Check out the nanowrimo website for more info.

Girl, You Better Check Yourself

I got caught up. I went blind. I lost myself for a moment.

Thursday, I was full of so much excitement for multiple reasons- I was basically going on a mini roadtrip with my friends to head up to the city for a concert, I didn't even tell my parents about the concert so I felt rebellious, and my boyfriend came with us. Well, the only reason we were going to this show was because of my boyfriend inviting me about a month ago before we were even dating. Anyway, it was a brand new experience for me going on a trip like this and all. After leaving school, we made the roughly 2.5 hour drive to pick up my bf and then make the 45 minute drive to the concert venue from his house. When it was just us girls in the car on the way there, it was all fine and dandy and crazy dancing, but once we picked him up, the atmosphere changed...

I moved from the front passenger seat to the backseat to sit next to the bf which was expected, but my friend who was riding in the back is not as good of a navigator as me, and  this is where things got iffy. My driver friend only really picked up my bf because she thought that he knew how to get to the venue, but he had never been there before, so the most he could do was look up the map on his iphone and all. We got turned around a few times because we kept missing our exit to get on the one highway to take us to the city. We wasted between 15-30 minutes because of that. I equally blamed him and my friend who was now in the passenger seat, but I was joking. It was my fault for not watching the road as closely anymore as well just because my bf was now in the car. He blamed my friend for us getting turned around so much and criticized the driving of my other friend, even though he didn't really know them well enough to say those things without it sounding mean and all. We got caught in traffic as soon as we hit the north side of the city on the highway/expressway, so we were running pretty late. The show started at 8 with the main band we came to see going on last. We girls were hungry and originally planned to grab food before we went into the show. I looked up restaurants near the venue, but I didn't write down exact addresses stupidly. We walked towards the venue and got in line, but were still trying to figure out what we wanted to do about food. I was indifferent about grabbing food, and my bf wasn't hungry of course since he'd eaten less than an hour before we picked him up. We walked into the venue and got checked off the "guest list" aka will call, but then there was no re-entry. The venue has a restaurant, so my friends waited back in that area to see if they could get food while the bf and I went into the concert area. My friends met up with us pretty quickly to say that they couldn't eat in the restaurant area because they weren't 21, but the people could bring the food into the concert area for them, which would be weird because there was no seating or tables in that area. So my friends decided that we would wait until after the show. I felt bad because I know that we planned to get food before, and it was kind of my fault. And when my friends said this, my bf said, "Well, you should've spoke up", which was really rude actually. I think that was strike two for him for my friends...

During the show and all, he didn't really talk to my friends. He mainly had his back to them when were all talking and such. Sometimes he would kind of pull me towards him, as one of my friends brought to my attention. It made them feel uncomfortable and kind of unwanted, like they were a third and fourth wheel, or as my friend said, "It was like we were on an entirely different bike". When one of his friends came right before the main band, he introduced him to me, but didn't introduce my friends. During the show, he would put his arms around me, ya know in that whole standing behind me way like you see couples in the movies and all. I never turned around to look at him or anything because I was too absorbed into the music, especially when the main band we came to see performed.

After the show, we went to this nice 24/7 restaurant/kinda-diner about a 5-minute drive away. Things were better then. My friends told me later on that they don't know if he talked to them more because it was a forced environment (sitting at the table together) or not, but he was a lot nicer and all. And he was good on the ride home. Actually, he was pretty quiet on the ride home, as we all were a bit tired. We held hands pretty much the entire ride home, so I thought it was cute. He gave me a good night kiss when I walked with him to his door and all, he didn't make my friends pay him back for the concert tickets (he bought all of ours together on his card, and we were going to pay him back in cash), and he said that he plans to come down and visit me in about two weeks, which made me happy. The ride back to school was pretty smooth because it was so late and hardly any cars were on the road. When I crawled into my bed that night/early-morning, I felt good.

I felt infinite. I said that it was one of the best nights of my life because so many new things happened in one night that made me feel good. I thought we were all infinite that night.

But after my friends opened up to me today (Sunday- I realize that it is now past 2 on Monday morning...), I had to reevaluate my Thursday night adventure. I still will say that I felt infinite that night and the rest of this weekend since I was still reeling from all of the awesomeness. But my friends told me that I changed when my bf got in the car, I was acting differently and joked along with him and didn't really call him out on criticizing them. They tried to defend themselves, but he just acted as if he didn't care and still went along with what he was doing. I made my friends feel uncomfortable for about the first 3 hours with him (aka up until we got food after the show). I feel bad about this now.

When did I lose myself? When did I change? Did I get too caught up in the idea/feelings of rebellion? Was I too excited to see my boyfriend again since we basically have a long-distance relationship and I last saw him 2-3 weeks prior? How did I let myself slip and be so easily swayed without him even directly guiding me his direction?

I'm so happy my friends set me straight because I was surely blind to my actions and the extent of his. Friends always come first, and I put my new boyfriend before my friends who I've known much much longer and who know me so much better than he.

I don't want to lose myself like that again, possibly causing my friends to not have as nice of a time out. The next time he comes to visit, I'm going to talk to him about his behavior on Thursday and see if we can work something out. Was he just in a certain mood that night? Or is that how he is all of the time? Because that could make for big differences in our relationship. It's a lot to think of, but it's not the end of the world. He's only my first boyfriend, and he most likely won't be my last before marriage, but who knows what will happen in life. I didn't completely lose myself that night, but I definitely was not completely myself. I allowed myself to change in ways unknowingly to possibly be more appealing to my bf or just to be a "follower" behind him.

I'm starting to have issues forming words and coherent thoughts since it's so late and I'm lacking some serious sleep, so I'll wrap this up now...

My behavior that night was very uncharacteristic of me, and I'm not happy with myself for acting that way. That wasn't me, and my friends saw it well before I did. I am super thankful to have friends like them in my life who will actually call me out on my actions instead of just letting me feel all giddy about my being with my bf since they know that this is new to me. They're helping me though.

From now on, I'm keeping myself in check so my friends won't have to pick up an extra responsibility. I refuse to let myself change for a guy or to let myself go. I am not a fan. Not a fan. Time to stand strong and pay attention to what I'm doing more carefully.

Video for a Day: "Skin + Bones" by Lydia

"Skin and Bones" by Lydia

I just saw this band live for the first time the other day, and they were so great. I had never listened to them until about a little over a month ago. I think I'm in love with this band, and it's probably because of the lead singer's voice.

The Right Choice

I'm thinking that I definitely made the right decision in being with my boyfriend. I think that some people were trying to guilt trip me because of my involvement with the other guy, but since I still can't really get this other guy to talk to me about this whole situation, I feel even stronger and more certain in my decision. I am not easily swayed by others, and I definitely wasn't going to feel horrible for not "waiting" for this other guy. I was supposed to go to his apartment last night to talk, but then he said that he couldn't borrow his friend's car to pick me up because they had places to go, so he was going to call me at 8 (the time we were supposed to meet). Then he got caught up with his friends again, so I told him to just call when he was free. He said that he would call around 9:25-ish- no call. I sent him a text 10 minutes later saying that he could call just in case he didn't get my previous text saying that it was fine for him to call me then. He never called last night. His friend started texting me around 10:30 last night, and I didn't give him my number but whatever. This guy is a talker. He ends up calling me instead of trying to get info from me via text. I was telling him that really it's not his business and that his friend just needs to talk to me. He kind of told me about stuff going on with his friend and all, and it helped me understand more that it's probably a good thing that I didn't pursue a relationship with him. If he's going through shit right now, then he shouldn't be in a relationship and he shouldn't be messing around with people either. He might have bad people skills and may be bad at expressing his emotions and all, but that's what I'm here for. I would give him all of the time to stumble over his words and all just to get out his thoughts and feelings- I'm a very patient person. I'm not gonna judge him for anything he's done in the past or is currently going through. I'm the vice president of a freakin group that tries to promote open-mindedness and non-judgmental attitudes because you never know what someone has been through, you don't know their story.    So I wish that he would just stop blowing me off or making me feel like we'll actually get to talk because he wants to talk in person too and then just get caught up in whatever other stuff.

I appreciate his friend having his back and trying to get info out of me, but I need to just talk to him. His friend thinks that he is this expert at psychology because he took a class or two and really enjoyed them, and he especially loves talking about relationship stuff, but I don't think he's an expert at actually dealing with people. I'm no expert, but I've been through shit, and I understand people. I don't yell at them and get on them for small things like he does. You need to have patience to really understand people, to read them, to hear them out. I may not be "the relationship expert" that he is, but I know people, and I feel for them. I just want him to stop acting like a know-it-all and taking over the conversations and let his fuckin friend talk. He can't work on his communication skills if you're always talking, damn.

Anyway, I just want to be friends with this guy now, and I want him to know that I'll be here for him. Let's put aside what we've done in the past, though that may be slightly hard, but it's for the best. I want him to feel like he can talk to me because I feel like his one friend isn't going to cut it all of the time. He needs some positive influences in his life, and I can be a positive influence (except for in the homework category because I'm such a slacker). He just needs friends right now. I don't think he can really handle a relationship right now with so much other stuff on his plate anyway. I just want him to be alright and for us to be friends and for him to trust me. That's all.

I also wish my boyfriend were closer- the issue with long-distance relationships, but I can handle it. I'll be seeing him Thursday!! I'm so excited. Then I can be sassy with him, and he'll be all cool and cute about it and call me sassasaurus rex haha. Ew, I'm being all girly and shit. I like him, and I'll leave it at that.

Video for a Day: "Shuffle" by Bombay Bicycle Club

"Shuffle" by Bombay Bicycle Club

I love the BBC boys. I want to see them so badly. Now that they've somewhat grown in popularity, they actually travel stateside. I need to see them one day. One day. 

Boys on the Mind

So, these are just random thoughts for right now. I'm not trying to sound like a girl that only thinks about guys and shit either. This is more than just guys of interest or whatever- this is about guys in general....

I don't fully understand guys right now. I never do those anonymous things where you talk about the person without mentioning their name so that they would have to guess if it's them if they should come across this blog. Well, I guess I'm going to do that now for the first time because there's a lot running through my mind regarding certain guys. Stream of consciousness is to follow...

A) You're slowly turning into the guy I hoped you wouldn't be. I don't know. We both crossed the line in our own ways, but it still shouldn't be this hard to get you to sit down and have a conversation. You don't want a relationship, and I get that and respect that, but I don't know if you're trying to avoid having a "talk" with me because you think that I'm going to pretty much ask you out or say that I really want a relationship with you or not. That's not what I want to tell you at all. I just want you to find the same time to talk to me that you could find before to come over and kiss me. I just want to be friends and let you know that I've moved on. Seriously. Grow up and man up. You're not going to hurt my feelings by telling me the truth.

B) So I guess we're official and all now, which is pretty cool and new to me, but I feel like we talk less now which really doesn't make sense. If we're together now, shouldn't we talk more? I'm not pushy or anything, but you used to text me for like an hour or two a few nights a week until we decided to go to sleep, but that hasn't happened recently. No good night stuff or anything. Maybe we're not so official then? Or maybe now that we're official you don't feel like you have to talk to me everyday to...I don't know, make sure that I'm still interested because you have me or something? Or if we are randomly texting in the day, you just don't reply at some point, and then I don't hear from you anymore. Am I being annoying? I don't get it at all. Maybe you're just busy, or maybe I did something this past weekend to make you mad or irritated though you didn't seem it. Who knows. Maybe I'm just overthinking as usual. This is nothing new. I'll see you next week, and maybe I can read you better then. I don't know.

C) You're probably my closest guy friend here at school, and I'm very grateful to have you as a friend. You make me worry though. Yeah, you're in a very demanding major and everything, but I'm worried that you'll stress yourself out and have some type of breakdown or whatnot. I feel like you're trying to take on too much at once. Piling up on classes to graduate in four years isn't really worth it if you'll give yourself an ulcer. I don't want to see your health decrease or see you go down a dark path because you want to overwork yourself. I'm glad that we're going to talk this weekend because I need to understand better what you're trying to do with your life and all. There's too much going on with you right now, and I know you're overwhelmed, and I feel like you're adding unnecessary stress to your life. I just want you to breathe and pace yourself.


Okay. I think I've cleared my mind the best I could. I've got chills running through my body now. Time to sleep.

Video for a Day: "Dateless for Armageddon" by 2*Sweet

"Dateless for Armageddon" by 2*Sweet

I miss these boys. A lot. 

Song of the Day: "Midnight City" by M83

Midnight City by M83

New M83. Loving it.

Video for a Day: "Crave You" by Flight Facilities ft. Giselle

"Crave You" by Flight Facilities ft. Giselle



This song is all too relevant right now. Not even gonna lie. Why is commitment so hard? What's so scary about it? It's not like I ask for a lot in life. Everything just gets more and more complicated as days go by.

The Drinking Game

Pretty much all of my friends drink, which is no problem to me. I could care less if they drink or not. I do not drink though. Alcohol is not my friend. When it comes to meeting new people, the topic of alcohol/drinking activities/parties usually comes up early on, especially on a college campus. When people find out that I don't drink, they ask why not. Instead of always giving my usual response of how I don't actually need it to have a great time, I should ask them why they drink in the first place.

Let's face it, at some point in our teen/young adult years, drinking becomes something to be curious about, something that doesn't seem as bad as it is usually portrayed in films, by our parents, etc. Sometimes, it gets hard to be the minority among a group of friends. Surprisingly, I still haven't felt a true temptation to pick up the bottle. I was in a situation once where a guy of interest asked me why I didn't drink, I gave him the usual response, then he asked, "You wouldn't even drink for me?" Now, that would be the most stupid reason for me to ever drink- for a boy. Girls, you are setting yourself up if you decide to drink just to impress a guy- you make yourself vulnerable, and he could take advantage of you. After learning more about this guy and spending a little more time with him, I realized that he definitely was not the guy for me and surely would've tried something if he and/or I were under the influence. He was kinda shady anyway. Anyway...

I just don't see the importance of drinking at my age. The more underage kids I see drinking, the less impressed I am by the alcohol life. I already don't drink, and you think seeing the way my peers act over alcohol should make me want to join in on the fun? No thank you. I'm perfectly fine sober. I can be as crazy and as loose as a drunk person. As I tell people, when I'm delirious, I am equivalent to a drunk person.

As for now, I don't drink. I'm content sober. I don't trust myself under the influence. I'm bound to do something regrettable. I love that my friends can have a great time with alcohol, and I will chill with them while they drink. I'll always be the mama/designated driver of the group, but I'm fine with that. I care too much.

Drink responsibly, kiddies.

Video for a Day: "You" by Atmosphere

"You" by Atmosphere

This was the first song I ever heard from Atmosphere a few years ago, then I fell in love. I was lucky enough to see these guys perform at Lolla this past summer- amazing set. Seriously, so great. I want to see them again for sure.

Casual? Or...

Should I do the whole "casual dating" thing? Where I literally go on dates and "talk" to more than one guy at a time? Is this even right for me? Am I willing to try it out because a friend has done it? Will it be like I'm talking to two or three guys and chillin with them but not actually in a real relationship with them? It kind of sucks when a person tells you how much they really like you and think you're really sweet and great and list off all of the reasons they are attracted to you, but that they aren't looking for a serious relationship right now, that maybe in a year they will be ready for a serious relationship and will be ready to be your boyfriend for sure then because they really would like to be your boyfriend. All I can think is "Fuck my life" (pardon my language) because I just see a flashback of the last "fling" I had, and I hated where that went. I can't even look that other guy in the face without cringing on the inside every time. It really sucks when your friends know about the guy and are all excited for you and waiting for you to get in a relationship, and then you never want to have to break it to them that he doesn't want a relationship right now. Why is it so difficult? Why must everything be so casual? If you really like me, why can't we just be together now? Why would we tease ourselves like this? When you were drunk the other night and texted me, I should've understood then what you were trying to say, but I was tired and you were drunkingly texting me and not writing in the most complete of sentences. You said that we would talk and all.

Thanks for taking me on a date and all. I really had a nice time. I really did. I appreciate your honesty. About everything. That "fling" of a guy lead me on- you did not. I'm glad you were upfront with me at the beginning of all of this. I'm glad that you like so many things about me, but I dislike that you don't want a relationship right now. But maybe you're smart for wanting to wait. We shouldn't rush into things anyway. I mean, we truly haven't known each other super long. So maybe I get it. Maybe once we spend more time with each other, maybe your feelings will change. Maybe you'll say "Fuck it" and want to be in a relationship. Waiting is not a bad thing. It's not. But I get that you're also kind of doing this for me. You've been in relationships before- I have not. While we're not actually official, I could go out with other guys (if they should enter my life), figure out what I really want out of a relationship, figure out what I really want in a guy, just figure out all of this shit in general. This is your break from the relationship ordeal for now; you'll just keep it casual. Yeah. Let me keep my options open. I will keep my options open. But I like you. I really fucking do. It's not even like I like you for the wrong reasons either. It's all of the right reasons. It even started off right. It wasn't the whole "oooo he's cute. I wonder if he notices me? Omg, we're actually having a conversation. Omg, he thinks I'm funny. Omg, I think he likes me too. Omg, he's so cute." I wouldn't actually say "omg" that many times, but you (as in you readers, if there are any...) get what I'm saying. I can actually have legit, serious conversations with him! He likes going into detail when he's telling a story or something and then he feels bad about taking so long to tell the story, but I do the exact same thing so of course I have enough patience to hear him tell the entire story. I wish more people explained things in detail. We're in such a fast-paced society that we can't even take the time to listen to someone tell us something thoughtful in great detail- we always want the summary. There's so many genuine things to like about him. I actually think he's the first guy that I've ever had feelings for where I have many reasons to like him that are good reasons- I'm not falling for a druggie/high school dropout, a boy with an accent whose written English skills bring out my inner grammar Nazi, a boy with a pretty face who barely knew I existed, a DJ who was probably too old for me anyway, and other "cute" faces in the crowd. No, I'm not in love or anything because that's a bit too fast and weird. But I really like this guy.

Relationships Are Odd Business

I'm still trying to figure this whole thing out. I don't want to rush into things just because I'm pretty inexperienced. How long do people "talk" before they decide to get into an actual relationship? How many dates do you go out on, especially if you don't know the other person as well? How do you get enough courage to tell a person that you really like them, and it's not just some little crush? You know the crush- when you rarely talk to the person, and you find them quite attractive, but you hardly know anything about them or they barely know you exist. I can safely say that I've moved on from those types of crushes. Actually, I wouldn't even call what feelings I have for most guys "crushes" anymore. I have genuine feelings, ya know. I don't want to obsess over a relationship, and I hope that whatever guy ends up being my first boyfriend or fifth boyfriend or husband realizes that. I'm not trying to say that the relationship isn't important to me, but I want he and I to be able to lead our separate lives as well. I don't want to spend every waking moment with my guy or have to tell him where I am 24/7 or anything like that. I don't want to get tired of him or feel like he's being the jealous type because I went out with my friends and didn't invite him. As I've been told, I'm a pretty chill girl. I'd like to stick to that too because that's just how I am.

So, while I'm stuck in this position where there may be two guys who have feelings for me, I must make decisions. One guy has already openly admitted that he definitely likes me and feels a connection; the other guy seems like a mystery, so I cannot confirm that actually likes me and just doesn't want to be friends. I'm happy with being friends with both of these guys, but I don't want it to be awkward between the first guy and I because he admitted to liking me. It takes a ton of courage to do what he did, and I admire him for that, plus I like him too. At this point, we could just jump right into a relationship, but I don't want to rush into things and have things go badly because we didn't wait longer to make sure our feelings were true and not just illusions for the moment. I want things to work, but I don't want to get my hopes up when disappointment could be right around the corner.

As my title states, relationships are odd business indeed.

Music of Life's Past: Part 1 (copied from my other blog)

Recently, I’ve been listening to a lot of “older” music, except for Foster the People and some others. When I say older, I mean to say music that is either older than me, makes me feel old/young, or from artists that have been a part of my life for quite some time. I’ve been thinking how I’ve grown with some of these musicians or how I might have slightly lost some interest in them or they were pushed to the side because some newer artist caught my eye (forgive me for somewhat kicking you to the curb).

Just yesterday, Refused’s fb page posted a status asking everyone what their favorite song was. I didn’t think about it too long, but I feel that “Rather Be Dead” is probably my favorite Refused song. “New Noise” is how I got into them and is probably their most mainstream song that can be heard in movies and video games and all, but “Rather Be Dead” moves me differently and has a stronger meaning/message behind it.

For the past two nights, I’ve been listening to Incubus’ Light Grenades to help me go to sleep (don’t judge my choices of music to fall asleep to). While flipping through the album booklet, I realized that it came out in 2006- five years ago. Five years?! And they just released their latest album last week, I believe. I was in the 8th grade when Light Grenades came out, and now I’m about to be a sophomore in college. I can’t say what my truly favorite Incubus song is, but for now I’ll say “Dig”. I’d have that song on repeat for so long, I’m surprised that I didn’t somehow wear out the cd. First song that I head from these guys? Most likely “Drive”. I played that song a lot too. I remember watching the music video often as well and always staring at Brandon Boyd’s red tattoo (that I now know is of a koi fish, thanks to the internet when I was 12) because I was seriously mesmorized by its design. Another fun fact about Incubus is that I use to always confuse them with Hoobastank when I was younger; I’m guessing that I thought the lead singers looked similar and they had a similar sound. Once I finally got my glasses in 7th grade, that confusion ended because obviously Brandon Boyd is a more beautiful being. Anyway…

The other day, I was listening to Pet Shop Boys. I went from only knowing “West End Girls” as a child to owning their Discography: The Complete Singles Collection album. Now, I can’t really call myself a true, hardcore fan because I don’t own all of their albums or anything, but when I do hear one of their songs, I get pretty excited. Favorite song? “Being Boring” for sure. It’s a feel good song and makes me want to have a snazzy party with all of my friends (see the video and understand). Unless my dad is hiding any other albums of theirs besides the “West End Girls” single, this is all I own in the world of Pet Shop Boys. Hearing their music makes me wonder why I wasn’t born in the ’80s…

Lucy Pearl. ”Who is that?” you may ask. Well, they were a short-lived R&B ”supergroup”, composed of Raphael Saadiq (Tony! Toni! Toné!), Dawn Robinson (En Vogue), and Ali Shaheed Muhammad (A Tribe Called Quest). Their most popular song is “Dance Tonight”, which most people remember being played in the film Love & Basketball. They only had one album, so you can only judge them from that, but their self-titled album is one of my favorites. I seriously wish that they would’ve put out at least one more album. They had good chemistry, in my opinion. My favorite song out of their 15? “Remember The Times”. It reminds me of my youth, not necessarily saying that everything in that song is exactly reminescent of my childhood. It does make me think of going to my grandma’s house too. Why didn’t they put out another album?! There was so much quality on that one album. They even were nominated for a Grammy for their most popular song. Thank God Raphael Saadiq still makes music so I can just listen to his voice forever, not that the others don’t make music still. Raphael just has a wonderful voice period, so he could sing in any group or be solo (as he is currently) and still be fine with me. I just really like Raphael Saadiq. Anyway…

I think I’ll end this right here for now and make a part two later, for anyone who cares anyway.

Video for a Day: "The City" by Patrick Wolf

"The City" by Patrick Wolf

 

Patrick Wolf is a man who will always be held in my heart. You have no idea.

Video for a Day: "Sunday" by Bloc Party ('tis live as well)

"Sunday" by Bloc Party

I love this. I wish I could have seen them live in the past. Maybe they'll have another tour in a year or two, just so I can see them haha.

MagCloud: Making My Magazine Dream a Reality

Earlier today while at my grandmother's house, I did a Google search on my phone for places to print magazines. MagCloud by HP came up in my results, so of course I knew it had to be legit since it's HP lol. I got so excited while reading more information and realized how easy it would be to print the magazine that I'm starting. Even if I only have one issue, it'll be even easier to just have that one print copy. The price isn't that bad either, which makes me super happy. I'm just realizing how much more doable(?) this will be. I could even just have it in PDF form, and people will have the option to download it to their computers, tablets, smartphones, whatever will allow it. I really want people to be able to hold a physical copy in their hands as well, but it'd be up to them to choose that option.

I'm thinking...maybe I'll make print copies for myself and anyone else who would like a copy, but otherwise make it a free download for the first issue. That'll give me time to receive criticism from people and suggestions and such. I'll get a feel if people think that it's of a good enough quality to pay for it. Oh yes. The possibilities are alive.

Video for a Day: "The World At Large" by Modest Mouse

"The World At Large" by Modest Mouse

Do you know how long I've liked this song yet never knew that it was by Modest Mouse? Sad, I know. Years of being unaware of the creators of such a song.

Video for a Day: "Change of Heart" by El Perro Del Mar

"Change of Heart" by El Perro Del Mar

Not only do I really like this song, but I love love love this video. The way these guys move just have me so captivated. By the way, they're a Hungarian acrabatic duo called "The Golden Power" which is ever so fitting. Some people may find it weird and all for two very muscular and strong men to work together in this way, but who freakin' cares?! I've watched this video so many times over the past two years that I practically have their moves memorized. Sometimes, I get so lost in their movement that I forget the song is even playing in the background. Enjoy.

Happy Fish Sushi

Chicken Teriyaki Noodle Bowl

So, I had this yummy bowl at Happy Fish Sushi. What can I say? This place became one of my new favorite restaurants. I wasn't even interested in sushi until I came here with some friends. I usually just get sushi from there, but I decided to try something different to see if they had good food besides sushi and crab rangoons. It was a slight challenge for me to get the chicken off of the sticks (I was expecting teriyaki chicken literally in the bowl of noodles). I felt ridiculous trying to bite the chicken off, then I attempted cutting it off with a knife which ended up working out pretty great. I can't wait to stop by there in the fall and try something new again.

Happy Fish Sushi

1200 W Main St

(Ste 22)

Peoria, IL 61606

Video for a Day: "Julie" by Outer Limits Recordings (I found Sam, not that I was searching hard for him)

"Julie" by Outer Limits Recordings

It's kind of weird, but I like it. How did I even find this song? It's a long story...

Not really. I was on wikipedia reading on Florence Welch then Dev Hynes then Test Icicles then Sam Mehran then I discovered that Sam hadn't fallen off the face of the earth after all. This is one of his apparently many projects. No wonder it's been hard to find him, besides him staying pretty freakin underground adding to it. Anyway, have a listen or two. Enjoy or not.

Grand Lux Cafe

Miso Glazed Salmon

This lovely salmon dish comes from one of my favorite restaurants that I visit once every blue moon, Grand Lux Cafe. Another great thing about Grand Lux is that they have awesome bread and butter. Yes, bread and butter. If a restaurant has a delicious pairing of bread with butter, they have won my heart over before my true meal even arrives. Sometimes, I have to be reminded not to eat too much bread because then I won't eat my meal, obviously.

look at that interior decorating!

Anyway, if you like the Cheesecake Factory, then you'll like Grand Lux Cafe because they're related anyway.

Grand Lux Cafe

600 N Michigan Ave

Chicago, IL 60611

(312) 276-2500

All photos taken with my camera phone, just so you know.

Stuck in the Middle (I should really be sleeping)

I've been feeling a bit stuck lately. I'm at that age where I'm technically an adult, but I'm still living under my parents roof when I come home from college, making it even harder to live an "adult life" and make "adult decisions". I'm in no rush to grow up, believe me. I just don't like this whole...tease of adult life, shall we say.

For example, the gay pride parade is this Sunday, but my mother will not grant me permission to go. Now, if I didn't have to ask my parents for a ride to the train station (though I'm sure a friend could swing by and pick me up on the way to the train station) or had to tell them of my exact whereabouts, I could easily hop on the train with my friends and have a ball. First thing is the simple fact that my parents are homophobes, unfortunately. My dad is even more homophobic than my mom with his comments and all, which is why I did not even think about asking him about Sunday- I dread the lecture that surely would have followed. My mom is slightly more accepting than my father, but she still doesn't approve of homosexuals. I keep having these little rebellious urges to just ask a friend to swing by my house and just leave Sunday morning. Sometimes, you just want to go out and do things and forget about the consequences that may follow (I guess that's how people feel when they just want to go out and drink all night, right?). What would be at stake, though? My parents trust in myself? My freedom? Honestly, I have my freedom. I do. I have this bittersweet thing that we've all been given called free will. I could be that teen (should I even call myself a teen? I'm a year away from having lived an entire score) who does whatever she wants in the world just because I can. I just don't know. There's just this inner conflict within myself to just runaway and start my life off on my own finally. I'll probably struggle at first to survive, but life isn't easy anyway.

Sometimes, I just need a break, a vacation from everyone. Currently, this is pretty impossible. It's not that my parents don't trust me. It's the rest of the world that they don't trust. They're afraid of me getting hurt, which I totally get, but they can't protect me and follow me and stop me from exploring the world forever.

By the grace of God, I'll make it in this world, and I'm not going to let negativity stop me.

Song of the Day (maybe week): "I Can't Make You Love Me/ Nick of Time" by Bon Iver

I Can't Make You Love Me, Nick Of Time by New Music (Bon Iver)

I just heard this song for the first time today, and I can't stop listening to it.

This is my first post on here, and it's not even really about me. I guess this is your first taste of my musical interest.