Girl, You Better Check Yourself

I got caught up. I went blind. I lost myself for a moment.

Thursday, I was full of so much excitement for multiple reasons- I was basically going on a mini roadtrip with my friends to head up to the city for a concert, I didn't even tell my parents about the concert so I felt rebellious, and my boyfriend came with us. Well, the only reason we were going to this show was because of my boyfriend inviting me about a month ago before we were even dating. Anyway, it was a brand new experience for me going on a trip like this and all. After leaving school, we made the roughly 2.5 hour drive to pick up my bf and then make the 45 minute drive to the concert venue from his house. When it was just us girls in the car on the way there, it was all fine and dandy and crazy dancing, but once we picked him up, the atmosphere changed...

I moved from the front passenger seat to the backseat to sit next to the bf which was expected, but my friend who was riding in the back is not as good of a navigator as me, and  this is where things got iffy. My driver friend only really picked up my bf because she thought that he knew how to get to the venue, but he had never been there before, so the most he could do was look up the map on his iphone and all. We got turned around a few times because we kept missing our exit to get on the one highway to take us to the city. We wasted between 15-30 minutes because of that. I equally blamed him and my friend who was now in the passenger seat, but I was joking. It was my fault for not watching the road as closely anymore as well just because my bf was now in the car. He blamed my friend for us getting turned around so much and criticized the driving of my other friend, even though he didn't really know them well enough to say those things without it sounding mean and all. We got caught in traffic as soon as we hit the north side of the city on the highway/expressway, so we were running pretty late. The show started at 8 with the main band we came to see going on last. We girls were hungry and originally planned to grab food before we went into the show. I looked up restaurants near the venue, but I didn't write down exact addresses stupidly. We walked towards the venue and got in line, but were still trying to figure out what we wanted to do about food. I was indifferent about grabbing food, and my bf wasn't hungry of course since he'd eaten less than an hour before we picked him up. We walked into the venue and got checked off the "guest list" aka will call, but then there was no re-entry. The venue has a restaurant, so my friends waited back in that area to see if they could get food while the bf and I went into the concert area. My friends met up with us pretty quickly to say that they couldn't eat in the restaurant area because they weren't 21, but the people could bring the food into the concert area for them, which would be weird because there was no seating or tables in that area. So my friends decided that we would wait until after the show. I felt bad because I know that we planned to get food before, and it was kind of my fault. And when my friends said this, my bf said, "Well, you should've spoke up", which was really rude actually. I think that was strike two for him for my friends...

During the show and all, he didn't really talk to my friends. He mainly had his back to them when were all talking and such. Sometimes he would kind of pull me towards him, as one of my friends brought to my attention. It made them feel uncomfortable and kind of unwanted, like they were a third and fourth wheel, or as my friend said, "It was like we were on an entirely different bike". When one of his friends came right before the main band, he introduced him to me, but didn't introduce my friends. During the show, he would put his arms around me, ya know in that whole standing behind me way like you see couples in the movies and all. I never turned around to look at him or anything because I was too absorbed into the music, especially when the main band we came to see performed.

After the show, we went to this nice 24/7 restaurant/kinda-diner about a 5-minute drive away. Things were better then. My friends told me later on that they don't know if he talked to them more because it was a forced environment (sitting at the table together) or not, but he was a lot nicer and all. And he was good on the ride home. Actually, he was pretty quiet on the ride home, as we all were a bit tired. We held hands pretty much the entire ride home, so I thought it was cute. He gave me a good night kiss when I walked with him to his door and all, he didn't make my friends pay him back for the concert tickets (he bought all of ours together on his card, and we were going to pay him back in cash), and he said that he plans to come down and visit me in about two weeks, which made me happy. The ride back to school was pretty smooth because it was so late and hardly any cars were on the road. When I crawled into my bed that night/early-morning, I felt good.

I felt infinite. I said that it was one of the best nights of my life because so many new things happened in one night that made me feel good. I thought we were all infinite that night.

But after my friends opened up to me today (Sunday- I realize that it is now past 2 on Monday morning...), I had to reevaluate my Thursday night adventure. I still will say that I felt infinite that night and the rest of this weekend since I was still reeling from all of the awesomeness. But my friends told me that I changed when my bf got in the car, I was acting differently and joked along with him and didn't really call him out on criticizing them. They tried to defend themselves, but he just acted as if he didn't care and still went along with what he was doing. I made my friends feel uncomfortable for about the first 3 hours with him (aka up until we got food after the show). I feel bad about this now.

When did I lose myself? When did I change? Did I get too caught up in the idea/feelings of rebellion? Was I too excited to see my boyfriend again since we basically have a long-distance relationship and I last saw him 2-3 weeks prior? How did I let myself slip and be so easily swayed without him even directly guiding me his direction?

I'm so happy my friends set me straight because I was surely blind to my actions and the extent of his. Friends always come first, and I put my new boyfriend before my friends who I've known much much longer and who know me so much better than he.

I don't want to lose myself like that again, possibly causing my friends to not have as nice of a time out. The next time he comes to visit, I'm going to talk to him about his behavior on Thursday and see if we can work something out. Was he just in a certain mood that night? Or is that how he is all of the time? Because that could make for big differences in our relationship. It's a lot to think of, but it's not the end of the world. He's only my first boyfriend, and he most likely won't be my last before marriage, but who knows what will happen in life. I didn't completely lose myself that night, but I definitely was not completely myself. I allowed myself to change in ways unknowingly to possibly be more appealing to my bf or just to be a "follower" behind him.

I'm starting to have issues forming words and coherent thoughts since it's so late and I'm lacking some serious sleep, so I'll wrap this up now...

My behavior that night was very uncharacteristic of me, and I'm not happy with myself for acting that way. That wasn't me, and my friends saw it well before I did. I am super thankful to have friends like them in my life who will actually call me out on my actions instead of just letting me feel all giddy about my being with my bf since they know that this is new to me. They're helping me though.

From now on, I'm keeping myself in check so my friends won't have to pick up an extra responsibility. I refuse to let myself change for a guy or to let myself go. I am not a fan. Not a fan. Time to stand strong and pay attention to what I'm doing more carefully.