Winter Show 2: A House Show

I went to this tonight. I had so much fuckin fun. I ate blueberry pancakes that possibly had alcohol in them. I saw so many people who either went to or currently attend my high school. It sweaty as balls in there. I almost got a fro. Everything was worth it. Fuck yeah.

Letting Go

For the first time tonight, I cried over a bowl of spaghetti. I cried over you. Usually, I don't like to talk about people directly (as if I am speaking to them about them) in an anonymous fashion, but it's one of those times where I need to just write it out because I'm slightly too lazy to write in my journal (but I will definitely be writing in there soon, probably after this).

I lied to myself, I lied to one of my closest friends. I told myself that I was over "us" and could move on to just being friends and all. But now... now you're just ignoring me, and it honestly makes me feel like shit. If you really don't want to be my friend anymore (because I just can't tell), please just tell me. I'd rather someone tell me that they would rather not speak to me anymore than just ignore me, leading me to believe that maybe they are busy or just trying to avoid me in general. Maybe I'm supposed to not talk to you for weeks or months before we can start speaking again on friendly terms. I don't know how any of this truly works. I'm an amateur to the relationship thing. You know this. I just wish you weren't being such a asshole about it. I wish you weren't playing the victim role now. I haven't posted tons of sappy shit on my blog about having my heart broken, about being a nice girl and no one wanting me, about being let go in general. I didn't even address it on my blog. And I get it, I shouldn't be trying to judge what someone posts on their blog and all, but if they should post personal stuff for the world to see, what do you expect? And I know how you are, so you're prone to post your feelings because it's your escape. Stop whining about being a nice guy who the good/smart girls never want because they always go for assholes. Stop saying that you had your heart broken when you broke up with me. You must be an asshole then because I consider myself to be a pretty good/smart girl, but I thought you were a nice guy. Actually, deep down, I still believe you're a really nice guy, I won't even deny that. I think you just need to get your shit together now. I don't know what you want, I can't read minds. It kind of hurts to see you posting things about being hurt when you're the one who decided to do this. Obviously I still like you, and I am truly convinced that you no longer have feelings for me, and I have come to accept that. It sucks so much, but I can't change your mind. I can't. Everything just happened so fast, so abrupt. I didn't even see it coming. Because we had so much in common, it sucks even more because now so many things I like will remind me of you:

• Fall Out Boy- I don't think I know anyone who loves these guys and wants them to get back together more than you
• Lydia, La Dispute, The Spill Canvas- I started listening to them more because of you
• Green Street Hooligans- the first time we hung out alone/our sorta first date, we watched this movie together, lying on your bed, working on my art project at the same time. I'd seen the movie about 2-3 times before, but it was nice actually watching it with someone else
• The Science of Sleep- while we were still just in our talking/chatting stage, we both found out that it's one of each other's favorite films.
• Criminal Minds, Matthew Gray Gubler, Shemar Moore- not only do we both love the show, we both also love seeing Gubler and Shemar together in photos, on screen , whatever.
• Chipotle and Jimmy Johns- once again, I don't know anyone who loves these places more than you
• Harry Potter, Slytherin, green and silver- biggest Slytherin supporter I know (or self-described Slytherin, I don't know how to describe this). You say that green and silver are your favorite colors, for obvious reasons.
• Food- in general, you understand my love for food, we share this love, you know I'd choose food over sex and practically anything any day/time.
• that mix cd- whenever I rode in the car with you, I pretty much heard that same fuckin mix cd every time, so anytime I hear songs from there, I'll be reminded of you
• "Don't Be So Hard"- a lovely song by The Audition, and one of my faves. It's on said mix cd mentioned in the bullet above.
• 183rd st- super obvious reason. It really sucks that this is a busy street, and I pass it/drive on it often.
• Sassy- until you started calling me sassy, I have never heard so many people call me sassy in my life. I really don't want to be called sassy anymore now...

So many things that I see, hear, read, am just exposed to on a regular basis will remind me of you. I love everything about you, except for this current asshole/douchebaggery of yours. I love your flaws, your tattoos, your sarcasm, your eyes, your humor, your taste in everything, your singing (even though you think you're not good at it when you have such a nice voice), your niceness, and even the things you hate about yourself. I just love you for being you. No, I'm not in love with you. That'd be a bit too soon. But I'm a lover, so of course I love and care for you, just like all of my friends. I feel like you get lonely at night sometimes because everyone else is so far away at school or in the city. Sometimes, you just want to drive around listening to music with someone or grab food from some late-night fast food eatery, and I wished I could've been closer all of those times you just wanted to be around someone. We'd stay on skype for hours and not even speak the entire time- I think you just enjoyed the company, it was like someone was there with you.

I think you're just lost and don't know what you really want out of life yet. You say you want to be a social worker and go to whatever school, but you're 22 and still haven't made a move. I wanted to help you out a little, just to get you to talk out some goals and such, and we could help each other reach our goals. I just don't want to see you stuck while everyone else is moving forward and moving on in their lives. I don't know what's going on with you, but I guess I'll never know unless you tell. I'll leave it to your friends to help you out because I'm probably the last person you want to speak to right now. I'm always here for you though. If two years from now you decide that you want to talk to me again, I'll be glad to hear from you and I won't hold anything from now against you because it'll be such old news by then. No matter what, I won't forget you (I mean, it would be kinda hard to forget one's first relationship...). I only wish for the best for you.

I have to let you go now. If you want me, you know how to reach me. I can no longer reach out to you first because I can't deal with being ignored again and again. It'll be hard because there will be times where I really miss you and just want to text or call you or send you a picture text of something only you would really find humorous, but I will stay strong and resist. I can't allow all of these emotions to rush back and for me to get hurt because of you. I can't. I'm a smart girl, and I'm not a beggar or someone who forces someone to do something they don't want to do. I'm not going to fight because why should I? I love you, and that's why I have to let you go (cliche or not).


Let the fall make you stronger.- something I read earlier from The Angry Therapist, which came at the most relevant and perfect moment.

Video for a Day: "Unravel" by Bjork

"Unravel" by Bjork

How could you not love her? Seriously, love this song. I'll post the Radiohead (or more specifically Thom Yorke) cover one day.

While you are away
My heart comes undone
Slowly unravels
In a ball of yarn
The devil collects it
With a grin
Our love 
In a ball of yarn


He'll never return it


So when you come back
We'll have to make new love

The Break Up- Over but Fine

Yesterday, my boyfriend and I ended our relationship. I think it was slightly hard in the sense that neither of us really wanted to end it via phone, but I was the one who decided that we should talk on the phone since he was being weird all last week and seemed distant. We're not sad about it though. Though I probably would not have ended things just yet, it was mostly a mutual decision to end things. We would probably be better as friends anyway because we have so much in common. I know he didn't want to end things on the phone, but it would've been hard for me to just sit here 170 miles away not doing anything for two weeks as he's acting odd. He felt like an uber jerk and all (or as he said a "jerkasaurus rex"), but I told him that he's not a jerk because really he isn't. When the feelings aren't the same anymore, you just can't help it. For the most part, the feelings probably weren't there from the beginning. We tried to fool ourselves into believing that we needed to be in a romantic relationship, that we liked each other more than just friends, that because we had so much in common we needed to be together. We lasted roughly a month and a half- that's pretty good for my first relationship haha. We're still going to be friends though, and I hope we truly stick to that because now that he's entered my life, I really don't want him to be out of my life (if that makes sense). We don't need to be in a romantic relationship, but now we can just grow our relationship as friends. He says that we should definitely still hang out, and he's still picking me up from school next week (I would be kinda stuck here if he didn't...). Honestly, he's a really awesome guy that I do have a ton in common with, so we would make pretty freakin awesome friends. Maybe we could be like a dream team or something haha- being sassy and listening to good music and watching good movies and attempting to beat each other at various video games.

The only thing is that I've already sorta started buying his Christmas gifts (it was going to be like a bag full of random shit haha), so I guess I'll just give him what I already bought and just give it to him as a friend. I'll write a nice little note with it too, of course. I just want him to feel appreciated for all of the nice things he's done for me. Guys are always treating girls, but sometimes it takes us girls awhile to get around to treating our guys to something nice. I did plan to do something really nice for him over winter break, but I don't think that'll happen now, unless he feels comfortable just going out somewhere as friends. I mean, I've been on two "friend date"s with my one guy friend here at school, and he has a girlfriend, and we just go out to eat and chat about life and intellectual shit. So, he and I could do the same thing, and talk about books and music and other random shit. I just don't want awkwardness between us at all. After we called it quits, we started talking about regular shit which is kinda weird considering we just ended our relationship. I told our mutual friend that we broke up, and this friend said that instead of us being the "relationship of a generation" that we could now be the "friendship of a generation". Maybe we can.

I'm just hoping for the best from here on out.

These Feelings...They Can't Be Right...

I'm not okay. Nope. Not okay. I need to stop pretending and putting on that big, fake smile in front of my friends. I was on the phone with one of my friends over an hour ago, he asked me if I was sad, and I said no. He said that he could tell that I was just from my voice. I told him that I was just tired, and that I didn't think that I was sad. It's just like last year around this time and even my freakin' English professor thought that I was depressed and she'd only known me for roughly four months. I used to be so good at hiding my feelings, but I tried to put that behind me since I have amazing people in my life who are there for me and will listen to me. I don't have to pretend anymore, but I don't know why I feel like I should now. My thoughts have been attacking me constantly for the past week, and I hate it. I can't function or be productive because I'm too consumed by my thoughts. So much to do, so little time. There are so many great people who let me know that they care every day, yet I still want, almost need, reassurance from one person, and I hate feeling this way. I'm not very dependent on others, so I don't know why I'm this way with you. I don't want to be this way.

I'm just very overwhelmed with everything. School, relationships in general, the desire for infinite freedom, the urge for "rebellion", the ultimate desire for peace.

I changed my background on my phone to "Fight Off Your Demons" to remind me not to give up, not to let my demons win because right now I'm not even putting up a good fight, and I refuse to let them win. I refuse.